a heads up

The time has come for a shift.  I will be closing this blog and moving to new turf... don't worry I'll keep you posted so we can stay connected:)  until then I'll leave you with this lovely little diddy.  (thanks Courtney:)  Go on, dance about you living room while the outside world shifts to Autumn!  Bliss I tell you!

Don't know if you noticed but...

I am revamping in a big way.  Not just the way that this blog looks but also the direction in which I wish to go from here. 

There are so many things in my life that I want to share, so many parts of myslef that I am in the process of rediscovering.

so stay tuned 'cause this mama is feeling very inspired!

being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!

12.and.a.half.years. 

I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?

   

"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"

painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

Ch-Ch-CH-Ch-Changes

I am blissful on multiple levels.  

I feel happy and content

And the excitement?  Don't even get me started or I swear I might just blast off into orbit!  Cheesy I know but its SO true.

You see, as soon as we arrived, literally the moment we pulled into our new town something shifted.  It might be fair to say that it began shifting as soon as we made the choice to come here, but I could actually FEEL it happening when we arrived.  

It was like the planets came into alignment.  Some huge cosmic shift occurred that created this perfect moment.  The moment that whispered into my soul and said "guess what.....you babies will be home soon!"

I've mentioned many times that there have been a few contributing factors to the fact that we have yet to begin our adoption in actual reality.  Paper work I mean.  

One of those factors was the fact that we have felt unsettled.  We knew that there was a move on the horizon we just didn't know when , or how (or that there were actually 2 moves!)  

To me settling is the beginning of a domino effect.  The one thing that needed to happen before all of the other pieces could fall into place.  Well, let me tell you, they are falling now!  

I want to sing it from the mountain top.  Harmonize with my echo so that the world can know just how deeply beautiful a thing this is for me.  I'm spouting happy tears all the time, watering this garden in the spring time of change.

We found a home.  Oddly we decided to rent. I was not expecting this, thought that buying would make me feel more settled but, apparently not.  A big part of this is realizing that if we buy we will jump back into a huge renovation project (this is the land of 100 year old houses that need a lot of work) which will suck up all our funds for the next hundred years...dangling our adoption even more out of reach.  I think that Adam is beginning to fully understand that I can't handle waiting that much longer...I think I might loose my marbles if another year goes by before we begin the paper chase.  He even suggested today that we hold a fundraiser garage sale once we move in!  A fundraiser...as in, for our adoption!!!  And he agreed that we can start our home study so that its done when we're ready!!  seriously!!!!!!!!!!  If only the computer had something other then an exclamation mark...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, lol

This very happy mama is feeling abundantly grateful.

~ the unexpected~

I met him and fell in love.  

It was unexpected.  

I knew I would find him sweet... all babies are sweet, and I am , after all, a baby whisperer...I knew that I would give him cuddles, oh and ah over the cuteness that is his tiny little fists.  

But this?  This I did not expect.

He is tiny, on the planet only 8 short weeks.  He is perfect.  I dream about him all the time...awake or asleep.  

I want to be his mama so bad that it physically hurts.  

It has been 5 weeks since I left....5 weeks.

I want to be his mama.

I did not expect this.

He is creamy white, not chocolate brown.... although his eyes, his eyes will be brown...like mine.

I wonder at that.  I know that still, while we are in this mode of settling, of buying our home, that Ethiopia is still a ways away.  I can wait.  I am patient.  

But in the time between now and then I have room...my heart has many spaces waiting to be filled....but one? one of those spaces ha been filled by him.  by his perfection.  by his essence that enraptures me in a way so familiar....like he was always my son even before he was conceived by another mother.

I don't even know if its possible.  I want the very best in the world for him.  That he will be loved and nurtured.  That he will always know, never ever doubt that he is loved.

He live many miles away.

I love him.

100th post! also know as "Update on the Whirling"

I've thought about my 100th blog post a fair bit over the last few months. I guessed that it would come during my time Unravelling and I would be all super creatively inspired and have a whole shwack of photos to pretty it up with.

