Sunday, October 3, 2010

~New Blog~

Here it is, my new blog!!  Come on over!


(this blog with no longer be in use.  I'll leave it up for a while still though :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

a heads up



The time has come for a shift.  I will be closing this blog and moving to new turf... don't worry I'll keep you posted so we can stay connected:)  until then I'll leave you with this lovely little diddy.  (thanks Courtney:)  Go on, dance about you living room while the outside world shifts to Autumn!  Bliss I tell you!




Sunday, September 5, 2010

reclaiming community

amazing people.

I am lucky to have so many in my life.
truly amazing women and men who inspire me regularly,
who reflect things back to me that I might not have otherwise seen.
who honor and love their family's
who honor and love their friends
who honor  and love themselves (or are learning to) and speak their truths about the beauties and challenges of parenting.

their is something sacred to me about these relationships.
something that calls me to a higher place within myself,
that reminds me who I am and inspires me to fulfil my dreams.

I went with my family back to where we recently moved from.
We went to honor a women who I love and cherish dearly.

good friends here came together and made sacrifices to tend to our dog so that we could make the journey.  Papas beautifully brought the children together... play and food and laughter, while the mama's went to wrap our beloved friend in huge, beaming radiant love.

There, in that room, surrounded by all of this supportive, nurturing, loving energy for this amazing women, I felt awe.

I felt gratitude.

I felt life.

songs and tears flowed like wine, voice sang and spoke their truths.  love blossomed into a beautiful thing that filled us all with something.... something words can not express.


coming together like that, to hold and cherish the one of us who is in need of loving support, having the opportunity to actually say at the very least a fraction of what I feel to her... magic.  

how did it happen?  

how is it that somehow, within this completely malfunctioning society, our broken culture, that we have been able to begin to rebuild what community truly is?  It is amazing.... like grace in the old school song... that saved a wretch like me.
 
truly.

because the reality is that I once was lost... like the majority of people out there who struggle day to day to find what it is to be a women, to be a man.  who battle their instincts with the current trends in parenthood.  who struggle with self image.  who have no idea what it is like to be carried when they have fallen because we have forgotten what it is like to NOT  be alone.

but we're not alone.

I am not alone.

you are not alone.

she is not alone.

we are in this together.

these people are my Grace and I am glad to be part of theirs as well.

I love you all!


community




Thursday, September 2, 2010

~green~

I guess I'll sit and write then.

I've sat down at my sewing table.  
stared blankly at half finished projects. 
thought about the dolls I should make for the store that is now carrying them.  
stared at the piles of colorful wool roving.
 
thought about her. 
 
thought about the color green.  
her favorite.  
thought about the beaded bracelet...
green and powerful, made by mama's who are changing their lives through beads...
she was away then.  
missed the bead party.  
she was in the hospital having a bone marrow transplant. 
 
I saw it.  
thought of her.  
thought of the way her amazing smile could light up a room. 
as if she herself were life manifest.  
green and growing.  
when she returned, tired but smiling...finding strength that put me in awe, I gave it to her.  
I didn't know her favorite color was green..
just new that those beads needed to be hers.  
wanted her to remember her powerful life force.  
wanted to empower her.  
wanted to tell her that I loved her.  
that I thought she was one of the most amazing people I ever met.  
wanted to do more, 
to somehow ease her burdens, 
to somehow take away her pain.

I gave her a bracelet.
lost my words.  
told her it reminded me of her.
that's all I said.
maybe I said more...I just remember wishing I had said more

I hoped she heard everything else through my breath.
the things I didn't say.

tomorrow I will travel to her. 
I will say everything that I did not say.
I will wrap her in the warmth of my love and respect.
of my admiration.
I will weep with this overflowing emotion.

I am trying to comprehend this thing that comes into peoples bodies and calls them to another place.
I'm trying not to be angry that it is draining her.  
but I am.

I know she doesn't want to leave him.
her son.
she is holding on for him.
putting on her brave mama face.
her beautiful face that looks at him with longing.
I've never seen that kind of longing in a mamas eyes before.
its almost more then I can bare.

she is his everything.

oh that I could ease her pain.

sweet, sweet mama.




Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Wordless Wednesday (almost)




I have mentioned the amazing view from our new home, wanted you all to know I'm not all talk:)

many blessing to you on this, the first day of September!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

head count

when we are out and about and I am doing a head count something in me panics.  where are they?  I am sure that someone is missing!!!  I count again.

1

2

3

4

wait...we have 4...thats the number.

so why then, do I constantly feel like I'm missing 2 kids?  seriously... it happens frequently.


our 2 babes....
one day they'll be here and I can stop wondering where they are.

I'll know.


Photo: Ethiopia
Photograph by Diego Lezama Orezzoli/CORBIS
Tisisat Falls presents an idyllic scene. The Blue Nile crashes over the cataract in the lush forests of northwest Ethiopia.

Monday, August 16, 2010

element bending...fun for the whole fam-damly

A few weeks ago he comes home and says to her, "a girl at work recommended a series to us...sounds fantastic!"

hmmm, she thinks. She is leery. Its the whole TV thing...she loathes TV, most anything associated with TV.

They go to their local super cool video store (not a big chain and best selection anywhere, hands down!) and he shows her the case.

double hmmm...she sees the nickelodeon symbol, the animated cover looking rather fierce.

Nope. flat out not interested. (she is stubborn...did I mention that?)

He walks away, ever so slightly crestfallen. He decides to check out youtube...see if they can find an episode to preview.

(she is also VERY picky about what her wee kiddos watch, did I mention that??)

He finds an episode online, watches it. declares that it was amazing and that she is going to love it and should just trust him already. (she does trust him, and loves that he would preview it for them...feels all beamy and weak kneed)

So, they rent it. Book 1, disc 1 (she loves that they call them "books" rather then seasons!)

