Thursday, November 20, 2008

~Gestating Elephant Style~

So, is it at all normal to feel such intense swells of emotion? My heart in my throat, my eyes welling up with tears. I realize that in my last post, written just this morning, I talked about patience and faith and believing. And its not that I don't truly feel/know those to be's just I'm not sure I can handle waiting to bring home our sweet babes from so far, far away.

Here I am, 9:34 at night, kids in bed, hubby in bed, cup of Tension tamer tea in hand reading adoption blog after adoption blog. Every 2 minutes I feel the tears well up again and I think...sheesh!! this is soooooo much like early pregnancy. Or when your pregnant and don't know it yet. I can almost see the rush of hormones any time I even think of our babies. And when I read about these families who are waiting for referrals or waiting for their court dates or waiting to travel I think "it all takes so can we wait to begin??!!" Or at least how can I wait to begin. It is all so much easier for Dad-e-o. He is not pulled by his heart strings the same way I am. He doesn't gestate in the same all encompassing way that I do. There is so much else going on in our lives with moving/children/work/music that it is easier for him to hold on to the knowledge that we will start once we've settled into our new home and taken our kids on our cross Canada journey. ahhhhh, why can't I jump into his head and just chill in that mind frame for a while??!! Just kick back and live the whole "be here now" loveliness that Ram Dass was talking about.

Oh Ram Dass....where for art thou?? lolol, but seriously, I find myself ebbing and flowing with stormy tidal ferocity. Crashing into obsession and then pulling myself out into distraction. Obsession, distraction, obsession, distraction... really does make sense to wait. Our house is for sale. When it sells, hopefully in late winter/early spring we will move to our new, currently undetermined home. We will take 2 of my sisters kids for 2 weeks in April as she and her hubby travel to Israel. When they get home we will go on our greatly anticipated 1-2 month trip across Canada. When we return home we will settle into our house plant gardens, build a greenhouse, dig a root cellar, preserve loads of food for winter and help our children settle into our new rhythm. By then it will be early Autumn and this is when we can contact Imagine and begin putting together our dossier to send off to Ethiopia.

Makes sense, ci? Now if only I can help my heart to understand that it makes sense. Or at the very least that what is meant to be will be. Maybe I should go and read my previous post.

~The Future is Now~

We are sitting in limbo. That illusive place without definition where form and feature are blurred by the fog of uncertainty.

I usually don't like limbo. Generally speaking I LOATH it, but... I am learning a new kind of patience. The kind of patience that is birthed of necessity. The options: become more patient or end up in the "green bed". (losing my mind) I am not such a fan of feeling like I am on the verge of insanity and so, patience it is.

Our house has become a sanctuary. A place to relax...yes, relax. (we have time to do that now...well, kind of anyway) A space in which we can ponder the future. Wonder at the undefined possibilities. Re-evaluate our needs as a family and as individuals.

Its odd to be feeling so very contented about the whole thing. Faith has wrapped itself around my doubtful heart and warmed me from the inside out. Doubt melted away to reveal the core of me...the core that really, truly believes.

I believe that what is meant to be will be. I believe that we attract to ourselves exactly what we need. I believe that the future is a beautiful thing. I believe that faith is key.

I know I needed a break. My hubby needed a break. We needed to reacquaint ourselves with ourselves. And now, with this pause in our lives, we have been gifted the opportunity to do just that. To find our place on this path. To journey forward with sure steps. Affirmed that this truly is the direction we are meant to go without needing to know where we will end up.

The future is full of music and creation. Dance and friendships. Travel and adventure. Roots and branches. Of babies and children....our ever growing family. Home and Heart.

The Future is Now.