Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Don't know if you noticed but...

I am revamping in a big way.  Not just the way that this blog looks but also the direction in which I wish to go from here. 

There are so many things in my life that I want to share, so many parts of myslef that I am in the process of rediscovering.

so stay tuned 'cause this mama is feeling very inspired!

Monday, July 12, 2010

being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!


I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?


"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"
painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The View from Way up Here...

from where I sit now thing look different.
its not just the elevation....the elation of finally being home. 
its somewhere between the rockie mountain peaks and the cool depths of the lake. 
between the clouds that are as often below as above here.
its been a long climb and I am tired.  
but its the kind of tired that fills you with joy as you looks around and behold the wonder that you would have missed if you had stayed way down there. 

i'd exhale but the air tastes so good I want to keep it in.
maybe that's why I have been disconnected from the clickety click of this keyboard?
to busy infusing myself with every molecule of this fresh mountain air.
oxygen, clean like my lungs have never known

it is time to re group
time to settle in
to unpack
find our new rhythm
make friends
splash in the very cold lake feed by the snow capped mountains and slowly melting glaciers

I make us extra large mason jars full of home made ice tea early in the morning.
the family favorite so far is black currant hibiscus sweetened with blue agave nectar..sipped directly from the jar in the hot summer sun

we make the trek down the very steep mountain side to the town core
inhale the aromas of lake/pine/coffee/nag champa/hot pavement/wet pavement/garlic/korma....
city and mountain collide and the i am intoxicated by it

my beautiful children marvel at the architecture, 
the many colorful people
the many languages the dance on the breeze...we want to learn them all
they are giddy about all of the home schooled kids
they have made best buds and kindred spirits
they feel more at home then they have EVER and for that I am abundantly grateful
they (meaning Noah for the most part) are throwing tantrums and yelling at each other
they are finding their groove
I am loosing my patience and then, by the grace of the goddess, finding it again

our home is in town
it has been years since we lived IN town
laundry lines
bicycling to the store
neighbourhood parties
the smell of coffee being roasted in the cafes early in the morning wafting up the hillside

it is different and I like it