They watch it. They love it. actually they LOVE IT!!!

She extra specially loves it. Why you ask? well, because it speaks to her soul connection with most anything to do with the elements and finding balance. because she is kinda old school spiritual and loves that the main character is likened to a Buddhist monk. she loves that so many great subjects are touched upon...deeper then one might expect from a nickelodeon "cartoon".
she loves the idea of element bending...has already decided that she would be from the water tribe and would be a water wheelin' healer. (of course she'd be a healer, as if you had any doubts) she loves the way her whole family gets giddy at the thought of a movie night. the way they all pile onto the bed, snuggled together and eagerly await the next turn of events.

She thinks, wow, how did this magic come to be?

she is grateful and fully into the wee bit of escapism that these movie nights afford them.

what she does not like, not even in the slightest, is what happened when hollywood got their hands onto it. what disgusts her is how, yet again, hollywood has done an amazing job at whitewashing a uniquely Asian series. what makes her feel ever so slightly ill and even more mama bear-ish is that each and every one of the main characters somehow managed to be white....oh, except that the fire nation somehow looks middle eastern. (grrr, that's a whole other post)

why mama bear-ish? because that's the part of her that clicks into high gear when she senses injustice, prejudice, racism...

check out this article, written by a 12 year old girl who was adopted as an infant from China. It was originally published in Adoption Today, a magazine dedicated to international and trans racial adoption.

also check out Racebending.com, advocating just and equal opportunity in television and film

So, they will continue their way through the books, disc by disc...but support hollywood racism? no, they'll take a stand, as a family and say....



Tuesday, August 3, 2010

because this is beautiful

bits about me that you may not have known

* I love to burn incense.  something about the earthy, heady aromas sets my soul at ease and brings me to a place of peace.  I always feel at home when I am out and about  and my nose catches that sacred sent adrift on the breeze...somehow I feel connected to all you other incense burners out there.

*there is something about my husbands hands that humbles me.  they are strong and so much larger then mine.  with them he creates the most inexpressibly beautiful music.  he uses them to shape magic out of wood, doors and windows...which is to me so much deeper then functional.  I find those hands more attractive then any.feature.on.any.human.anywhere. 

*I have a passion for tea.  I drink it numerous times a day.  I love to make tea in large mason jars and set it in the fridge, topped with frozen berries and slices of lemon...always with a drizzle of honey or agave.

*I don't drink caffeine....much to my dismay as I have a huge deep passionate love for a perfectly blended  spiced chai or a well made cup of coffee...you know, freshly ground organic/fair trade/shade grown/locally roasted goodness usually made in a bodum or espresso maker with a touch of organic/raw sugar and a splash of cream ((sigh))  my body has decided that caffeine just isn't for me:( so now I live through  the aroma therapy of my hubby's morning java and chai's rooibos style.

*I think the smell of garlic cooking is sexy.  seriously.

*I want to cook with you.  I want to  share laughter and tears that can only come through chopping, stirring and kneading.  

*I love to dance around the kitchen listening to the gypsy kings, abrihim ferrer or french cafe music...really anything upbeat and ethnic that will bring out my inner belly dancer.

*I'm a lemonade maker...if ya know what I mean

*right now I have a cold:(  I am wearing my jammies... desert pants and a gray long sleeved shirt, my padraig slippers on my feet even though it's august.  my padraig slippers are medicine to me.  I love their bright blue/turquoise/purple blended yarn, sheepskin lining and leather souls.  they make me feel soulful even when I'm feeling icky

*said cold caused much brain fog this am that caused me a)sleep in and b) to completely forget that today was Edens first day of swimming lessons...oops

*I sing all the time.  I dream that one day I will record a song in our studio and surprise you all...one day

*I spin fire....well, I used to anyway.  one of these days I will light up again...fire dancing is good for the soul!

*I love the bumper sticker that says "kill your TV".  it makes me smile and sing out a hearty gospel style AMEN!   I think TV is a soul killer/spirit squelcher ...and while I do find the term "kill" a wee bit on the violent side I think that in this case it works

*I would love to post pic's again BUT I have still not set up my computer so...

*I am so excited to be establishing myself as a Birthing from Within Doula and can't wait to get to know that birthing community here.  being a support for women in birth is something that I love more then word can express

*I am going to spend the day in the afore mention jammies, being thankful for spirulina and fresh fruit, playing with my kids and laying on the couch reading The Fifth Sacred Thing.  

blessed day to you all! 



oh that I could look so elegant in my ill, couch slumber, lol   

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Don't know if you noticed but...

I am revamping in a big way.  Not just the way that this blog looks but also the direction in which I wish to go from here. 

There are so many things in my life that I want to share, so many parts of myslef that I am in the process of rediscovering.

so stay tuned 'cause this mama is feeling very inspired!

Monday, July 12, 2010

being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!

12.and.a.half.years. 

I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?

   

"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"
painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The View from Way up Here...

from where I sit now thing look different.
its not just the elevation....the elation of finally being home. 
its somewhere between the rockie mountain peaks and the cool depths of the lake. 
between the clouds that are as often below as above here.
 
its been a long climb and I am tired.  
but its the kind of tired that fills you with joy as you looks around and behold the wonder that you would have missed if you had stayed way down there. 
 
joy.

i'd exhale but the air tastes so good I want to keep it in.
maybe that's why I have been disconnected from the clickety click of this keyboard?
to busy infusing myself with every molecule of this fresh mountain air.
oxygen, clean like my lungs have never known


it is time to re group
time to settle in
to unpack
find our new rhythm
play
make friends
splash in the very cold lake feed by the snow capped mountains and slowly melting glaciers

