there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident. Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.
this is not one of those moments.
in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door. I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage. I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.
Lets call it PMS shall we? Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k? Then I can continue to be nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!
the truth is that I am on the verge.
not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier! seriously!
the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new. something that is scarier then I can express.
here I am fast approaching foreign ground. My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2. He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly. He is not a baby. He is a full blow kid.
I need to be completely honest.
It frightens me!
Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.) That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!
I have no idea who I am outside of that. I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7. I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.
Part of the thought thrills me. I feel adventurous. I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..
most of me though.....scared shitless!
I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual. either way I am very much wondering...
where do I go from here?
how do I let go?
"It only hurts to think about letting go. once you do the pain is simply gone"
painting and quote by artist chantey dayal