Fricken Fantastic Friday (or pic # 8)

As I said, yesterday was a challenge. Actually, it was the peak moment of a building struggle that has been reappearing over the last few weeks. (after a few months of semi-dormancy) When my hubby got home from work I was about ready to burst.

I don't know why but when he asked me how I was I said. "my womb is empty" He looks at me kind of oddly and then smiles. Heads upstairs to have a shower. I follow, needing more conversation...needing to spill.

I say "how about a vasectomy reversal?" his head pops out of the shower, he laughs. Why I said that I don't know...maybe I just needed to express my deep need for our children...the womb being a metaphor for the big gaping space (shaped like 2 little sweeties) in my heart that can only be filled by them.

him:"um, I thought we had a whole other plan?"

me: "what exactly do you mean?" wondering if he was going to talk about recording music or buying our next house, or when we move again...

him: "I thought we were adding to our family through another route where we will grow in a whole new way."

I start to sob....heaving, tears splattering, nose dripping. why? because he's with me on this!! because we are on the same track. because, even though we haven't talked about adopting all that much over the last few months, we have not lost sight of what we want. because he is my deepest love and when I need him he is there for me in ways I don't even know I need...until he says those words, looks at me that way, and fills me up where I didn't even know I was empty.

he pokes his head out of the shower again: "this is good!"

me, still blubbering: "what?!?"

him: "this shows that your coming back to yourself!"

and after months of being ill, he's right!! I am!

affirmation has an amazingly powerful effect....today I am basking in it. in the glow of this big, big love♥

~laughter is the best medicine~ *re-post from Jan 18*

*I had to re-post this this morning...I am sick but smiling. A combination that I get to revisit from time to time (fortunatly not breast infectin this time☺)*

He says I look beautiful.

Maybe its the sweaty, tousled hair, the rosy cheeks and shinning eyes.
Maybe its the vulnerability that illness brings.

He says I look sexy.

I smile.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my sweaty forehead.
I laugh, hope he doesn't breathe in to deeply.
Sweat gives off more then a shinning glow you know.

He says laughter is medicine.

He's right.
He is my Patch Adams and I already feel better.
Sure my breast is still inflamed, my feverish body is still exhausted, my head is pounding with an evil migraine that somehow always accompanies mastitis in my world.
But I am smiling.
My heart is whole and I feel lifted by what he gives me. I can feel my body relaxing and I KNOW that if I can truly relax my body WILL heal.

He comes up beside me munching an apple.
"I know this sound cheesy" he says "but, I really do eat an apple a day."
Did I mention that he NEVER gets sick?

"Just wondering....do you?"
I smile as the sun reflects on his juice splattered lips while he chews, grinning.
No....maybe an apple a week. What is this, hubby's right about everything day??

It is gloriously bright this morning.
I am smiling, as I reach for an apple.

~♥ celebrating big, big love ♥~

moments before the birth of Willow

10 years.....a decade....4 children.....3 towns

more love the most people experience is a life time

pure and complete LOVE

(our song)

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

I am covered completely in goose bumps, tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, for the third time this week!

I have been moved in ways I can't even describe by watching these amazing families go through the struggles and joys of waiting..."waiting with the infinite patience of those who have little choice but to wait" (~ from Cutting for Stone by A.V.)
I have been moved by the courage of these families as they reach across the world with hearts so completely open, welcoming in the kind of wonder from which dreams are made..the very best dreams. The deepest, truest kind of LOVE...big, big love...love divine!

So here I sit, celebrating for Julie and Steven...people I have never met...in such a deep way. Welcoming into their family FOREVER a sweet little Chunk of Love and a darling Degas Ballerina in a Blue Dress. You can read about their amazing journey over at The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened!

Congratulations guys!! You are such an inspiration to me in more ways then you can imagine!
(The Wish Bearer sure is making her rounds this week!!♥♥♥)

~A Mothers Fears~ part 2

Fear had taken over....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

Never in my life have I EVER felt so horrific. Time seemed to be holding me in some kind of hammock, swaying me in and out...shifting my perspective without so much as a warning. I felt, for the first time, completely disconnected from the earth. Like I was some how walking in some kind of ethereal plane...not in a deep meditative kinds of way. In a bad dream you can't wake up from, falling but you never touch the ground kind of way.

I need to get grounded, but I felt disoriented.

After my first remedy dose I was able to eat again. I started with salad...all I wanted was salad. Slowly I added oatmeal, chicken and Spelt sourdough bread. I couldn't eat potatoes/pasta/rice/sugars/dairy. I couldn't eat cooked veggies. I didn't realize it but my body was detoxing. Big time. The things that came out of me....(I'll spare you the details) stunned me. I started drinking a whole food/greens/protein shake which really helped with my energy levels.

Another moth passed and I was given a new remedy by my homeopath. When I woke up the next day the nausea was gone! I was so happy!! I actually made lunch! When Dad-e-o came in he was so surprised. I was eating and smiling and had made him food! I could see in his eyes a kind of joy that made my smile broaden. I know how scared he had been. So afraid that he was going to lose me. And this simple act, this smile and prepared lunch was enough to shift his hope to a whole new place.

