Tuesday, July 21, 2009

how

how does one get through this...how do I??
tears roll down my cheeks as my husband reaches out to touch me...sooth me....
his presence invites me to spill.
I am open here in a way I don't understand.
I am angry.
I want to help but my hands, tied behind my back, do little that I can see.

when I call..his voice every day seems farther...or closer....like I could reach out and touch him...but the miles stack up like odds against me and I fear them.
I fear their ability to hold me captive like some random psycho bank robber holding me on the other side of a panel of glass.

and then, from somewhere within me comes the cold....the sniffling cold that tells me the miles aren't the only odds I have to dance with. Patience of a new sort is being tested in me as I bath in oil of oregano...pleading for this to go away so that I can traverse the hills and valleys just to say
"I love you"
"your not alone....see?? I am here....here to do nothing more then be..."

be what??

i don't know

be your daughter....and you my father...everything else can fall away...the pain...the cancer...the chemo...years...money...time...miles.....it all means nothing

but I love you...that means something.

6 comments:

L.T. Elliot said...

I am praying for you and your dad. God Bless.

Kimberly said...

Sweet, sweet Jenn. You reveal your beautiful soul even as the sorrow overwhelms you. How I wish you didn't have to endure this stress and grief, and yet I cannot help but think how fortunate your dad is to have YOU supporting him through this. You are a blessing in the lives of all who know you.

Rebecca said...

I am sending you love. It's big love, warm and cozy quilt-like blanket love. You will find your way- you have such a lovely heart to trust. Thinking of you!!!

daniela said...

love means everything

Malia'sMama said...

HUGE hug as you all go through this... daughter. that's out toughest role, I think

sunmamma said...

Sending positive vibes for you all!!!