Monday, July 12, 2010

being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!


I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?


"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"
painting and quote by artist chantey dayal


Kimberly said...

It must be such a strange, surreal shift, from supporting your children so much with the physical parts of yourself to something that feels (but isn't!) less. But I can't help thinking that while they won't be receiving sustenance from your body anymore, they still receive sustenance from YOU. Emotionally, physically, provide so much. It isn't so much a letting go on the horizon for you as it is a changing. And yes, that's scarier than heck of course, but perhaps there will be time and space to focus on the wonder of those other forms of sustenance.

You sustain them with the food you prepare and serve, with your cuddles and your hugs and your hand holding and your lifting and your carrying and your comforting arms. You sustain them with love and with caring about them (and Adam) more than anybody or anything in all the world. You are beyond necessary to all of them. The time to let go is a long while away yet, and even then, a mother never lets go completely. Never possibly could.

I guess what I'm saying is - it will be okay, because in a way, it already is.

That said, I wish I were there to bring you something chocolate right now.

kristine said...

you are amazing! and you will be amazing not nursing, not pregnant too! and you know, you don't have to do something that big to be amazing! no, you can just be you. the not lactating you! really.

I think as women we are so bred to do, do, do. Men can sit around push the chair back on the two back legs and just talk, really gossip, but they won't admit it, but just sit there and be...sometimes they might play dominos or cards or whatever.

What do women do if they want to sit down? they knit, they crochet, they sew, women have to feel productive (ok not all women, but most that I know.)

As human beings we can stop and not do anything more than live in the moment. of course, you mama will still be doing a great deal, but ya know, you don't need to fill up the space.

on the other hand, i have just one and only nursed him 10 months! I had hoped for a year but it didn't work out. I was devastated. I get that. They are so sweet when they are young. It's so short. It's OK to be devastated too. I know you know all of this, but just wanted to lend you my support to say you're not alone.

We have a right to be on the verge especially when we are.

It will be fine...once the verge is over and your feet are on the new firm ground.

♪~Jenn~♪ said...

you two with your affirmations and truths....filling me up as I sit here (hubby now home) and re-group. thank you.

The Busters said...

What lovely comments you just received. I really enjoyed reading what they had to say and learning from their wisdom. Letting go is crazy hard. Lao Tzu said, "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." Hugs to you!