Something I should mention about the panic and anxiety attacks that I was having~ I didn't realize that's what it was. Having never experienced it before I only knew that it was horrible, but I didn't know why. I new I felt like I was dying but I had no idea how much of a role my fear played in that.

One day as I was driving to town (about 15 minutes away) listening to CBC radio. They were doing an interview with different medical professionals about anxiety. I was instantly draw in and listened with wrapped attention for the duration of the interview. My mind was whirling. Was that it? Was this the answer to one aspect of what I was experiencing?

I spent weeks pondering, mulling, steeping this information in my mind. Fear. It all came back to fear. This is when I remembered the conversation my daughter and I had had all those months before. What I fear is fear. Wow. Justifiably so, I thought, having now experienced such acute and overwhelming fear. Fear is a powerful thing. In the past 3 months every time I experienced pain and nausea I also experienced extreme fear.

I began, slowly, to understand that the fear was something that I could choose to let go of. In those moments when my body was hit with pain I could choose to let that translate into fear and then be thrown madly about on the sea of chaos, OR I could choose to realize that it was fear that made me feel so much worse and try to understand what my body was trying to tell me.

It turn out that my body was trying to tell me something rather specific. Over the next few years I would learn to listen. Every bit of pain, every wave of nausea, every ache or frightening flash of blood was a very clear message.

First of all, I realized what a huge roll stress plays in my health. If I over load my plate or do things that are not in harmony with who I AM, I become stressed and then I become ill. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, how can a homeschooling mother of 4 who makes everything from scratch avoid stress?

LOVE.

It's all about love. When love is the priority everything else seems so simple. We have learned to take the daily stresses of life with a grain of salt. We value our family unity above all else and realize how fickle the material things of this life are. (which is what tends to cause the most stress in our culture) so yeah, LOVE, baby!

Secondly, I came to understand the power of FOOD. You know the old saying "You are what you eat." It's true. The diet of the average north American is disgusting. Revolting even. The rates of cancer, obesity, diabetes, degenerative disease, depression, anxiety, ADHD, mental illness...these rates are both shocking and appalling. How is it that we have allowed this to happen? because the cheap, readily available food options taste good? It just doesn't equate.

I have always been a "healthy" eater. I've never eaten much junk food. I didn't drink pop or eat at fast food places frequently. I bought organic when I could afford it and ate a largely vegetarian diet with little processed food. But there was room for improvement. Apparently a LOT of room for improvement.

I began to pay attention to the way I felt and what I had eaten recently that might be a cause. Wow...after going through illness detox, my body messages were loud and clear. Everything I ate translated to either health and healing or illness and pain. Processed foods with preservatives/high fructose corn syrup/flavor enhancers/hydrogenated oils/artificial flavours (even ones claiming to be "natural")/artificial color and sweeteners- ALL made me sick. Now think about whats in your cupboard. Go on, read some labels. It is shocking to realize how many of the things we buy have these things in them. Now think about going out for dinner or catching a quick bite when your in a rush. Most of the convenient food options out there contain ALL these things.

So, whats a girl to do? Come shopping with me....my cart: loaded with fresh produce, mostly organic (about half full), organic yogurt and soy yogurt (for my boys who can't have dairy), butter, organic soy milk, cream for Dad-e-o's organic whole bean coffee, organic tofu, organic tortilla chips (lightly slated), organic corn and rice cakes, salsa, sour cream, white cheddar cheese (sometimes feta or ricotta), organic salad dressing, olive oil, celtic sea salt, whole organic chicken or breasts, frozen organic veggies and blueberries, Organic sprouted grain bread, flour tortillas.

I take part in a organic food co-op where we buy bulk items (all organic) slow cooking oats, spelt and wheat flour, evaporated cane juice, popping corn, kamut pasta and spelt udon noodles, dried beans. I get my eggs from friends who have free range chickens. I make all of our baked good- cookies, muffins, cakes from scratch. I love to cook and make dinner every night (often with Dad-e-o). food has become sacred to me. By honoring it, choosing what we buy carefully, we, in turn, honour ourselves.

We don't spend money on eating out. We don't spend money on buying "munchies" or grabbing a coffee. We don't drink alcohol so there is no money going to that. What we do spend money on is groceries. It took a while for us to get into the rhythm of it...and to get used to the total of our grocery bill. But when the other option is to be sick it is VERY motivating!

So between figuring out the fear/stress factor and the food factor I began to heal myself with the help and support of the people in my life. It's been just over 4 years now. A few months ago my doctor suggested that we run a bunch of tests. He had been my doctor for 2 years (prenatal care) but I had never really told him my history. I finally transferred my file to him (all 50lbs of it, lol) and he, very respectfully, suggested that we cover all the basics, just to see. So, I found myself, yet again, getting vile upon vile of blood taken, going for ultrasounds and a colonoscopy, seeing specialists.