I make us extra large mason jars full of home made ice tea early in the morning.
the family favorite so far is black currant hibiscus sweetened with blue agave nectar..sipped directly from the jar in the hot summer sun

we make the trek down the very steep mountain side to the town core
inhale the aromas of lake/pine/coffee/nag champa/hot pavement/wet pavement/garlic/korma....
city and mountain collide and the i am intoxicated by it

my beautiful children marvel at the architecture, 
the many colorful people
the many languages the dance on the breeze...we want to learn them all
they are giddy about all of the home schooled kids
they have made best buds and kindred spirits
they feel more at home then they have EVER and for that I am abundantly grateful
they (meaning Noah for the most part) are throwing tantrums and yelling at each other
they are finding their groove
I am loosing my patience and then, by the grace of the goddess, finding it again

our home is in town
it has been years since we lived IN town
laundry lines
bicycling to the store
neighbourhood parties
the smell of coffee being roasted in the cafes early in the morning wafting up the hillside

it is different and I like it 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ch-Ch-CH-Ch-Changes



I am blissful on multiple levels.  

I feel happy and content

And the excitement?  Don't even get me started or I swear I might just blast off into orbit!  Cheesy I know but its SO true.

You see, as soon as we arrived, literally the moment we pulled into our new town something shifted.  It might be fair to say that it began shifting as soon as we made the choice to come here, but I could actually FEEL it happening when we arrived.  

It was like the planets came into alignment.  Some huge cosmic shift occurred that created this perfect moment.  The moment that whispered into my soul and said "guess what.....you babies will be home soon!"

I've mentioned many times that there have been a few contributing factors to the fact that we have yet to begin our adoption in actual reality.  Paper work I mean.  

One of those factors was the fact that we have felt unsettled.  We knew that there was a move on the horizon we just didn't know when , or how (or that there were actually 2 moves!)  

To me settling is the beginning of a domino effect.  The one thing that needed to happen before all of the other pieces could fall into place.  Well, let me tell you, they are falling now!  
I want to sing it from the mountain top.  Harmonize with my echo so that the world can know just how deeply beautiful a thing this is for me.  I'm spouting happy tears all the time, watering this garden in the spring time of change.

We found a home.  Oddly we decided to rent. I was not expecting this, thought that buying would make me feel more settled but, apparently not.  A big part of this is realizing that if we buy we will jump back into a huge renovation project (this is the land of 100 year old houses that need a lot of work) which will suck up all our funds for the next hundred years...dangling our adoption even more out of reach.  I think that Adam is beginning to fully understand that I can't handle waiting that much longer...I think I might loose my marbles if another year goes by before we begin the paper chase.  He even suggested today that we hold a fundraiser garage sale once we move in!  A fundraiser...as in, for our adoption!!!  And he agreed that we can start our home study so that its done when we're ready!!  seriously!!!!!!!!!!  If only the computer had something other then an exclamation mark...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, lol

This very happy mama is feeling abundantly grateful.

Monday, May 10, 2010

~a random update~

  

My last post was kind of cryptic....it needs to be that way but I do hope that one day I can fill you all in on the details.  For now I'm moving on, so as not to go all twitchy here in our motel room;)

I can barely believe how beautiful this place is!  Mountains...so green, so many trees.  This place is lush...ferns and moss.  After living in a semi-arid desert I feel like my soul has been irrigated after being parched!  And rain, actual rain!  I am one of those gals who loves the rain, who wants to stroll, cozy hat on, hands wrapped around a mug of steaming tea, in the rain.  The smell, the way you can almost hear the earth singing its thanks to the sky.  Love it!

We have been hunting for houses...looking online, looking on MLS, being shown house after house by our realtor.  House here are pricey, which is a bit hard to swallow considering what we sold our last, amazing  place for.  (the same amount would buy a shabby apartment here, ugh!)  But this place is so amazing that its worth the house prices!

I discovered a wee shop the other day, recommended by an amazing women that I recently met.  It is a natural toy and supply store specializing in Waldorf stuff.  It is heaven to me!  seriously!  I have been putting together orders through Mercurius and different doll making companies for the last decade.  Having things shipped, hoping the colours are right.  This store is like a well stocked version of my craft space.  And I can just walk down the street and land in the middle of this magical place!  Roving in every colour you could imagine, wool and silk...fabric for doll making (including a darker, more chocolaty brown for my African babes!), they have amazing toys and tones of crafting/ schooling supplies.  They hold workshops on felting and doll making.  I plan to inquire as to weather they would be interested in carrying my dolls.  They have a few in there but the ones I make are a bit different.  It would be so cool to sell some locally!

Today we get back into our home learning groove.  We need something "normal" in our lives right now and have so much time to fill.  I'm so glad to be finishing up our books for the year!  Things have been so crazy around our place and we've been on a 6 week break.  So back to the crunch (lol, this is a funny thought if you knew what we actually do, lol.)  The kids are excited to be getting to work on our Story of the World....they are loving history!

please keep sending us your positive home finding thoughts!!  seems we could use all the help we can get! 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

~ the unexpected~


I met him and fell in love.  
It was unexpected.  
I knew I would find him sweet... all babies are sweet, and I am , after all, a baby whisperer...I knew that I would give him cuddles, oh and ah over the cuteness that is his tiny little fists.  
But this?  This I did not expect.

He is tiny, on the planet only 8 short weeks.  He is perfect.  I dream about him all the time...awake or asleep.  
I want to be his mama so bad that it physically hurts.  
It has been 5 weeks since I left....5 weeks.
I want to be his mama.
I did not expect this.

He is creamy white, not chocolate brown.... although his eyes, his eyes will be brown...like mine.

I wonder at that.  I know that still, while we are in this mode of settling, of buying our home, that Ethiopia is still a ways away.  I can wait.  I am patient.  

But in the time between now and then I have room...my heart has many spaces waiting to be filled....but one? one of those spaces ha been filled by him.  by his perfection.  by his essence that enraptures me in a way so familiar....like he was always my son even before he was conceived by another mother.