However, seeing as the level of holy-smokes.intense has been pretty high around here, I have decided to save that particular post for my 200th (oh dear...that has the tone of commitment...) not to mention the fact that I am 3 weeks into Unraveling and have yet to actually unravel...or maybe its just been a different kind of unravelling??...hmmm....



anyway....



the update, which I know is why ya'll are here:



we are moving. its official.



hubby's work situation here was a bust and...blessed be...we have connected with new employment in a place we have both always wanted to live.

coincidence?
yes.
serendipity?
yes.
kind of overwhelming?
not so much now, but last week? YES!!!



This week I am settling into the notion.

I am actually believing that it will happen.

I am trusting and faithful as the doors and windows seemingly fly open.



This is spring.

this is freshness.

new beginnings and the whole shebang.

heck, there is even romance! (did I mention that Adam and I both felt called there before we met!?!)

In that beautiful creative little town high in the mountains there is music...there is culture...there are loads of trees and tones of folks hugging them! (this is me admitting my inner hippie..yes, its true!) But best of all? a fabulous combination of forest...hiking/mountian biking/kayaking/wild romping/skiing AND access to services that our growing family is needing : aquatic center/dance classes/music/choir/green community initiatives/hospital/good food/skookum home school/ high school program! (because we are swiftly approaching this age)

There is a promise of settling in the air. A glimpse of something that dances away from limbo and into some good earthy, connected tribal groove. I am so ready for this. so ready to settle!



It feels like going home.

you know what? I think this time I will actually unpack!

~whirling...yup, my head is whirling~

...things are moving and shifting, picking up pace in such a way that has me nearly breathless. Remember how I just mentioned the need for patience...and faith. well........

Those of you that have been visiting me here for a while know that we have been living in a state of limbo. A BIG HUGE massive shwack of limbo, in between, laying in wait...what ever you want to call it the basic translation is: we have had no idea what lay ahead of us.

no clue.

zip.zero.ziltch

I've mention my "Monet vision" of the future....feelings, colors, rough outlines. But details? nope. details have been out of my reach.

until this week.

this week has brought with it a sense of almost unnerving clarity.

For those of you just joining me here I'll give you the brief low down.

We sold our house and moved to this little hamlet of loveliness in September...rented a sweet not-so-little place on the lake, knowing it was temporary and gave "moving back" a whirl. (being here is hard for me..much baggage and "stuff" to work through)

My Dad, who has advanced lung cancer, moved in with us in November. The longer he is with us the more we see that really, this is why we came here. So that he could settle with us while receiving his treatment at a near by major hospital.

All of this time we are trying to decide...do we stay here?? do we look elsewhere?? what does our family need?

All of the while my heart, yearning to be settled, understands that I must be patient and that once we are settled the time to adopt will near and my arms will be full of sweet, chocolate babes...completeness.

This week?

Something shifted at my hubbies work place. The proverbial "straw"...

The reason we choose this village in the first place was work. Adam could return to his previous employer...increased wage/respected position...yadayadayada. job security near good friends.

HA!

not so much. (because we must learn that what we think we have we often don't...maybe this is how we learn to value what we do??)

My dear hubby has become increasingly worried about the situation. But when he showed up one afternoon because there was no work the alarm bells began to clang. loudly. and over the next 2 weeks the volume increased until we could not ignore it...the time had come. the shift. the propelling event that would move us out of limbo and on a very clear path.

more on that soon...for now, whilst everything is being sorted I will leave you with this image:

is it possible I might actually be able to unpack soon??? (no, I have not yet unpacked...yes I realize that we've been here 7 months☺) Please pray for sanity and clarity...and will need both in generous portions!!

note to self: remember to breathe!

so, I won something....

i am shocked

scratch that....

I'm amazed

you know when you need something?

when you're working towards something... you're visualizing it....

visualizing it like an impressionist painting...

Monet's sunsets, vague, full of color, alluding to something....details obscured

that's where I'm at. I have a clear "Monet" vision of the future. The feelings are so vivid, the energy clear...details, not so much.

