The View from Way up Here...

from where I sit now thing look different.

its not just the elevation....the elation of finally being home. 

its somewhere between the rockie mountain peaks and the cool depths of the lake. 

between the clouds that are as often below as above here.

 

its been a long climb and I am tired.  

but its the kind of tired that fills you with joy as you looks around and behold the wonder that you would have missed if you had stayed way down there. 

 

joy.

i'd exhale but the air tastes so good I want to keep it in.

maybe that's why I have been disconnected from the clickety click of this keyboard?

to busy infusing myself with every molecule of this fresh mountain air.

oxygen, clean like my lungs have never known

it is time to re group

time to settle in

to unpack

find our new rhythm

play

make friends

splash in the very cold lake feed by the snow capped mountains and slowly melting glaciers

I make us extra large mason jars full of home made ice tea early in the morning.

the family favorite so far is black currant hibiscus sweetened with blue agave nectar..sipped directly from the jar in the hot summer sun

we make the trek down the very steep mountain side to the town core

inhale the aromas of lake/pine/coffee/nag champa/hot pavement/wet pavement/garlic/korma....

city and mountain collide and the i am intoxicated by it

my beautiful children marvel at the architecture, 

the many colorful people

the many languages the dance on the breeze...we want to learn them all

they are giddy about all of the home schooled kids

they have made best buds and kindred spirits

they feel more at home then they have EVER and for that I am abundantly grateful

they (meaning Noah for the most part) are throwing tantrums and yelling at each other

they are finding their groove

I am loosing my patience and then, by the grace of the goddess, finding it again

our home is in town

it has been years since we lived IN town

laundry lines

bicycling to the store

neighbourhood parties

the smell of coffee being roasted in the cafes early in the morning wafting up the hillside

it is different and I like it 

~this path~

As time progress we find ourselves on a different path then we started. Somewhere along the way we veered..maybe toward something sweet...or dark and mysterious...at any rate when I look around now I find myself in a place I've never been that is still, somehow familiar.

I am a strong believer in our abilities to manifest our dreams...faith in that...no matter which path we walk down...is what gives me courage to take steps off the beaten path. It gives me strength to forage our own path even when those around us declare us insane for our methods. As the years pass I see so clearly how our faith and optimism has led us, time and time again, to where we need to be....closer to our vision...closer to our dream. But it is the dream...the destination that is so clear to me....the HOW...not so much. And this is where surrender comes in. When things are going on in my life that I don't understand or that seem to nearly break me I hold on to my faith that at the other side of the experience things will become clear. Its the whole, hindsight is 20/20 thing....looking back I can see the reasons for experiences that, at the time, seemed completely disconnected.

Nothing is disconnected. This is something I believe in the very core of my being. We really are all connected...everything...literally. It's the whole circle of life thing...action /reaction...prayer/ answer...karma...the law of attraction. What we put out really does come back to us. When we pray...whether to God, the Universe, the Creator (so many names..but I believe the are all the same)...our answers are rarely what we expect..but always what we need.

The visions I have of our future are so clear I could reach out and touch them. I see our home (a place Adam and I both dreamt about when we first met...the same night!) I see our children...the ones that have yet to join our family...I smell them, know them by heart even though I'm quite sure they haven't even been born yet. I see myself...the lines around my eyes, the grey of my hair...a knowing, gentle expression that comes from things I have yet to experience.

I see it all so clearly that I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will be there. I have complete faith that the HOW will happen in the way that it is meant to...the way I don't understand...the way I sometimes fear (there is loss on that path, this much I know). I let go of the need to understand the HOW....we are the WHY...love and life are the Why...the HOW is unknown.

And this is where I surrender. This is where I find freedom. When our actions are out of love...with truth, respect and compassion in mind, they will bring to us love, truth, respect and compassion. These things are so key to fulfillment for me. My life is empty without them and when I embrace them I feel the distance between us and our dreams lessen....or maybe it is that I realise that this IS the dream. Living life this way...focused on the positive, cradling the negative with understanding (or striving too at least)...moving forward with faith and vision.

When Imagine Adoption closed its doors to Canadian families I was stunned. I looked at my contract..still sitting beside my computer, where it has been for almost a year, and said a quite prayer of thanks. You see, I have been holding that contract, reading it and re-reading it, wondering when the moment would come to send it away...to start the process on paper. I have had moments of deep frustration with the way things were flowing in our lives. Asking Why!?! when this love is so huge and true, when my heart is so open, why are things not flowing?? Eventually I embraced patience. I embraced the understanding that things happen for a reason and that the reason is not always clear to us. I wrapped myself in the faith that I KNOW that one day we will be in Ethiopia welcoming our children into our arms, our hearts. Embracing the change and gift that all of that will mean for our family. And I found comfort. And I let go.

When Imagine closed its doors something became so abundantly clear to me. Right now, with moving, with my Dad's illness and all that comes with it, I really don't think that I would have the strength to handle going through what all of those families are going through. I don't know that I would be able to fight the fight......I don't know...maybe I would, but really, I question my strength.

I am washed with a cosmic comfort...really!! When you understand that all the while you have been wondering why....questions, frustrated, angry at times....really you were being gifted with a deeper understanding of yourself then you could ever imagine.

hmmmm.....