I don't even know if its possible.  I want the very best in the world for him.  That he will be loved and nurtured.  That he will always know, never ever doubt that he is loved.

He live many miles away.

I love him.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

~ oh the adventure ~


I am sitting in a motel...a suit that we have booked for a month while we get the whole house thing figured out.
  
We had planned to camp.  We ventured off into the lush, green provincial park, set up our super amazing 4 season 8 person tent, tarpped out a "kitchen" and set up house. 

Night 1: kids cozy and warm, Adam and I? frozen, sore and sleep deprived.  

Night 2: kids cozy and warm, Adam and I cozy and warm, torrential 24 hour downpour turning our tent into something not entirely unlike sleeping inside a snare drum in a marching band....actually, louder and far more committed then  that.  (did i mention I'm claustrophobic...not fun, not fun at all)  

Needless to say when we woke up, Adam already off to work, I declared that camping was officially over and off we went to our cozy, favorite motel.

I am LOVING this motel!!  Simple pleasures like hot water and walls...who knew motel living could be so grand??

On a serious note we are on the hunt for our new home.  I am doing my darnedest to wrap myself in the faith that made this all possible in the first place.  I am re acquainting myself with trust...feeling it more and more as I recover from 2 days of the worst camping trip EVER!!  But I made it this far with sanity intact.  Through weeks of husband less packing.  Through the crazy adventure that scrubbing our 3600 sq ft house turned out to be....thanks to some amazing friends who came to help out!  I couldn't have done it without you guys!

I am sitting here now, sipping my Egyptian Licorice tea watching my children engrossed in a game....its amazing what a basket of animals/magical creature can inspire.  Their sweet jammied bodies sprawled out on the carpet for the third hour in a row.  Yay for creative children!!

And me?  Today I book appointments with our realtor, I crunch numbers to see if an amazing place is in our reach, I relax....and apparently I blog.

oh, and I dream of babies.....apparently this is becoming an every night phenomenon.  

Friday, April 30, 2010

~dream a little dream of you~


I dreamt that we got "the call" the other night.  

our worker said "I have your referral for you" 

my breathe caught, all I could manage was a pathetic "yes?"  

"well," she said. "they are 9 year old twin girls!"





Friday, April 16, 2010

~because everyone needs a *pout* post~


Today I pack the kitchen. Actually we pack the kitchen...thankfully my kids are all over the packing thing. This is a VERY good thing because right now I feel like there is so much "work" happening and so much burnt out mama (with daddy already in our new town) that there are few moments when they can really get into something...be engaged in the moment rather then doing chores or being sent outside so that they don't destroy the house....which they do of course, even though the house is nearly empty. how? ((sigh)) We did go to town the other day (Thanks Heidi!) and get a bunch of art supplies, so we have been art-ing it up....getting out all our stuff...yay water colours!

I am thanking Heidi because she is amazing. You see, our Rav4 broke down...blow engine and all, and so I have been here with no vehicle, my suburban in Mountain Home with hubby, for 2 weeks. (we live 20 minutes from town...) Heidi and her fab hubby lent me their van this week. I LOVE that van. I LOVE Heidi and her man for coming to my rescue...being my full on knight in shinning blue armour. I can't even express it...really...speachless.

Did I mention moving is really challenging?? I'm sure you all know that but I thought I would re-iterate. MOVING.SUCKS.
bleck.

Even this move...to the place we've always wanted to live. To a place where we can settle and hunker down and just be for the next 50 years or so. even still moving is hard.

Around here it seems that the kids are taking turns having melt downs. Eden sobbing..although she can't seem to name why. Willow sobbing because she wants her care bear, which happens to be already in the storage unit in Mountain Home. Alden getting all bent out of shape because he can't swim yet....in the lake I mean, because, apparently in his mind its warm enough. And then there's Noah, who is sweet as a peach...except when he's yelling or sobbing for any and all reason...thrown off because daddy's not her (for the first time ever) and because our house is nearly empty. you should have seen those big rolling tears when we packed up his bed. So sad. even though he doesn't sleep in said bed, even though he rarely ever even plays on said bed. Big tears. ((sigh)) And me?? well, all it took was my husbands voice to set the tears free yesterday.

"I hate this" I say
he's smiling, I can hear it through the phone.

"Yes," he says. "buts its so beautiful here Jenn. I walk down the street and everyone is smiling at each other...beautiful!"

"buts this is so hard" I choke *sniff*

"I'll be home tomorrow. And in 1 week we'll be here. you'll love it Jenn, it gets better everyday!"

*sobb*

"I know"

*sobb*


a part of me is feeling like this is really unfair! wants to pout like a spoiled three year old. He's there, staying in a nice hostel, working, eating meals I cooked for him last week, skyping us and then watching movies, walking around the super cool town seeing all the super cool stuff thats happening. Working at a job he loves with people he really likes. (alone, which sucks. alone sucks too...must remember that)

I'm here, packing the house. taking care of the kiddos, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, packing, cleaning, trying to be a parent who still remembers how to parent (aka speaking not yelling).

yes...this is my pout post. my bottom lip out, forehead creased in displeasure post. If there was a "stomp foot" button I would use it. over and over.

I am REALLY looking forward to being "home". Did I mention we still haven't found a house?? And yet we are moving 'cause we're crazy like that and apparently moving 4 hours away while home schooling 4 kids isn't adventurous enough for us! *twitch* *twitch*

but hey, it sunny. thank you universe for the sunshine!!! I think I might be a big puddle of mush if it were cloudy too.




I'm needing some of ^this^ right now!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

~because he is so cute!~






This little man is on his way to his new home.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

100th post! also know as "Update on the Whirling"

I've thought about my 100th blog post a fair bit over the last few months. I guessed that it would come during my time Unravelling and I would be all super creatively inspired and have a whole shwack of photos to pretty it up with.