So yesterday I was over at SouleMama. I love to frequent her blog. I find it inspiring to read of someone who lives, to some degree, similarly to me. I love her photo's...the color and light. Anyway, she had a sponsor giveaway happening so down I scroll to read about it.

My stomach twists, i felt compelled both to comment AND turn off the computer and run away. I decide to comment, thus entering myself in the draw, which was shockingly challenging for me. I thought to myself..."I never win these things anyway" followed quickly by "just watch, I'll win this because I'm so darned afraid of it....because I actually need it...because I would never just go do something like this for myself (not with a coin jar to fill)."

I won!

I will be taking part in Susannah Conway's e-course Unravelling!?!!

light spills forth and details become slightly more clear...

I am grateful...did I mention scared?...pretty freaked?? that to.

(you might need to read Susannahs "about me" to understand the fear part....)

~Facing my Demon~

I had a vision of how this would go. Thoughts of connections, dear friends, community...thoughts of being actively involved in all of these things. Dreams of filling in the blanks...were there blanks to fill in? dreams of some thing more....although I sit here and wonder, more then what?

My chest is tight and I am shaky...food seems to have become my enemy, my body taking up issues with the usuals on my plate.

I am tired, so very tired. When did walking up the stairs become a major physical activity?

I am smiling at my children, playing lego in the sunshine. They are patient, enjoying the slow paced days that have become more and more frequent.

This is not what I had in mind.

This? This is something I fear with every molecule of my being. This is a kind of sick that you can't send away with healthy doses of ginger, garlic and echinacea. This is deeper....this is my demon. I have no choice but to face it. To accept that my body and I are not always on the same page. To realize that I can not take my health for granted. That I can not assume that I will never be here again. I am here...again. To be tested? To be reminded? To find strength, reach deeper?

Tears keep welling up in my eyes.

I don't want this.

I've been well for so long that I really did believe that this was over.

But its not.

Here I am, in the same town. At the same time of year, 5 years later. Deep breath.


(links to previous post as to exactly where "here" is: here and here part 2 )

My Arsenal of Weapons

Here I ebb. Here I pull back. I retreat into that space of home and hearth and family. A space of gentle days and low pressures. A space where I do my damnedest to reduce my stress as much as humanly possible.

Times are heavy., Hearts are heavy. This seems to be the tone in the lives of so many that I hold close. This odd time where the little lights that shine are oh-so brilliant, but the heaviness seems to be casting shadows long and dark.

I've done something that I tend to do. Leapt in with both feet. Loaded my plate high with the bounty of life, of this new land and all these wonderful people. Forgot that I am dealing with some of the biggest stresses of my life. Expected that I, the super human mama, could do it ALL. Do it all while tenderly cradling the hearts of all I know who are in pain. Forgot that I too have a heart that is in pain. That I need to cradle myself...to let go of the overflowing plate.

We are living in a new house, a house that we don't own. We are living in a town that we've been away from for 4 1/2 years in an area that holds much painful history for me. There are oh so many amazing aspects of being here. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard, or that there is a part of me that is mourning the loss of our old "life". I need to allow myself the time to settle...and that with 4 children it may take a LONG time!

and..

My dad is dying and it scares the shit out of me. I am realizing this. He is coming to live with us which also scares the shit out of me. (we have a separate suite in our house so it is perfect for him) I worry for him. I worry for me, for our children. For my husband. How do people do this?!

Most of the time I feel grateful for this time. To know that we have time to say goodbye. Time to cherish one another. But it is HARD! so hard to watch him suffer. So hard to let go of my "organized" nature and just BE with this without knowing how it will flow. So hard to let go of all of the things that I "do" with my time that I just can't do anymore....not now anyway.

