head count

when we are out and about and I am doing a head count something in me panics.  where are they?  I am sure that someone is missing!!!  I count again.

1

2

3

4

wait...we have 4...thats the number.

so why then, do I constantly feel like I'm missing 2 kids?  seriously... it happens frequently.

our 2 babes....

one day they'll be here and I can stop wondering where they are.

I'll know.

Photograph by Diego Lezama Orezzoli/CORBIS

Tisisat Falls presents an idyllic scene. The Blue Nile crashes over the cataract in the lush forests of northwest Ethiopia.

~testing, tesing...1 (Faith), 2 (Patience), 3 (Gratitude)~

Is it possible that Patience, after being sought after and struggled for...after spending countless hours being reached for, begged for...is it possible that it could become comfy? That Patience could become complacency? an excuse for in activity?


I wonder.


Patience is a virtue...yes!


but right now I wonder....



but then...really it is Patience coupled with Faith that will guide us to where we need to be. Faith is so key..so much more so then I think we realize. Complete and true Faith is propelling. It is a catalyst for action...although not always (or should I say, rarely) that action that we hope for.

I feel like I am being sooooo very tested.




Patience....maybe it is because I feel like I am a pretty patient person? maybe I need to be humble..to realize that actually, I'm not so patient after all.



Its just, I read things like this and this and think, why are we not there!?! what is it we need to do to get there? funny thing is I know...at least part of the answer. This would be where the whole lack of patience becomes so glaringly obvious. Where Trust and Faith really need to come into play.



I need to find Gratitude for this place...most days I am feeling very Grateful...today, even amidst my words of frustration there is Gratitude.




Gratitude that downstairs is my Dad, who's body is fighting lung cancer, who's heart is trying to wrap around losing his dog...the one companion that has been with him through his struggles over the last few years. That he is here and I am able to wrap him in the love that every one of us deserves. That I am gifted with moments of wisdom where my words are able to ease his heart and lighten his spirit. I am more Grateful for this gift then I could possibly express.




Gratitude that my husband, who has worked so very hard over the past 5 years, actually has time and equipment to record his music...to spend time with himself after so much self sacrifice.




Gratitude that I am surrounded by amazing women who are so supportive, inspiring, loving. That we have a community here that is strong..so nurturing.



Gratitude that my children are healthy,. That they are thriving and becoming, more and more everyday, people whom I not only love unconditionally but people who I admire and respect because of WHO they are.




Gratitude that the time has come where I can take some time away from my children to attend births and build my Birthing from Within Doula business.




I am in awe of the Grace that has been bestowed upon me during some of the darkest moment of my life. I am so grateful for the sun. for the rain.




so Grateful...needing to remember that.

~I miss you...but I haven't met you yet~

a melody for you all....I love Bjork. She's one of those artist that I've been listening to since I was 15 and still love.

Anyway..whilst sitting here, thinking of my longings and patience...thinking about the miles and moments that separate us from our future children, this song popped into my head.

So appropriate doncha think??

I had a heck of a time finding the original version...so we'll have to settle for a remix with some questionable rap...but you get the idea((sigh))





I MISS YOU by Bjork

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking

But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you

I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
By the time I stop waiting
I miss you

~seeing (RED)~ (or the greatest treasure)

Today I ventured forth into the wide world, solo.
That's right. Solo.
As in, no kids, no hubby, no dog.
Just me.
Now in order to truly understand the scope of this you would have to know me fairly well....well enough to understand that I don't generally EVER go out alone. I am family loving mama who, for the most part, just wants to be with my crew. I lived the first 20 years-ish of my life running solo and have got to say that since having my children, lovin my hubby life has NEVER been so good. That said I do realize that it important to fuel this mama machine that I am. Feed it that life giving, soul connection of self...in however small a serving.

Today's serving...a lovely day in K-town...big city 1 hour north...with my dear pal Tricia. Tricia also being mama to 4 bits of magic...both of us in need of some thrift shopping therapy.

One of the things I love most about thrift shopping is the treasure hunt. Digging through racks of weird and wonderful in search of that perfect item that screams "pick me!!" and I eagerly answer "YES!".

I passionately love thriftin' it up. To me new clothing is simply unnecessary (unless of course you scour the racks of numerous thrift shops and STILL cannot find a pair of pants...which happens....or you find some great piece on etsy☺) ANYWay...back to my train of thought. so, yes...I am a hard core thrift shopper...it is always my first choice and to me each find is bliss encarnate...really. I'm that silly:)

SO off T and I go, happily chatting as I drive down the highway on this rare sunny day (after weeks of cloud cover...ugh!) we pull into the parking lot of VV and practically skip to the door (she's hardcore like that, too) We shop side by side for a while and then split off down our various aisles to see what might be seen. This moment was sooooooooooo peaceful to me. No kids asking me to buy them a million plastic toys (which we are, apparently lacking...what about all are super cool wood stuff guys?) Eventually they get lost in the book section, supervised by hubby and I..tag teaming for a venture into the shop. And then there's hubby...my darling Adam, who, as much as he won't pay more the maybe $8 for pants, is ready to go before I've even made it through 1 section. ((sigh)) so this rare gem of an opportunity was something to be treasured indeed.