However, seeing as the level of holy-smokes.intense has been pretty high around here, I have decided to save that particular post for my 200th (oh dear...that has the tone of commitment...) not to mention the fact that I am 3 weeks into Unraveling and have yet to actually unravel...or maybe its just been a different kind of unravelling??...hmmm....



anyway....



the update, which I know is why ya'll are here:



we are moving. its official.



hubby's work situation here was a bust and...blessed be...we have connected with new employment in a place we have both always wanted to live.

coincidence?
yes.
serendipity?
yes.
kind of overwhelming?
not so much now, but last week? YES!!!



This week I am settling into the notion.

I am actually believing that it will happen.

I am trusting and faithful as the doors and windows seemingly fly open.



This is spring.

this is freshness.

new beginnings and the whole shebang.

heck, there is even romance! (did I mention that Adam and I both felt called there before we met!?!)

In that beautiful creative little town high in the mountains there is music...there is culture...there are loads of trees and tones of folks hugging them! (this is me admitting my inner hippie..yes, its true!) But best of all? a fabulous combination of forest...hiking/mountian biking/kayaking/wild romping/skiing AND access to services that our growing family is needing : aquatic center/dance classes/music/choir/green community initiatives/hospital/good food/skookum home school/ high school program! (because we are swiftly approaching this age)

There is a promise of settling in the air. A glimpse of something that dances away from limbo and into some good earthy, connected tribal groove. I am so ready for this. so ready to settle!



It feels like going home.

you know what? I think this time I will actually unpack!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

~whirling...yup, my head is whirling~

...things are moving and shifting, picking up pace in such a way that has me nearly breathless. Remember how I just mentioned the need for patience...and faith. well........


Those of you that have been visiting me here for a while know that we have been living in a state of limbo. A BIG HUGE massive shwack of limbo, in between, laying in wait...what ever you want to call it the basic translation is: we have had no idea what lay ahead of us.

no clue.

zip.zero.ziltch


I've mention my "Monet vision" of the future....feelings, colors, rough outlines. But details? nope. details have been out of my reach.


until this week.


this week has brought with it a sense of almost unnerving clarity.


For those of you just joining me here I'll give you the brief low down.

We sold our house and moved to this little hamlet of loveliness in September...rented a sweet not-so-little place on the lake, knowing it was temporary and gave "moving back" a whirl. (being here is hard for me..much baggage and "stuff" to work through)

My Dad, who has advanced lung cancer, moved in with us in November. The longer he is with us the more we see that really, this is why we came here. So that he could settle with us while receiving his treatment at a near by major hospital.

All of this time we are trying to decide...do we stay here?? do we look elsewhere?? what does our family need?

All of the while my heart, yearning to be settled, understands that I must be patient and that once we are settled the time to adopt will near and my arms will be full of sweet, chocolate babes...completeness.


This week?


Something shifted at my hubbies work place. The proverbial "straw"...

The reason we choose this village in the first place was work. Adam could return to his previous employer...increased wage/respected position...yadayadayada. job security near good friends.


HA!


not so much. (because we must learn that what we think we have we often don't...maybe this is how we learn to value what we do??)


My dear hubby has become increasingly worried about the situation. But when he showed up one afternoon because there was no work the alarm bells began to clang. loudly. and over the next 2 weeks the volume increased until we could not ignore it...the time had come. the shift. the propelling event that would move us out of limbo and on a very clear path.


more on that soon...for now, whilst everything is being sorted I will leave you with this image:




is it possible I might actually be able to unpack soon??? (no, I have not yet unpacked...yes I realize that we've been here 7 months☺) Please pray for sanity and clarity...and will need both in generous portions!!
note to self: remember to breathe!



Sunday, February 28, 2010

~testing, tesing...1 (Faith), 2 (Patience), 3 (Gratitude)~

Is it possible that Patience, after being sought after and struggled for...after spending countless hours being reached for, begged for...is it possible that it could become comfy? That Patience could become complacency? an excuse for in activity?


I wonder.


Patience is a virtue...yes!


but right now I wonder....



but then...really it is Patience coupled with Faith that will guide us to where we need to be. Faith is so key..so much more so then I think we realize. Complete and true Faith is propelling. It is a catalyst for action...although not always (or should I say, rarely) that action that we hope for.




I feel like I am being sooooo very tested.




Patience....maybe it is because I feel like I am a pretty patient person? maybe I need to be humble..to realize that actually, I'm not so patient after all.



Its just, I read things like this and this and think, why are we not there!?! what is it we need to do to get there? funny thing is I know...at least part of the answer. This would be where the whole lack of patience becomes so glaringly obvious. Where Trust and Faith really need to come into play.



I need to find Gratitude for this place...most days I am feeling very Grateful...today, even amidst my words of frustration there is Gratitude.




Gratitude that downstairs is my Dad, who's body is fighting lung cancer, who's heart is trying to wrap around losing his dog...the one companion that has been with him through his struggles over the last few years. That he is here and I am able to wrap him in the love that every one of us deserves. That I am gifted with moments of wisdom where my words are able to ease his heart and lighten his spirit. I am more Grateful for this gift then I could possibly express.




Gratitude that my husband, who has worked so very hard over the past 5 years, actually has time and equipment to record his music...to spend time with himself after so much self sacrifice.




Gratitude that I am surrounded by amazing women who are so supportive, inspiring, loving. That we have a community here that is strong..so nurturing.



Gratitude that my children are healthy,. That they are thriving and becoming, more and more everyday, people whom I not only love unconditionally but people who I admire and respect because of WHO they are.




Gratitude that the time has come where I can take some time away from my children to attend births and build my Birthing from Within Doula business.