I tend to get sick when I am burnt out. Anxiety creeps in and I sink into the depths of the overwhelmed. Fortunately I have come to understand that if I reduce my stresses (the ones that I am in control of anyway) it makes a world of difference. So I am setting out to navigate these frightful seas with my "arsenal of weapons"

I am setting aside expectations. I am clearing my calendar. I am coming if I can make it. I am sorry for the inconvenience but I know that I am surrounded by loved ones who understand.

I am snuggling in bed with my kids. I am having long phone chats with my Dad while he prepares for the move. I am cooking dinner with my husband and listening to him play his music with eyes closed and heart open. I am holding him, laughing with him, crying with him. I am crafting, sewing. I am wearing my pj's still. I am excepting the loving help of my friends. I am taking bubble baths with lots of kiddo's and lots of toys. I am looking into the faces of my children and being filled with awe at their beauty. I am running my fingers through their hair, kissing their foreheads, inhaling their glorious fragrances. I am taking deep breaths. Reminding myself to be gentle with my words, my energy.

I am going outside. Fresh air, head to the sky.

I am turning off the computer. I am watch "feel good" movies, romantic comedies, love stories, fantasy action adventure. I am listening to books on tape with arm loads of babes and blankets...thanks you CS Lewis! I am reading cook books and making grocery lists. I am drinking tea, drinking more water, taking my supplements, eating more apples. We are collecting beach glass...remembering that we have a beach and that we can be there everyday. I am remembering the WE.

I am opening up in sweet surrender....

~So goose-pimply profound~

I've been going through some intense transitions with all this moving. A huge part of that has been really understanding that our adoption is at least a year if not 2 away (or more). I have been shifting from being future focused (when we sell our house.../when we move.../when we adopt...) to being present focused (right now we can bike/craft/play/study/make music/dance/be part of our community/put down roots/home school passionately) Its a major shift for me because for so long it has been the other way. For so long we worked on our home and put our energy towards our vision of the future while manifesting the now. Now we are renting. Now there is no house that requires all of our time and money. Now we have time...

So, the point of the story...so goose-pimply profound.

When I was in Vancouver at the Birthing from Within Workshop I got the stomach flu (on the last day). My mind was full and whirling with thoughts of our children, our new home, the now, teaching birth classes/doing doula work. I was thinking so much about the transitions I was experiencing as a mother. How I would not be a pregnant women again. That my baby would wean himself with in the next year or so and that I wouldn't nurse again until we adopt. I was NOT focused on thoughts of Ethiopia, our children, adoption. (well, not obsessively anyway...it might have come up once or twice ☺) Partially consciously and then unconsciously.

On my last night in Vancouver I was feeling really trapped. The little basement suite that I was staying in was stuffy and musty so I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air (this was before I realized that I had the stomach flu). So I'm walking...down the busy city streets...all the sounds, all the smells, and I realize that I haven't been looking at anything...just the ground. So I start looking in the Windows of the shops as I pass. After a while I realize that I've only looked to my left and that there's a whole other side to the street so my gaze crosses the road.....and settles directly on and Ethiopian restaurant!! I stop dead in my tracks. process...do I go in? do I order something and take it back? do I continue to stand here staring like a crazy women? I was so sick, so overwhelmed with being away from my family...I was not prepared to be brought into this very intense head space...my heart is hammering like crazy because, didn't I just decide that I was going to live in the now?? So, I choose to keep walking. Shake my head a few times...take a few deep breathes....keep walking. Live in the now...let go of something that is, at this point, so very far away.

Ahead I see I beautiful mural painted on the side of a building....full of color, bursting with life energy in the middle of the sketchy east side. An Oasis...light in a very dark place.

I decide that I'm going to go check it out before I head back. So I do. I stop and let the beauty of it fill me. I'm feeling inspired. Feeling purpose full. As my eyes dance across the vast piece of magic a glint of brass catches, attracts me. I step closer, realizing that it is a plac describing what the mural is about.

I step closer still, read the words.

I see the word Orphan....

My lungs seem to have forgotten how to breathe. I gasp and it comes out as a choking sob. I break down. There on a street corner in busy downtown Vancouver I fall apart. Completely.

