Saturday, August 23, 2008

~the choices we make~

There are points in our lives when the choices that lie ahead seem to hold in their grasp the weight of the entire future. In all reality every choice we make, no matter how small, has the potential to cause the pendulum of our lives to shift to an entirely new rhythm. Why, then, do these large choices seem to lay so much more heavily on our hearts?

Here we the precipice of change. Why does it feel like that? Like the "wrong" choice could cause some kind of horrible chain reaction that would leave us shattered in some unthinkable way, falling into the abyss of the unknown.

I know that I am an adaptable women. That I have the ability to create my own reality, and thus find a way to fulfill my needs and the needs of my children regardless of our surroundings or circumstances. Somehow I must find a way to remind myself of this in the moments when I fear making the wrong choice. It may seem as though so much lays in the balance, but I think in truth the one thing I fear is loss.

I fear the loss of something that I spent years working towards. I fear the loss of friendship, companionship. I fear being alone and unsupported, being somehow unable to handle my life and having no one to turn to for guidance.

When I really sit back and think about it I KNOW that the connections that I have made that run deep will continue regardless of time or miles. I know that across time and space I have surrounded myself with a intricate tapestry of loving support. People to whom I have given my heart and who, in return have shared theirs with me.

I feel so thankful for this and I know that once I truly come to the place where I can embrace the idea that these things will not just fall away if my path leads me else where, I will be able to find contentment with this choice and see it not as a precipice but rather a wide open space full of beautiful potential and opportunity for growth.

Now if only I had a pool of clarity that I could gaze into when I have my moments of insecure doubt.


Chelsea said...

count me in. no matter how far, or how long we are joined for eternity...

Kimberly said...

That was so raw, so beautiful, Jenn.

I hope to be part of that tapestry for a long time to come.

And your doubts are nothing more than your beautiful humanity shining through. We aren't really human without them. To live life full of certainty in every moment, in the face of every major choice, chance, and upheaval, would be a very sad thing indeed.