Friday, June 26, 2009

~of my Dad and cancer~

That's it.

My Dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 cm tumor in his right lung...possibly operable although they are doing test right now to see if its spread elsewhere.

my first thought. Damn cigarettes. you can't smoke for 50 years and not expect some negative side effect.

second thought. stupid man. stupid man for smoking for 50 years knowing full well that it was not a good thing to be doing to his body.

third thought. damn big business for being so damned concerned with big money that they don't give a sh*t about the fact that they're peddling death.

fourth thought. damn big money for owning all the pharmaceutical companies who make even more big money off of all the people who get sick and need crazy amounts of medical interventions.

damn you all!....grrrrrrrrr

fifth thought. damn me for trying to place blame when really what I need to do is spend my energy sending out big,. big love.

sh*t...sh*T...SH*T

isn't there a manual for "how to deal with an issue so multi layered that really, is there a beginning?"

well?

no?

I thought not. ((sigh)

(funny...this whole conversation happened in my head over the course of about 5 minutes...yeah, I'm well practiced at talking with myself)

My Dad and I have not always been close. We have had issues. Lots of issues. But somehow, over the past few years we have come to a place where there is forgiveness and acceptance. A place of firm boundaries and removed expectations. A place where healing and respect can flourish and honesty is welcomed. A place that is what it is....nothing more, nothing less.

In the past year my Dad and I have had some amazing conversations. Conversations on topics I never thought he would even be aware of, let alone have deep conversations about. During his winter illness (he has been really sick for almost a year) he became aware of the healing power of food. He started drinking a super-food juice combo that changed his life. My dad drinks coke and coffee, eats cheese and meat...and cheese..and meat.... he's drinking a super-food juice!!! Becoming more aware of the effects of all food on his body/life and striving to make a change there.

We've talked about alternative therapy's for cancer treatment. We've talked about foods and supplement's that have been shown to fight cancer and strengthen the body. He is optimistic (most of the time) and feels like he can really beat this. I believe he can.

I came to realize something the other day. I am so thankful for these last few years. To see such a change in him...like he woke up after a lifetime of sleep. There are people who "sleep" right up until the day death comes for them, never having known what it was like to open their eyes.

But him...his eyes are opening, slowly. And I wonder if his illness doesn't have something to do with that.

7 comments:

Kimberly said...

Oh honey, multi-layered indeed. And yet what a beautiful reflection of your beautiful soul that you can find something lovely and of worth mixed in with the grief and worry. To see a sleeping loved one at last awake. What a gift.

L.T. Elliot said...

There is nothing so terrifying and angering as seeing a loved one ill. My mother has M.S. and it is slowly killing her body. I've prayed and railed and pondered the reasons and while I may never know why she has this trial, I do know that she's been refined through the process. She is a strong-willed person and some of this illness has softened her in ways that are good for the soul. Would she ever have been open to that change without it? Possibly.
But change or no, it's heartbreaking, hard, maddening, and so tangled up that my brain wants to just pull an ostrich sometimes.
I'm very sorry that this happened to your father. I am praying for miracles in your life. Both of the self-induced kind and the heavenly sort.
God Bless.

nancy said...

1. so glad you are "back"
2. thanks for sharing the story of your father. blessings on him and you!

sunmamma said...

I am so sorry Jennifer!!!!! My dad has been through testicular cancer and then prostate cancer.. it just plain sucks!!! (((big hugs)))

courtney rose said...

Oh no. I am so, so sad to hear this news. If I knew how to put some of those sweet little hearts and musical notes on my comment like you do, I would put something together right now.

Sweet girl.

I'm glad the two of you were able to come together this past year. I would love to know how to set some of those firm boundaries in order to come closer together with my mom....

I am hugging you from afar.

Malia'sMama said...

Oh I am soooo sorry! BUT, positive attitude and proper food DOES go a long way. He'll be around to have even more good convos with, just believe- ALL of you :)

filoli said...

[sigh] yes, yes, yes....so sorry you have to deal with this...it reminds me a lot of my husband's father. after decades of smoking filterless ciggs, he is told "you have 2 weeks" and starts juicing - juicing...my thoughts are with you on this journey