Monday, November 2, 2009

My Arsenal of Weapons

Here I ebb. Here I pull back. I retreat into that space of home and hearth and family. A space of gentle days and low pressures. A space where I do my damnedest to reduce my stress as much as humanly possible.

Times are heavy., Hearts are heavy. This seems to be the tone in the lives of so many that I hold close. This odd time where the little lights that shine are oh-so brilliant, but the heaviness seems to be casting shadows long and dark.

I've done something that I tend to do. Leapt in with both feet. Loaded my plate high with the bounty of life, of this new land and all these wonderful people. Forgot that I am dealing with some of the biggest stresses of my life. Expected that I, the super human mama, could do it ALL. Do it all while tenderly cradling the hearts of all I know who are in pain. Forgot that I too have a heart that is in pain. That I need to cradle myself...to let go of the overflowing plate.

We are living in a new house, a house that we don't own. We are living in a town that we've been away from for 4 1/2 years in an area that holds much painful history for me. There are oh so many amazing aspects of being here. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard, or that there is a part of me that is mourning the loss of our old "life". I need to allow myself the time to settle...and that with 4 children it may take a LONG time!

and..
My dad is dying and it scares the shit out of me. I am realizing this. He is coming to live with us which also scares the shit out of me. (we have a separate suite in our house so it is perfect for him) I worry for him. I worry for me, for our children. For my husband. How do people do this?!

Most of the time I feel grateful for this time. To know that we have time to say goodbye. Time to cherish one another. But it is HARD! so hard to watch him suffer. So hard to let go of my "organized" nature and just BE with this without knowing how it will flow. So hard to let go of all of the things that I "do" with my time that I just can't do anymore....not now anyway.

I tend to get sick when I am burnt out. Anxiety creeps in and I sink into the depths of the overwhelmed. Fortunately I have come to understand that if I reduce my stresses (the ones that I am in control of anyway) it makes a world of difference. So I am setting out to navigate these frightful seas with my "arsenal of weapons"

I am setting aside expectations. I am clearing my calendar. I am coming if I can make it. I am sorry for the inconvenience but I know that I am surrounded by loved ones who understand.

I am snuggling in bed with my kids. I am having long phone chats with my Dad while he prepares for the move. I am cooking dinner with my husband and listening to him play his music with eyes closed and heart open. I am holding him, laughing with him, crying with him. I am crafting, sewing. I am wearing my pj's still. I am excepting the loving help of my friends. I am taking bubble baths with lots of kiddo's and lots of toys. I am looking into the faces of my children and being filled with awe at their beauty. I am running my fingers through their hair, kissing their foreheads, inhaling their glorious fragrances. I am taking deep breaths. Reminding myself to be gentle with my words, my energy.

I am going outside. Fresh air, head to the sky.

I am turning off the computer. I am watch "feel good" movies, romantic comedies, love stories, fantasy action adventure. I am listening to books on tape with arm loads of babes and blankets...thanks you CS Lewis! I am reading cook books and making grocery lists. I am drinking tea, drinking more water, taking my supplements, eating more apples. We are collecting beach glass...remembering that we have a beach and that we can be there everyday. I am remembering the WE.

I am opening up in sweet surrender....

8 comments:

Evelyn said...

This post is so beautiful and so hard! My father is dying, too, of ALS. He lives in Brazil, though, quite a different situation. You are in my thoughts. Keep seeing, loving and enjoying the beauty. This is inspiring.

Rebecca said...

sister love,
this is the medicine for your soul. you are finding your way. you are giving yourself permission to receive and give and be mindful. this will be an arduous journey. there is no escaping that. but i believe it is the best path that you can take given the paths that are before you. take strength in this time, let Vesta guide you. big and little moments ... in that you will find the beauty to carry you through.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am all teary eyed and wonderfilled. You are truly an amazing, lovely, gentle, wise, glorious, ALIVE woman. And I love you.
Chels

courtney rose said...

I am embracing you from afar. Such a beautiful, gentle, compassionate, tender spirit you have and are....

L.T. Elliot said...

I'm so sorry for all the heartache. This is filled with love, peace, understanding, and hurt. I wish for you peace. I wish for you grace.

Kimberly said...

Oh that big heart of yours. I know there is nothing I could do to ease the hurting but I still hate being so far away. And how I admire you that instead of curling up and retreating from the world and life that have brought you pain, you are instead opening yourself all the further. You amaze me. You inspire. And I love you to bits.

Terresa said...

My family and I are going through a similar thing right now with my grandma. She is old tired and nearing the end of the path we call life. It is hard to see her letting go and harder, I think in many ways, for us to allow her to go...

Sebrina Wilson said...

Sending you love and light!!!