Maybe it was because I was so sick. Maybe it was because I missed my family so much and felt so oddly separated form my life. But this? this brought me right back to the center of this dream...this vision that I have had since I was tiny, that has been a huge focus for so many moons.

Here, away from everything that is familiar to me, I heard our children. I saw them dance across my vision. I felt them so intensely that I thought I might explode. I felt our family. The whole, the complete, the joy and pain of all of our facets that make us US. The threads that create our tapestry....the words that create our story. The punctuation.

Remember to breathe.....

Eventually my feet start moving again. The tears keep rolling. I take a back street until my face begins to resemble something reminiscent of normal.

I return to the wee basement suite. I continue on with being sick...my mind whirling in a whole new way (or old way, depending on your perspective) Somehow, the next day, I make it home. driving 5 hours solo with the stomach flu: not recommended!

So here I am now. 2 weeks later. Processing my trip, the workshop (which was amazing in many ways). Realizing that being away from my family is not something I'm willing to do again. (Its just not worth it to me....and worthy of a whole separate post!)

I am understanding that there is no "back shelf" in my mind that I can place my passion for Ethiopia and our children on. No "back burner" that would ever be sufficient to simmer this while I focus on other things. I have come to understand that this is so much a part of me that I need to have it as part of my life, even if we don't adopt for 5 years...or 10 years....or 6 months! That time frame is something I need to surrender, the control over that....surrender the need to control. I need to embrace my faith that when the time is right, when we are ready, when our children are ready it WILL happen.

wow....not what I was expecting to get out of that weekend!! And somehow all the whirling that has been going on in my mind since we began our move seems to be no more then a breeze. A breeze that touches my cheek and reminds me of who I am...no matter where we live.

I am so very thankful.

(this is the mural, although when I saw it it was cradled in the dark of night)

~This little Hamlet of Lovliness~

I'm still here!! really!

Its funny to me how we forget how HARD moving is...It must be one of those magical blessings from the universe because if we remembered would we really choose to do it again?? hmmmm...

So, to update you all, we are now residents of a beautiful, quaint village of a mere 800 or so folks. Lovely, artsy, enchanting and only a few minutes from a large town that has everything we could need right there. No more travelling 2 hours to go shopping!! yay! And the drive?? A whimsical winding road through orchards and rolling vineyards, past stunning winery's and loved homes along the beautiful with a background of mountains and rugged clay cliffs...so much contrast..stunning! Our home is within walking distance of the general store, cafe, library, park, beach, bmx track. My hubby bikes to work which is 5 minutes away. Bliss I tell you. Every day I am grateful that we made the choice to move back here. It has been an awesome homecoming in so many ways. Everything is echoing with "this was the right decision".

Yesterday the kids started dance and marshal arts. I went to a home learnin' mama's meeting to find out whats going on in the area and get involved. The kids are thrilled to have such a great community of families...so many potential new friends and a few dear friends from years ago.

We are living in that odd place of boxes, laundry and life...to busy living life to unpack the boxes. So if you are one of my dear pals from afar and you come to visit this autumn be prepared...one day I'll hang the art and organize shelves, but today it is hot and glorious, the kids want to go for a swim and I am half way through Eclipse....(blush... I can't help it...Twilight is addictive!!)

Speaking of which, I should really go make lunch before my kitchen turns into an oven and I'm tempted to put on the air conditioner!! I think it will take a while to acclimatize...we've become chilly northern folk! lol

I hope you all are enjoying this beautiful September!!

~this path~

As time progress we find ourselves on a different path then we started. Somewhere along the way we veered..maybe toward something sweet...or dark and mysterious...at any rate when I look around now I find myself in a place I've never been that is still, somehow familiar.

