As I said, yesterday was a challenge. Actually, it was the peak moment of a building struggle that has been reappearing over the last few weeks. (after a few months of semi-dormancy) When my hubby got home from work I was about ready to burst.
I don't know why but when he asked me how I was I said. "my womb is empty" He looks at me kind of oddly and then smiles. Heads upstairs to have a shower. I follow, needing more conversation...needing to spill.
I say "how about a vasectomy reversal?" his head pops out of the shower, he laughs. Why I said that I don't know...maybe I just needed to express my deep need for our children...the womb being a metaphor for the big gaping space (shaped like 2 little sweeties) in my heart that can only be filled by them.
him:"um, I thought we had a whole other plan?"
me: "what exactly do you mean?" wondering if he was going to talk about recording music or buying our next house, or when we move again...
him: "I thought we were adding to our family through another route where we will grow in a whole new way."
I start to sob....heaving, tears splattering, nose dripping. why? because he's with me on this!! because we are on the same track. because, even though we haven't talked about adopting all that much over the last few months, we have not lost sight of what we want. because he is my deepest love and when I need him he is there for me in ways I don't even know I need...until he says those words, looks at me that way, and fills me up where I didn't even know I was empty.
he pokes his head out of the shower again: "this is good!"
me, still blubbering: "what?!?"
him: "this shows that your coming back to yourself!"
and after months of being ill, he's right!! I am!
affirmation has an amazingly powerful effect....today I am basking in it. in the glow of this big, big love♥