I love where my mind goes during these times. When I can actually finish a though and follow it through to the next (novel, I know!) And can you guess where my thoughts lead? every.single.one. of them?

Ethiopia. Adoption. AIDS. Our children. Their children. Mama's. not enough mama's...

I think to myself...the way things have been flowing lately I wonder if some odd, goose pimply magical thing will happen today. One of those things that affirms that you are on the right path. Maybe I'll find one of those cool Hearts for Ethiopia Shirts?? hahaha...that WOULD be magic.

but I know magic...I know that it happens to us when we need it. I know that it brings us to a place where we can learn and grow in the direction we need. I know that it brings a sense of reverence. of wonder. of grace.

oh, yes. I've met magic before.

so on I shop. loading my cart with shelves for my sewing center, clothes for Adam, clothes for me....I'm perusing the t shirt section when what do you suppose I find?? seriously....can you guess?????

♥
♥
♥
♥
♥
♥

this: an olive colored t with the word TREASU(RED) . you all know what that means right? that means that I had to use every single ounce of self control I have not to burst into heaving sobs right there in the middle of Value Village. I stood there, laughed out loud....looked around to see if anyone had spotted my insanity (nope) and took many deep, slow breaths trying to get my shit together. (yes I said shit...but really...you should have seen me!!) I find T and spill the beans..actually tear up as I tell her...in the books section by the change rooms...I exclaim that magic has found me once again and I am shaking like a leaf because ...well.....shizza...maybe you have to be adopting to understand...maybe you have to be sooo in love with a place and its people that you can barely breath sometimes...or maybe you can just feel this as I exude how much this simple little moment...this worn t-shirt in a thrift shop, means to me.

little steps along the way...little affirmations.....little bits of Grace.

I wonder if a t-shirt of mine will ever be so treasu(red) ?

have a very, very red day tomorrow!!! soooooo much love!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

how

how does one get through this...how do I??
tears roll down my cheeks as my husband reaches out to touch me...sooth me....
his presence invites me to spill.
I am open here in a way I don't understand.
I am angry.
I want to help but my hands, tied behind my back, do little that I can see.

when I call..his voice every day seems farther...or closer....like I could reach out and touch him...but the miles stack up like odds against me and I fear them.
I fear their ability to hold me captive like some random psycho bank robber holding me on the other side of a panel of glass.

and then, from somewhere within me comes the cold....the sniffling cold that tells me the miles aren't the only odds I have to dance with. Patience of a new sort is being tested in me as I bath in oil of oregano...pleading for this to go away so that I can traverse the hills and valleys just to say
"I love you"
"your not alone....see?? I am here....here to do nothing more then be..."

be what??

i don't know

be your daughter....and you my father...everything else can fall away...the pain...the cancer...the chemo...years...money...time...miles.....it all means nothing

but I love you...that means something.

~cycle-therapy~ making it through the land of wait

I remember the first time I read Oh The Places You'll Go by good ol' Dr. Seuss. When I cam to the waiting page I clearly remember thinking to myself "I will never wait like that...I will be to busy living to even notice waiting!" ha.....oh the thoughts of youth. And now, here I am living in the land of wait on so many levels...trying to remember to live while I wait. trying (sometimes desperately) to hold onto the joy of the moment while I do my very best not to notice every single tick of the clock...

waiting for the house to sell

waiting to travel and visit all our family (its been years)

waiting to move

waiting to find out about my dad's cancer treatment

waiting to start my doula/childbirth prep class business

waiting to open my ETSY fundraiser shop

waiting for hubby to record

waiting to begin our adoption process

waiting....waiting...waiting

In so many ways I have felt like our whole life is on hold...so much hanging on the selling of our house. There are so many things we decided not to do this summer "because our house will sell". And when it sells we will take our children on the much anticipated trip across Canada so that we can visit all of our family in the east who we haven't seen for years. And then we'll move.

But for now...waiting...back to waiting....

So I have decided recently "to hell with waiting!" I HAVE to do something or I am going to loose my mind, literally. I have started making play dates...my kids having sleepovers...saying yes to performance dates....yes to camping trips. If I have to cancel last minute my pep's will understand, heck, they are people who I love and who love me...they see this wacky tortured frame I have been (or maybe not if I'm that good at hiding it).

My hubby says I need to get myself really involved in some kind of Ethiopian Aid organization so that, even though the waiting will continue for a while longer, I can still feel productive. He's right (as usual...he knows me so well) That has been my plan all along but somehow, amidst all this waiting, especially the uncertainty around my Dad, I got sidetracked. So, to all you folks who are on the Ethiopia train, help?? can you share you wisdom? send me links??

Another way I have been making it through...that helps not only me but our children (who reflect my heart and mind so clearly). is to bike. It is physical activity, it is challenging....we breathe in the beautiful, clean air and are lifted by the very action. If ever there is a moment when we are out of balance we hop on the bikes and by the time we get home there is a calm that remains with us for the rest of the day.

How do you cope with waiting? How do you get through those challenging moments that are completely out of our hands? (or, at least it appears that way)

Willow and Noah peeking from within their snazzy ride

enjoying a romp in the greenbelt..a wonderful biking destination