I had a vision of how this would go. Thoughts of connections, dear friends, community...thoughts of being actively involved in all of these things. Dreams of filling in the blanks...were there blanks to fill in? dreams of some thing more....although I sit here and wonder, more then what?
My chest is tight and I am shaky...food seems to have become my enemy, my body taking up issues with the usuals on my plate.
I am tired, so very tired. When did walking up the stairs become a major physical activity?
I am smiling at my children, playing lego in the sunshine. They are patient, enjoying the slow paced days that have become more and more frequent.
This is not what I had in mind.
This? This is something I fear with every molecule of my being. This is a kind of sick that you can't send away with healthy doses of ginger, garlic and echinacea. This is deeper....this is my demon. I have no choice but to face it. To accept that my body and I are not always on the same page. To realize that I can not take my health for granted. That I can not assume that I will never be here again. I am here...again. To be tested? To be reminded? To find strength, reach deeper?
Tears keep welling up in my eyes.
I don't want this.
I've been well for so long that I really did believe that this was over.
But its not.
Here I am, in the same town. At the same time of year, 5 years later. Deep breath.
(links to previous post as to exactly where "here" is: here and here part 2 )