I am a strong believer in our abilities to manifest our dreams...faith in that...no matter which path we walk down...is what gives me courage to take steps off the beaten path. It gives me strength to forage our own path even when those around us declare us insane for our methods. As the years pass I see so clearly how our faith and optimism has led us, time and time again, to where we need to be....closer to our vision...closer to our dream. But it is the dream...the destination that is so clear to me....the HOW...not so much. And this is where surrender comes in. When things are going on in my life that I don't understand or that seem to nearly break me I hold on to my faith that at the other side of the experience things will become clear. Its the whole, hindsight is 20/20 thing....looking back I can see the reasons for experiences that, at the time, seemed completely disconnected.

Nothing is disconnected. This is something I believe in the very core of my being. We really are all connected...everything...literally. It's the whole circle of life thing...action /reaction...prayer/ answer...karma...the law of attraction. What we put out really does come back to us. When we pray...whether to God, the Universe, the Creator (so many names..but I believe the are all the same)...our answers are rarely what we expect..but always what we need.

The visions I have of our future are so clear I could reach out and touch them. I see our home (a place Adam and I both dreamt about when we first met...the same night!) I see our children...the ones that have yet to join our family...I smell them, know them by heart even though I'm quite sure they haven't even been born yet. I see myself...the lines around my eyes, the grey of my hair...a knowing, gentle expression that comes from things I have yet to experience.

I see it all so clearly that I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will be there. I have complete faith that the HOW will happen in the way that it is meant to...the way I don't understand...the way I sometimes fear (there is loss on that path, this much I know). I let go of the need to understand the HOW....we are the WHY...love and life are the Why...the HOW is unknown.

And this is where I surrender. This is where I find freedom. When our actions are out of love...with truth, respect and compassion in mind, they will bring to us love, truth, respect and compassion. These things are so key to fulfillment for me. My life is empty without them and when I embrace them I feel the distance between us and our dreams lessen....or maybe it is that I realise that this IS the dream. Living life this way...focused on the positive, cradling the negative with understanding (or striving too at least)...moving forward with faith and vision.

When Imagine Adoption closed its doors to Canadian families I was stunned. I looked at my contract..still sitting beside my computer, where it has been for almost a year, and said a quite prayer of thanks. You see, I have been holding that contract, reading it and re-reading it, wondering when the moment would come to send it away...to start the process on paper. I have had moments of deep frustration with the way things were flowing in our lives. Asking Why!?! when this love is so huge and true, when my heart is so open, why are things not flowing?? Eventually I embraced patience. I embraced the understanding that things happen for a reason and that the reason is not always clear to us. I wrapped myself in the faith that I KNOW that one day we will be in Ethiopia welcoming our children into our arms, our hearts. Embracing the change and gift that all of that will mean for our family. And I found comfort. And I let go.

When Imagine closed its doors something became so abundantly clear to me. Right now, with moving, with my Dad's illness and all that comes with it, I really don't think that I would have the strength to handle going through what all of those families are going through. I don't know that I would be able to fight the fight......I don't know...maybe I would, but really, I question my strength.

I am washed with a cosmic comfort...really!! When you understand that all the while you have been wondering why....questions, frustrated, angry at times....really you were being gifted with a deeper understanding of yourself then you could ever imagine.

hmmmm.....

I sent away for a package from the other Canadian agency that handles Ethiopian adoptions. They told me they would send me a package but suggested that I look at another country...maybe Haiti. Maybe in their eyes Ethiopia has become too controversial...to sketchy. It doesn't matter to me though. When we are ready to start I KNOW our children will be in Ethiopia and that whatever means we need to bring them home will be there...when its time. And for now I will wrap myself in the blanket that is my faith and I will continue to joyously put one foot in font of the other as I walk this unknown path, home.

like a balm of ~ ((sigh))

I am experiencing all manner of emotion right now........(there's a word for that, but I don't seem to know it) mostly I feel light...like a warm glow...like a balm of ((sigh))...release...relief....

We just accepted an offer on our house!!!!!!!

Only waiting for the removal of a few "subject too's" and we will be officially SOLD!

((breathe))

We have been in limbo for almost a year after doing an insane renovation for 2 years...it is time. We will move by the end of August...back to this little hamlet of loveliness.

