~ A Mothers Fears~ part 1

As mama's I think it is part of our job to have all manner of odd and frightening scenario play through in our minds. I remember the first time I had a frightening/morbid thought~ That somehow my daughter would fly out of the stroller while I was stopped at the curb and get hit by a car. Actually, the visual was much more disturbing then that...all the fears of a new mama packed into one horrifying thought. In all reality it isn't very likely BUT it gave me an element of caution that might not have been there otherwise. And who's to say that that caution didn't save that babe on more then one occasion? Now imagine 11 years of fears. 4 babies. 4 children. All the fears that have translated into different cautions and preparedness.

Sometimes our fears can be a catalyst for change.

One sunny day about 4 and a half years ago, while driving into town with my children, Beena asked me a question.

"What are you afraid of mommy?"

I thought about it for a long time. At that point in my life I had let go of many of my "fears" and was in what I thought to be a much more trusting/positive/faithful place.

I answered "Fear. Fear is what I fear most."

It wasn't long after that that my earth was shaken. First Honey broke her elbow. A 1 year old in a cast is a sad thing indeed! We had vehicle problems. Then we experienced some fairly major family trauma during which I heard fear, real fear, in my husbands voice for the first time. There is still lingering pain from this...I wonder if it will ever heal.

Shortly afterwards I became ill.

Now, I guess the first thing you should understand is that I have struggled with illness all of my life. As a child I seemed to catch everything. As a teen I struggled with symptoms that I didn't understand, and being in a high stress situation (living on my own/working/going to school) from way to early on surly didn't help.

After the birth of my first child my symptoms worsened. I was in pain, exhausted, far to thin. My specialists wanted me to take all kinds of drugs and I was getting 10+ viles of blood taken every few months. I refused to take the prescribed medication. I had done enough research and had enough experience to know that my body reacted horribly to their medication. I would always get nearly every reaction known and be in more misery then when I began.

I told them that I would be taking a natural approach and began an intensive vitamin therapy regime. My health improved and Dad-e-o and I decided we would be open to having another child at this point. I was told that it was very likely I would be to high risk later on in life. After Mr. Bops birth I was healthier then I had ever been. I continued to take supplements and began to eat more and more organic whole foods. We began trying for baby number 3 (which took all of about 2 weeks) and I experienced my healthiest, most vibrant pregnancy yet. Honey was born at home in a swimming pool that we had set up in our living room with no complications. I recovered quickly and felt healthier then ever.

I had healed myself. Through healthy eating, an active lifestyle, loving support and a positive outlook I had done something that I was told was impossible and I was impowered by that.

and then I got sick.

It hit me hard. My body was rocked and my mind along with it. I panicked. How could this be happening? I was healed! what is going on! I could barely move for weeks.

I was so blessed to have my hubby working across the front lawn. He would make the kids breakfast and get them dressed. He would come in on his morning break and change diapers/get snacks. He would be in making lunch and back again at his afternoon break. After work he would make supper, read stories, put kids to bed, do laundry, tidy the house. He was my savior.

I began to see a homeopath after the first few weeks. I was able to eat again the day after the first dose of my remedy. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't been able to eat for far to long and had already lost nearly 30lbs. (did I mention I was thin to begin with?)

One of the things that I struggled with the most during this time was fear. I was experiencing panic attacks and anxiety for the first time in my life. I was so desperately afraid that this was never going to end. That I would never be able to parent my children. To play with them in the sunshine or cook dinner with them. To home school them. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to clean my own house, tend my own garden. I was afraid my husband would look at me and realize he'd made a horrible mistake and leave me.

Fear had taken over.....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

~L is for Learning~

Finding moments to write proves more challenging then I anticipated!! Not that I really expect to have oodles of time to write daily or anything...just maybe a few more moments then I have found so far. I suppose I need to make spilling more of a priority. After all, isn't that the beauty of a blog?? To have a place on which to spill the overflowing happenings of a life such as this??

but TIME.....where does it go??!!

I've gotta say, trying to do reporting on 3 kids is a heck of a lot more work then doing reporting for 1!! I have Honey registered with a program that requires really minimal reporting. Basically just the technical "she did pages this and that from this book, went on a field trip, did an art project...done" I LOVE it...so easy. It takes me all of 10 minutes to do her weekly report and I get the SAME amount of money as I get for Beena and Mr. Bop!! Their program requires a weekly hours log (min. 25 hour of learning) plus and O4L (observing for learning) which is basically a lil' essay on what they learned, how the felt about it....challenges and triumphs. All in all a much more soulful way of going about things, which is why I signed up with this program in the first place. I love that my children aren't measured and compared, that they appreciated for the multifaceted people that they are, BUT...it takes me an hour to do each of them, which may not seem like much but I've got to say trying to pull an extra 2 hours out of every week when I swear there aren't enough hours to begin with is challenging to say the least.

So why, you might ask, do I stay with the program that asks so much of me?? Well, Mr. Bop is kind of on a test run with them this year. They have a great special ed program and he is registered as a special need guy, which means I have access to a whole shwack of extra funding and lots of support. I'm not sure if I'm really going to need all this extra funding and support yet...thus the test run. But I can say that having someone to bounce off of and seek reassurance and resources from is a VERY good thing...especially someone who respects our rather unconventional way of doing things.

As far as Beena goes, she has been with her LC (learning consultant) for 4 years. Over time we have developed a rather close relationship. Having a female mentor for Beena who has been a part of her life for so long is really important to me, especially as she gets older and begins to do more of her own O4L-ing. Her LC is someone that she can turn to as she goes through the challenges of shifting into women hood.

For these reasons I continue to make the sacrifice of my time and head space. We'll see where I'm at by the end of the year...you never know, maybe it will just take a bit of time for me to get into the rhythm of it all.

Its no wonder I have a hard time finding a moment to write when I am finding it challenging fulfilling my mama/teacher reporting duties!!

On the flip side the actual homeschooling aspect of life...the part that actually matters...is going wonderfully. (oh if only I had loads of $$ and didn't need the resource funding so much!!) I am in love with our new curriculum!! (Sonlight) and am finding the flow of working with all 3 children to really work for us. I guess its just the natural flow of our life. I am facilitating their learning needs just as I do from birth...providing them with what they need to reach that next developmental place. I love the affirmation that comes through the twinkle in the eye of a child who is empowered and fulfilled. There is no greater joy a mother can experience then to see her children truly happy...loving life and learning because that's what we humans do...learn.

~Sweetie Boy learning to propel himself on the hammock swing~