I get a phone call saying my results are in. I walk in to his office and he is grinning ear to ear. He goes on to tell me that what ever I'm doing I should keep doing. All my test have come back healthy and normal!! Blood tests that I was told would NEVER change, changed. I had a healthy pap for the first time in my life. My bowels, "beautiful" to quote the internologist.

I get goose bumps every time I think about it. He says to me, that he has never seen such a healthy, happy person and that I was blessed.

Yes, I am blessed.

Fear can sometimes be a catalyst for change.

~ A Mothers Fears~ part 1

As mama's I think it is part of our job to have all manner of odd and frightening scenario play through in our minds. I remember the first time I had a frightening/morbid thought~ That somehow my daughter would fly out of the stroller while I was stopped at the curb and get hit by a car. Actually, the visual was much more disturbing then that...all the fears of a new mama packed into one horrifying thought. In all reality it isn't very likely BUT it gave me an element of caution that might not have been there otherwise. And who's to say that that caution didn't save that babe on more then one occasion? Now imagine 11 years of fears. 4 babies. 4 children. All the fears that have translated into different cautions and preparedness.

Sometimes our fears can be a catalyst for change.

One sunny day about 4 and a half years ago, while driving into town with my children, Beena asked me a question.

"What are you afraid of mommy?"

I thought about it for a long time. At that point in my life I had let go of many of my "fears" and was in what I thought to be a much more trusting/positive/faithful place.

I answered "Fear. Fear is what I fear most."

It wasn't long after that that my earth was shaken. First Honey broke her elbow. A 1 year old in a cast is a sad thing indeed! We had vehicle problems. Then we experienced some fairly major family trauma during which I heard fear, real fear, in my husbands voice for the first time. There is still lingering pain from this...I wonder if it will ever heal.

Shortly afterwards I became ill.

Now, I guess the first thing you should understand is that I have struggled with illness all of my life. As a child I seemed to catch everything. As a teen I struggled with symptoms that I didn't understand, and being in a high stress situation (living on my own/working/going to school) from way to early on surly didn't help.

After the birth of my first child my symptoms worsened. I was in pain, exhausted, far to thin. My specialists wanted me to take all kinds of drugs and I was getting 10+ viles of blood taken every few months. I refused to take the prescribed medication. I had done enough research and had enough experience to know that my body reacted horribly to their medication. I would always get nearly every reaction known and be in more misery then when I began.

I told them that I would be taking a natural approach and began an intensive vitamin therapy regime. My health improved and Dad-e-o and I decided we would be open to having another child at this point. I was told that it was very likely I would be to high risk later on in life. After Mr. Bops birth I was healthier then I had ever been. I continued to take supplements and began to eat more and more organic whole foods. We began trying for baby number 3 (which took all of about 2 weeks) and I experienced my healthiest, most vibrant pregnancy yet. Honey was born at home in a swimming pool that we had set up in our living room with no complications. I recovered quickly and felt healthier then ever.

I had healed myself. Through healthy eating, an active lifestyle, loving support and a positive outlook I had done something that I was told was impossible and I was impowered by that.

and then I got sick.

It hit me hard. My body was rocked and my mind along with it. I panicked. How could this be happening? I was healed! what is going on! I could barely move for weeks.

I was so blessed to have my hubby working across the front lawn. He would make the kids breakfast and get them dressed. He would come in on his morning break and change diapers/get snacks. He would be in making lunch and back again at his afternoon break. After work he would make supper, read stories, put kids to bed, do laundry, tidy the house. He was my savior.

I began to see a homeopath after the first few weeks. I was able to eat again the day after the first dose of my remedy. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't been able to eat for far to long and had already lost nearly 30lbs. (did I mention I was thin to begin with?)

One of the things that I struggled with the most during this time was fear. I was experiencing panic attacks and anxiety for the first time in my life. I was so desperately afraid that this was never going to end. That I would never be able to parent my children. To play with them in the sunshine or cook dinner with them. To home school them. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to clean my own house, tend my own garden. I was afraid my husband would look at me and realize he'd made a horrible mistake and leave me.

Fear had taken over.....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

~Laughter is the Best Medicine~

He says I look beautiful.

Maybe its the sweaty, tousled hair, the rosy cheeks and shinning eyes.
Maybe its the vulnerability that illness brings.

He says I look sexy.

I smile.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my sweaty forehead.
I laugh, hope he doesn't breathe in to deeply. Sweat gives off more then a shinning glow you know.

He says laughter is medicine.
He's right.
He is my Patch Adams and I already feel better.
Sure my breast is still inflamed, my feverish body is still exhausted, my head is pounding with an evil migraine that somehow always accompanies mastitis in my world.
But I am smiling.
My heart is whole and I feel lifted by what he gives me.
I can feel my body relaxing and I KNOW that if I can truly relax my body WILL heal.

He comes up beside me munching an apple.

"I know this sound cheesy" he says "but, I really do eat an apple a day."

Did I mention that he NEVER gets sick?

"Just wondering....do you?"

I smile as the sun reflects on his juice splattered lips while he chews, grinning.

No....maybe an apple a week. What is this, hubby's right about everything day??

It is gloriously bright this morning.

I am smiling, as I reach for an apple.