And just in time for the beginning of the new "school" year! It perfect......we just need to find our new house☺

The key here is not to hold my breath between now and the subject removal date....

(here are a few pic's from our recent trip to the big city)

how

how does one get through this...how do I??
tears roll down my cheeks as my husband reaches out to touch me...sooth me....
his presence invites me to spill.
I am open here in a way I don't understand.
I am angry.
I want to help but my hands, tied behind my back, do little that I can see.

when I call..his voice every day seems farther...or closer....like I could reach out and touch him...but the miles stack up like odds against me and I fear them.
I fear their ability to hold me captive like some random psycho bank robber holding me on the other side of a panel of glass.

and then, from somewhere within me comes the cold....the sniffling cold that tells me the miles aren't the only odds I have to dance with. Patience of a new sort is being tested in me as I bath in oil of oregano...pleading for this to go away so that I can traverse the hills and valleys just to say
"I love you"
"your not alone....see?? I am here....here to do nothing more then be..."

be what??

i don't know

be your daughter....and you my father...everything else can fall away...the pain...the cancer...the chemo...years...money...time...miles.....it all means nothing

but I love you...that means something.

~taking action~

*update at the bottom of the page*

Loss is powerful. It seems to have a butterfly effect...touching so many more then just those directly involved.

All week I have been reading about Imagine adoption's bankruptcy. I have read countless blogs, families who are of the 500 clients who have been thrown into a sea of chaos and uncertainty. Families who have put their hearts and souls into the adoption process...their children...their future. Who have spent thousands of dollars and even more hours waiting for their referrals, waiting to pass court, waiting to travel and pick up their children.

We had planned to go through Imagine when we begin the process of adopting our future children. This is one of the rare moments when I am thankful that we haven't begun yet.

I have also spent the week writing letters, signing petitions....praying.

Taking a pro-active approach is so important. Please write your MLA, your MP, the Minister of Immigration and Deb Matthews, the Ontario Minister for Children and Families. Here is a copy of the letter I sent. Feel free to cut and paste portions or all of it.

I am writing to you from my home in the south Cariboo, and I am urgently requesting your support with respect to the dozens upon dozens of families currently in turmoil (financially and emotionally) due to the recent bankruptcy filing of Imagine Adoptions.

I am writing as a mother of 4 who had planned to begin our Ethiopian Adoption through Imagine in the next year. I know there are families who have “passed court” and were awaiting travel notice to pick up their children… and who’ve now been told their children are in limbo, in Canadian transition homes in Addis Ababa wherein their financial accounts have been frozen and they may not be fed or taken care of to the standard of care they deserve. I know of a local (Okanagan)family in which the mother-to-be is now en route to her daughters in Addis Ababa to make sure they are cared for until the fiasco can be sorted out and the citizenship papers finalized. Meanwhile, her husband and father-to-be remains at home trying to provide the financial means to bring this adoption to a close… all the while worrying about his wife being a single mother in a foreign, third-world country. Also many families who have invested thousands of dollars and are in the process of waiting for their referral. This is heartbreaking for these families. International adoption tests our patience and will at the best of times. But there is a huge need here...143,000,000 orphans world wide. These families have gone through the struggles, emotional ups and downs...and now this.

I am urging you to please help expedite the citizenship legalities so these families can bring their beautiful children home. And for the families who never got to the “court” stage, I am urging financial help. They have invested tens of thousands of dollars, and years, into their dreams of building a family, and are now empty-armed.

Also, please take the time to read through this petition and sign it if you support it.
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html

Here is a link to my friend Justine's blog. She has written in great detail about what is going on.

~I'm listening for birds~

Hearts bend ‘cause they can’t break

When they can’t take

All that is given to them

Glass eyes on your sad face

It’s a sad story

somebody’s written on you

Love in my heart,

right from the start

So please take me with you

Birds sing out the window

Sing out the window

sing

Do you hear those birds

sing out the window

Sing out the window

sing

Take me with your shovel

We’ll burry all your troubles

All your troubles

Oh the light is always on you

Always in the light

~Shovel by Katie Herzig

Today my dad called. He got the results...

not operable...

chemo...

radiation...