I am in awe of the Grace that has been bestowed upon me during some of the darkest moment of my life. I am so grateful for the sun. for the rain.




so Grateful...needing to remember that.






Wednesday, February 24, 2010

~I miss you...but I haven't met you yet~

a melody for you all....I love Bjork. She's one of those artist that I've been listening to since I was 15 and still love.

Anyway..whilst sitting here, thinking of my longings and patience...thinking about the miles and moments that separate us from our future children, this song popped into my head.

So appropriate doncha think??

I had a heck of a time finding the original version...so we'll have to settle for a remix with some questionable rap...but you get the idea((sigh))





I MISS YOU by Bjork

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking

But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you

I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
By the time I stop waiting
I miss you

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

~Proud~

This makes me proud for all kinds of reasons. Every time I hear it tears come to my eyes and my arms are covered in goose bumps. I've mentioned Shane Koyczan before and am sure that many of you have seen him now. This piece was written by him and preformed at the 2010 Olympic opening ceremonies. It is so deeply moving and, while I am VERY anti-Olympics, I must say...I am proud to be Canadian and oh so very proud of Shane. Well done good sir. You deserve to be honoured in such a way♥

I searched for the Olympic version..complete with all the extravagance of the opening ceremonies, but all versions have been nabbed by the Olympic committee ((sigh)) But here he is, Shane Koyczan with his beautiful piece We Are More.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Our sweet Eden

This beautiful child.....
I can barley believe how big she is!! so tall...so graceful!

I just need to gush and beam at the marvel that is our Eden.

Tonight we went to dress rehearsal...preparing for this springs dance competitions. Getting used to their choreography on the big stage...bright lights.

Today I put makeup on her for the first time ever. She was so nervous...afraid that her eyes would somehow be damaged.

I love that in all of her sweet innocence there has yet to be a draw to the pop culture of make up and hair...fashion and boys.

I love that she still loses herself in imaginative play for hours on end.
I love to watch her nuture her siblings...the beautiful card she made for our sick Willow yesterday.

I love that she creates beauty and art out of the seemingly mundane...pine neddle crowns and scrap paper dolls

I love that she and her pal (pictured below) spend their days building forts together and drawing detailed maps of imaginary lands.

I love that they are children, shifting and blossoming into womanhood with out a sense of urgency.

Gently...
I love that they sing all the time.




Saturday, February 13, 2010

~seeing (RED)~ (or the greatest treasure)

Today I ventured forth into the wide world, solo.
That's right. Solo.
As in, no kids, no hubby, no dog.
Just me.
Now in order to truly understand the scope of this you would have to know me fairly well....well enough to understand that I don't generally EVER go out alone. I am family loving mama who, for the most part, just wants to be with my crew. I lived the first 20 years-ish of my life running solo and have got to say that since having my children, lovin my hubby life has NEVER been so good. That said I do realize that it important to fuel this mama machine that I am. Feed it that life giving, soul connection of self...in however small a serving.

Today's serving...a lovely day in K-town...big city 1 hour north...with my dear pal Tricia. Tricia also being mama to 4 bits of magic...both of us in need of some thrift shopping therapy.

One of the things I love most about thrift shopping is the treasure hunt. Digging through racks of weird and wonderful in search of that perfect item that screams "pick me!!" and I eagerly answer "YES!".

I passionately love thriftin' it up. To me new clothing is simply unnecessary (unless of course you scour the racks of numerous thrift shops and STILL cannot find a pair of pants...which happens....or you find some great piece on etsy☺) ANYWay...back to my train of thought. so, yes...I am a hard core thrift shopper...it is always my first choice and to me each find is bliss encarnate...really. I'm that silly:)

SO off T and I go, happily chatting as I drive down the highway on this rare sunny day (after weeks of cloud cover...ugh!) we pull into the parking lot of VV and practically skip to the door (she's hardcore like that, too) We shop side by side for a while and then split off down our various aisles to see what might be seen. This moment was sooooooooooo peaceful to me. No kids asking me to buy them a million plastic toys (which we are, apparently lacking...what about all are super cool wood stuff guys?) Eventually they get lost in the book section, supervised by hubby and I..tag teaming for a venture into the shop. And then there's hubby...my darling Adam, who, as much as he won't pay more the maybe $8 for pants, is ready to go before I've even made it through 1 section. ((sigh)) so this rare gem of an opportunity was something to be treasured indeed.

I love where my mind goes during these times. When I can actually finish a though and follow it through to the next (novel, I know!) And can you guess where my thoughts lead? every.single.one. of them?

Ethiopia. Adoption. AIDS. Our children. Their children. Mama's. not enough mama's...

I think to myself...the way things have been flowing lately I wonder if some odd, goose pimply magical thing will happen today. One of those things that affirms that you are on the right path. Maybe I'll find one of those cool Hearts for Ethiopia Shirts?? hahaha...that WOULD be magic.

but I know magic...I know that it happens to us when we need it. I know that it brings us to a place where we can learn and grow in the direction we need. I know that it brings a sense of reverence. of wonder. of grace.

oh, yes. I've met magic before.

so on I shop. loading my cart with shelves for my sewing center, clothes for Adam, clothes for me....I'm perusing the t shirt section when what do you suppose I find?? seriously....can you guess?????








this: an olive colored t with the word TREASU(RED) . you all know what that means right? that means that I had to use every single ounce of self control I have not to burst into heaving sobs right there in the middle of Value Village. I stood there, laughed out loud....looked around to see if anyone had spotted my insanity (nope) and took many deep, slow breaths trying to get my shit together. (yes I said shit...but really...you should have seen me!!) I find T and spill the beans..actually tear up as I tell her...in the books section by the change rooms...I exclaim that magic has found me once again and I am shaking like a leaf because ...well.....shizza...maybe you have to be adopting to understand...maybe you have to be sooo in love with a place and its people that you can barely breath sometimes...or maybe you can just feel this as I exude how much this simple little moment...this worn t-shirt in a thrift shop, means to me.

little steps along the way...little affirmations.....little bits of Grace.

