Wednesday, November 18, 2009

~Facing my Demon~

I had a vision of how this would go. Thoughts of connections, dear friends, community...thoughts of being actively involved in all of these things. Dreams of filling in the blanks...were there blanks to fill in? dreams of some thing more....although I sit here and wonder, more then what?

My chest is tight and I am shaky...food seems to have become my enemy, my body taking up issues with the usuals on my plate.

I am tired, so very tired. When did walking up the stairs become a major physical activity?

I am smiling at my children, playing lego in the sunshine. They are patient, enjoying the slow paced days that have become more and more frequent.

This is not what I had in mind.

This? This is something I fear with every molecule of my being. This is a kind of sick that you can't send away with healthy doses of ginger, garlic and echinacea. This is deeper....this is my demon. I have no choice but to face it. To accept that my body and I are not always on the same page. To realize that I can not take my health for granted. That I can not assume that I will never be here again. I am here...again. To be tested? To be reminded? To find strength, reach deeper?

Tears keep welling up in my eyes.

I don't want this.

I've been well for so long that I really did believe that this was over.

But its not.

Here I am, in the same town. At the same time of year, 5 years later. Deep breath.


(links to previous post as to exactly where "here" is: here and here part 2 )

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Really, really deep breath.

L.T. Elliot said...

I'm so sorry. I know how much you've hated this. I truly don't think you take advantage of your health. In fact, I always feel like you appreciate more than most people I know. I've always felt like you were wise, careful, and thankful. I'm so sorry for this hardship. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
*hugs*

Rebecca said...

sweet jenn-girl:

i am so sorry honey. i want you to feel well to be well. it's horrible when you have setbacks with your health. i know. please find strength in the lessons you have learned before. love your body and work with it to move towards health.
you are so strong. and your spirit is beautiful. i wish i could come to you with some magic elixir. but i know you will find your path. allow yourself to rest.
i am sending you healing energy and love.

Kimberly said...

Oh Jenn...I just want to weep for you, with you, after reading this. I know how deep this is for you...how much of who you are and are striving to be is rooted in this past experience that is cycling back into your present. I wish I could swoop in and chase it all away...you have been tested so much, learned so much. From my own place of still having so much to learn I can't imagine somehow that you could need this. You have always seemed to me the wisest of my friends and I wish you could be spared this. ~Hugs~

daniela said...

sorry to hear you are not feeling well sister. sending you healing light & lots of positive energy.

Malia'sMama said...

I just read your other 2 links... I am ashamed of what i have done to MY body and will do it better for myself and my daughter. I hope you will be well again, soon. BIG hug!

Malia'sMama said...

okay, now something to make you lauhg- do you know what my security word for this comment is?

booger

lmao!