Thursday, September 2, 2010


I guess I'll sit and write then.

I've sat down at my sewing table.  
stared blankly at half finished projects. 
thought about the dolls I should make for the store that is now carrying them.  
stared at the piles of colorful wool roving.
thought about her. 
thought about the color green.  
her favorite.  
thought about the beaded bracelet...
green and powerful, made by mama's who are changing their lives through beads...
she was away then.  
missed the bead party.  
she was in the hospital having a bone marrow transplant. 
I saw it.  
thought of her.  
thought of the way her amazing smile could light up a room. 
as if she herself were life manifest.  
green and growing.  
when she returned, tired but smiling...finding strength that put me in awe, I gave it to her.  
I didn't know her favorite color was green..
just new that those beads needed to be hers.  
wanted her to remember her powerful life force.  
wanted to empower her.  
wanted to tell her that I loved her.  
that I thought she was one of the most amazing people I ever met.  
wanted to do more, 
to somehow ease her burdens, 
to somehow take away her pain.

I gave her a bracelet.
lost my words.  
told her it reminded me of her.
that's all I said.
maybe I said more...I just remember wishing I had said more

I hoped she heard everything else through my breath.
the things I didn't say.

tomorrow I will travel to her. 
I will say everything that I did not say.
I will wrap her in the warmth of my love and respect.
of my admiration.
I will weep with this overflowing emotion.

I am trying to comprehend this thing that comes into peoples bodies and calls them to another place.
I'm trying not to be angry that it is draining her.  
but I am.

I know she doesn't want to leave him.
her son.
she is holding on for him.
putting on her brave mama face.
her beautiful face that looks at him with longing.
I've never seen that kind of longing in a mamas eyes before.
its almost more then I can bare.

she is his everything.

oh that I could ease her pain.

sweet, sweet mama.


Kimberly said...

I'm weeping again...over this woman I do not know. I feel as if I can see her longing eyes through your words and it hurts. It is sweet and all shades of sad all at once.

She is lucky to have you. To be embraced in that kind of love.

kristine said...

I am so very sorry. I lost one of my best friends to cancer when she was only 35.

I wish I had some wise words or something. I do not. I wish there was something I could do. Your words are beautiful. However, she needs you more than words. You don't have to say anything. She'll feel it all. Every word you say will be the right one.

daniela said...

sending you much much light and a big energy hug. sending her prayers of peace & her son, prayers of comfort & protection.

Jill Ward said...

love. you.