I wonder if a t-shirt of mine will ever be so treasu(red) ?

have a very, very red day tomorrow!!! soooooo much love!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thursday, February 11, 2010

It's official!! our Etsy Shop is OPEN!!!!!


holy kershmoly!

after nearly a year of holding the vision I have finally gotten everything aligned! Our Etsy shop is OPEN!!!

The shop will showcase handmade dolls, toys and other bits of magic...it all depends on whats inspiring me. All the proceeds from our shop will be gong towards our adoption. I will be making an effort to have many multicultural/adoption/Ethiopian related items for sale! Check it out and spread the word!!



and here she is...Bella, my first handmade doll for sale!



Sunday, February 7, 2010

so, I won something....

i am shocked


scratch that....


I'm amazed


you know when you need something?

when you're working towards something... you're visualizing it....

visualizing it like an impressionist painting...

Monet's sunsets, vague, full of color, alluding to something....details obscured

that's where I'm at. I have a clear "Monet" vision of the future. The feelings are so vivid, the energy clear...details, not so much.

So yesterday I was over at SouleMama. I love to frequent her blog. I find it inspiring to read of someone who lives, to some degree, similarly to me. I love her photo's...the color and light. Anyway, she had a sponsor giveaway happening so down I scroll to read about it.


My stomach twists, i felt compelled both to comment AND turn off the computer and run away. I decide to comment, thus entering myself in the draw, which was shockingly challenging for me. I thought to myself..."I never win these things anyway" followed quickly by "just watch, I'll win this because I'm so darned afraid of it....because I actually need it...because I would never just go do something like this for myself (not with a coin jar to fill)."


I won!

I will be taking part in Susannah Conway's e-course Unravelling!?!!

light spills forth and details become slightly more clear...

I am grateful...did I mention scared?...pretty freaked?? that to.

(you might need to read Susannahs "about me" to understand the fear part....)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

because I am touched deeply and inspired.....

all you mama's out there need to read this.

~Wordless Wednesday~(almost)


A glimpse.....

This sweet girl will be for sale in my Etsy Shop, Serendipity's Garden, as soon as I finish making her clothes. (grand opening to be announced♥) Stay tuned for more fabulous additions in the coming weeks! (our Etsy Shop is a fundraiser for our adoption....I'll post more on that when she's done☻)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

um, so much for that idea☺


Considering that we are only part way through January, I think it is safe to assume that my goal of 365 pic's for 2010 is...well....not as much of a priority as I thought.

Don't get me wrong, photography is something I LOVE and look forward to doing more as I learn more about this new camera BUT.....well, busy-ness abounds in ways that fill me so...inspired and all that great stuff. I'm bursting at the seams with creative love...unfortunately not with camera in hand.

Last week I was sooo blessed to attend the birth of a very dear friend of mine. It was a stunningly beautiful experience. Transformational. Propelling. I realized how ready I am to be doing this. How destined I am to be doing this.

I have been studying, working towards my goal of spiritual midwife for well over a decade, and this was the first opportunity I have had where I was able to attend a birth other then my own! Our children are all of an age where I feel comfortable leaving them for the night. Noah, while he still nurses, can easily go a day without it. Everything lined up so perfectly. Even the 2 attending midwives, one a dear friend from high school, the other her partner. Working with them was amazing!

When they asked if I would be doing more Doula work I replied that no, at this time my life is so full with tending to my family and my Dad I just don't have the time.

Then I went home. I basked in the glow of that birth experience. I spent time with my dear friend and her family before they returned home. (they traveled 4 hours to have a home birth with midwives) I spent so much time thinking and through all of that I realized that I am more ready for this then I thought! Birth and motherhood are my deepest callings and fulfilling that feeds a part of me the way that nothing else can.

And so I embark on this journey. The Spiritual Doula embracing this connection.

Another friend asked me, only days later, if I could attend her birth as well. Her due time is early/mid February. She is a strong, beautiful women and I look forward to supporting her and her partner in what ever way they need.



The image tattooed on my back comes from the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. That book was a catalyst for me....propelling me down a path that has been more stunning then I ever would have imagined.

Such wonderful moments make Gestating Elephant Style a whole lot easier!

Monday, January 11, 2010

~the coin jar ~

having had all sorts of activity filling my moments this weekend (you're shocked, I know) I do admit I have fallen behind in my photo-a-day plan. but in the spirit of understanding I leap ahead to pic 11 (I'll post a few to compensate)

laying in bed the other night, sleep drawing near but not quite there, I had a brain wave...and epiphany so to speak. as per usual our adoption was dominating my head space....babies, travel, adjustment, taking the kids to ballet ...all 6 of them! what kind of jogging stroller I dream of getting :assuming that our kids will either be infant twins or sibling: one being an infant the other around the 3 yr.old mark and I will be needing a new one. I dream about snuggling our new children. connecting with them. inhaling the scent that is uniquely there own. caressing their chocolate skin and whispering I loves yous........

my thoughts wind their way in and out, around and around, finding their way back to traveling. my stomach gets a bit twisty because, honestly, the thought of leaving my kids for 2 weeks ...at any age, is enough to make me sick!! How, I wonder, can we do this?? It is so important to Adam and I that we both travel, so one of us staying home isn't an option. The reality is we need to go together, as a family.