I am listening for the birds...♪♫♪♪♫

~cycle-therapy~ making it through the land of wait

I remember the first time I read Oh The Places You'll Go by good ol' Dr. Seuss. When I cam to the waiting page I clearly remember thinking to myself "I will never wait like that...I will be to busy living to even notice waiting!" ha.....oh the thoughts of youth. And now, here I am living in the land of wait on so many levels...trying to remember to live while I wait. trying (sometimes desperately) to hold onto the joy of the moment while I do my very best not to notice every single tick of the clock...

waiting for the house to sell

waiting to travel and visit all our family (its been years)

waiting to move

waiting to find out about my dad's cancer treatment

waiting to start my doula/childbirth prep class business

waiting to open my ETSY fundraiser shop

waiting for hubby to record

waiting to begin our adoption process

waiting....waiting...waiting

In so many ways I have felt like our whole life is on hold...so much hanging on the selling of our house. There are so many things we decided not to do this summer "because our house will sell". And when it sells we will take our children on the much anticipated trip across Canada so that we can visit all of our family in the east who we haven't seen for years. And then we'll move.

But for now...waiting...back to waiting....

So I have decided recently "to hell with waiting!" I HAVE to do something or I am going to loose my mind, literally. I have started making play dates...my kids having sleepovers...saying yes to performance dates....yes to camping trips. If I have to cancel last minute my pep's will understand, heck, they are people who I love and who love me...they see this wacky tortured frame I have been (or maybe not if I'm that good at hiding it).

My hubby says I need to get myself really involved in some kind of Ethiopian Aid organization so that, even though the waiting will continue for a while longer, I can still feel productive. He's right (as usual...he knows me so well) That has been my plan all along but somehow, amidst all this waiting, especially the uncertainty around my Dad, I got sidetracked. So, to all you folks who are on the Ethiopia train, help?? can you share you wisdom? send me links??

Another way I have been making it through...that helps not only me but our children (who reflect my heart and mind so clearly). is to bike. It is physical activity, it is challenging....we breathe in the beautiful, clean air and are lifted by the very action. If ever there is a moment when we are out of balance we hop on the bikes and by the time we get home there is a calm that remains with us for the rest of the day.

How do you cope with waiting? How do you get through those challenging moments that are completely out of our hands? (or, at least it appears that way)

Willow and Noah peeking from within their snazzy ride

enjoying a romp in the greenbelt..a wonderful biking destination

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

I am covered completely in goose bumps, tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, for the third time this week!

I have been moved in ways I can't even describe by watching these amazing families go through the struggles and joys of waiting..."waiting with the infinite patience of those who have little choice but to wait" (~ from Cutting for Stone by A.V.)
I have been moved by the courage of these families as they reach across the world with hearts so completely open, welcoming in the kind of wonder from which dreams are made..the very best dreams. The deepest, truest kind of LOVE...big, big love...love divine!

So here I sit, celebrating for Julie and Steven...people I have never met...in such a deep way. Welcoming into their family FOREVER a sweet little Chunk of Love and a darling Degas Ballerina in a Blue Dress. You can read about their amazing journey over at The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened!

Congratulations guys!! You are such an inspiration to me in more ways then you can imagine!
(The Wish Bearer sure is making her rounds this week!!♥♥♥)

♥~woohooo!!!! Another family passes court!!~♥

What a magical week!!!

After a VERY long wait and 7...count them, 7 court dates!!! Nicky and Jrock over at Rowan Family Tree are finally the ridiculously proud parents of beautiful, twin, nearly 3 year old girls: Sugar and Spice!

I am so, so, so happy for you guys!! Your daughters are stunning. I have so much admiration for the strength you showed during this painstaking process. Those girls are so blessed to have you loving and advocating for them.

Congratulations!

(she is called The Wish Bearer...seems she is making her rounds this week)