Its the way we do things. we shop together, we play together, we eat all our meals together. when we have a baby we labor together, we birth together, we bond together. why would this be any different?!! This adoption is something the WE are doing, not something that Adam and I are doing. Our next children are, in every way, already a part of this family! (okay, not legally, and they might not even be born yet, but you know what I mean!)

so it's settled, in my mind anyway... at midnight while the rest of the house sleeps. I have decided that We are ALL going to Ethiopia! (little happy dance in bed...I can hear the trumpets sound, lol)

did I mention that we have 4 kids already??...that we will be coming home as a family of 8?? flights to and from Ethiopia are expensive and, with the cost of the adoption and us being far from wealthy, there is no way we can just make those kinds of funds appear. hmmmmmmmmmm,

and that's when it hit me...the epiphany.

the coin jar!!


change is magic!! (go as deep as you want with that one!)


tossed into a jar daily, change can add up in shocking numbers in a short amount of time. with our adoption being a ways away we could acquire the money for our kids flights!! its totally possible....and painless!!

and so begins the era of the change jar...the kids are soooooo excited! The have each contributed to the jar (fists full of change nabbed from their piggy banks and placed, one coin at a time into the sacred "giant piggy bank" as Noah calls it) its become a fun game to search for lost change and toss it in. ( the "jar" is actually a 5 gallon water jug...we have lots of $$ to raise☺)
I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty darned pro-active!

the jug cover...so pretty!!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Fricken Fantastic Friday (or pic # 8)



As I said, yesterday was a challenge. Actually, it was the peak moment of a building struggle that has been reappearing over the last few weeks. (after a few months of semi-dormancy) When my hubby got home from work I was about ready to burst.


I don't know why but when he asked me how I was I said. "my womb is empty" He looks at me kind of oddly and then smiles. Heads upstairs to have a shower. I follow, needing more conversation...needing to spill.


I say "how about a vasectomy reversal?" his head pops out of the shower, he laughs. Why I said that I don't know...maybe I just needed to express my deep need for our children...the womb being a metaphor for the big gaping space (shaped like 2 little sweeties) in my heart that can only be filled by them.


him:"um, I thought we had a whole other plan?"


me: "what exactly do you mean?" wondering if he was going to talk about recording music or buying our next house, or when we move again...


him: "I thought we were adding to our family through another route where we will grow in a whole new way."


I start to sob....heaving, tears splattering, nose dripping. why? because he's with me on this!! because we are on the same track. because, even though we haven't talked about adopting all that much over the last few months, we have not lost sight of what we want. because he is my deepest love and when I need him he is there for me in ways I don't even know I need...until he says those words, looks at me that way, and fills me up where I didn't even know I was empty.


he pokes his head out of the shower again: "this is good!"


me, still blubbering: "what?!?"


him: "this shows that your coming back to yourself!"


and after months of being ill, he's right!! I am!


affirmation has an amazingly powerful effect....today I am basking in it. in the glow of this big, big love♥

Thursday, January 7, 2010

pic number 7 (or the location of the rest of my heart)


Did I take this pic?
no.

am I veering slightly from my pic plan?
yes.
I realize I have a need to post not just my pic's but pic's that represent where I'm at. If I could take a pic of my heart right now...well, maybe you wouldn't be sticking around to read the rest of my post.

today it is hard to be so far away from them...our babies. our children. To be so far away from the time when we can say "we are actually doing this!!"

tears....throat full of my heart.
not feeling so patient today....nope, not at all.
maybe I should sew. maybe that will help.
(the pic was nabbed from here )

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Of Beads, Yarn and Ink (or snapshot 6)

I wear a strand of bead most of the time these days. When I look at them I feel hope. I find joy, inspiration, light. I feel connected.

http://www.beadforlife.org/indexb.html

And the yarn...the bright red, deeply felted band of yarn on my left wrist? 6 other women share in this bond...our support and connection to a dear friend who is about to give birth to her second child. A wonderful tradition that was part of her Blessingway ceremony, connecting us to each other and reminding us to keep ever mindful of her as she travels along this path of motherhood. We will share them until her sweet baby is born.

and my ring? my one and only ring...a permanent reminder of the life long, soul mate, deep as the sea, big as the universe bond that I share with my husband. my gaze fall upon his hand to find it there as well. forever.


no better jewels could I wear.




Tuesday, January 5, 2010

~pic numero 5~


Edens dragon...'cause I'm crafty like that:)

Monday, January 4, 2010

~our life in pictures~


As I lay in bed last night I realized something. I have gotten out of the habit of taking pictures. There was a time when I aspired to be a photographer. A time when I had in my possession a smoking 35 mm camera and some snazzy lenses. A time when I created art out of the seemingly mundane.

Years past, the camera was repossessed by its original owner. We took shots with a semi-crappy 35 mm (still some amazing shots) until along came the Kodak easy share.


Now we, being the frugal folks that we are, waited until 2007 to jump on the digital camera train. And, while the picture quality left a LOT to be desired, we were pleased by the convenience of deleting unwanted pictures and the lack of $$ it cost to simply download them by the hundreds. (again, we are a touch on the frugal side)


But life being what it has been, the last few years....the last few months more correctly, have been rather neglected by my photo snapping self.


Recently my Dad lent my his super skookum Canon Rebel XTi, complete with a variety of lenses.
Have I even attempted to figure out how to use it?
No.

Do I really, really want to?
YES!

And so I begin a challenge that I have seen on a variety of fellow bloggers pages. The 365 day challenge. 1 photo a day for 1 year. (well, as close to that as possible...I'm still on the "be gentle with yourself" bent...taking it easy)


Granted that we are already a few days into January....(I don't actually know the date...just a sec).........
4 days to be exact.


So I will begin with an offering of 4 recently taken photos (taken on the Kodak easy share z612) and the ambition to capture as many images as possible over the next while. (on the snazzy Canon Rebel XTi) Luckily I have some wonderful subjects!

Alden and his new doll (made by mama) Akimbo


Willow and Noah




Noah, rocking the kit

Eden, gingerbread sculptor

anyone else into have a challenge on the go??