I sent away for a package from the other Canadian agency that handles Ethiopian adoptions. They told me they would send me a package but suggested that I look at another country...maybe Haiti. Maybe in their eyes Ethiopia has become too controversial...to sketchy. It doesn't matter to me though. When we are ready to start I KNOW our children will be in Ethiopia and that whatever means we need to bring them home will be there...when its time. And for now I will wrap myself in the blanket that is my faith and I will continue to joyously put one foot in font of the other as I walk this unknown path, home.

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

I am covered completely in goose bumps, tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, for the third time this week!

I have been moved in ways I can't even describe by watching these amazing families go through the struggles and joys of waiting..."waiting with the infinite patience of those who have little choice but to wait" (~ from Cutting for Stone by A.V.)
I have been moved by the courage of these families as they reach across the world with hearts so completely open, welcoming in the kind of wonder from which dreams are made..the very best dreams. The deepest, truest kind of LOVE...big, big love...love divine!

So here I sit, celebrating for Julie and Steven...people I have never met...in such a deep way. Welcoming into their family FOREVER a sweet little Chunk of Love and a darling Degas Ballerina in a Blue Dress. You can read about their amazing journey over at The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened!

Congratulations guys!! You are such an inspiration to me in more ways then you can imagine!
(The Wish Bearer sure is making her rounds this week!!♥♥♥)

~of my Dad and cancer~

That's it.

My Dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 cm tumor in his right lung...possibly operable although they are doing test right now to see if its spread elsewhere.

my first thought. Damn cigarettes. you can't smoke for 50 years and not expect some negative side effect.

second thought. stupid man. stupid man for smoking for 50 years knowing full well that it was not a good thing to be doing to his body.

third thought. damn big business for being so damned concerned with big money that they don't give a sh*t about the fact that they're peddling death.

fourth thought. damn big money for owning all the pharmaceutical companies who make even more big money off of all the people who get sick and need crazy amounts of medical interventions.

damn you all!....grrrrrrrrr

fifth thought. damn me for trying to place blame when really what I need to do is spend my energy sending out big,. big love.

sh*t...sh*T...SH*T

isn't there a manual for "how to deal with an issue so multi layered that really, is there a beginning?"

well?

no?

I thought not. ((sigh)

(funny...this whole conversation happened in my head over the course of about 5 minutes...yeah, I'm well practiced at talking with myself)

My Dad and I have not always been close. We have had issues. Lots of issues. But somehow, over the past few years we have come to a place where there is forgiveness and acceptance. A place of firm boundaries and removed expectations. A place where healing and respect can flourish and honesty is welcomed. A place that is what it is....nothing more, nothing less.

In the past year my Dad and I have had some amazing conversations. Conversations on topics I never thought he would even be aware of, let alone have deep conversations about. During his winter illness (he has been really sick for almost a year) he became aware of the healing power of food. He started drinking a super-food juice combo that changed his life. My dad drinks coke and coffee, eats cheese and meat...and cheese..and meat.... he's drinking a super-food juice!!! Becoming more aware of the effects of all food on his body/life and striving to make a change there.

We've talked about alternative therapy's for cancer treatment. We've talked about foods and supplement's that have been shown to fight cancer and strengthen the body. He is optimistic (most of the time) and feels like he can really beat this. I believe he can.

I came to realize something the other day. I am so thankful for these last few years. To see such a change in him...like he woke up after a lifetime of sleep. There are people who "sleep" right up until the day death comes for them, never having known what it was like to open their eyes.

But him...his eyes are opening, slowly. And I wonder if his illness doesn't have something to do with that.

~With our own 12 hands~

For those of you who have been reading for a while you will remember that our house is for sale. (new readers~ my first few posts talk a bit about this if you feel so inclined to read back) After months and months of ceaseless labour our finished home was placed on the market....and there it has sat. We took it of for a few weeks to take care of some banking business and last night we re-listed, lowering the price.

Dad-e-o and I had a great conversation after our realtor left and the kids were tucked in. The question we mulled...What are we going to do? What do we want?

We've been kind of avoiding both of these thoughts. Just enjoying this time of quiet and the break from such heavy work. We've briefly checked out listings, but there is nothing we're interested in.

When we first started working on our house with the vision to sell held steadily in focus, we planned to build when we sold. We weren't just planning to build any ol' house but a passive solar straw bale home of our own design. And while we built?? we planned to live in a yurt and enjoy the simple life. We wanted to become a self sufficient as possible...a huge garden and green house, chickens, goats...maybe even horses. We wanted Dad-e-o to be able to build a shop/studio on our property and create his art at home. We wanted to live as minimalistaically as possible and build our house by bartering with friends and trading with other folks who would become friends. We wanted to reduce our mortgage to nearly nothing so that we can actually LIVE our life and take time to do all of the things that we dream of doing.

As our house came nearer to completion we realized 2 things. (well, many things actually, but 2 more predominant) 1. That building a house ourselves while homeschooling and such was a LOT of work...maybe more then we wanted to tackle at this point. and 2. that we couldn't afford to buy vacant land because the bank wanted us to finish our house on what we consider to be a totally unrealistic time frame. We wanted to build our house slowly...without the stress of dates pushing us to burn ourselves out.

So we decided to look into buying a house on acreage...a relatively finished house. The thing is, every time we look we get this feeling like we should just turn off the computer and do something else. Like we are somehow missing the other part of the picture.

We were sitting last night, in the living room, Dad-e-o putting fresh strings on a few of our guitars, me nursing sleepy Sweetie Boy, ponder the questions.....what do we really want?

Are we going to buy some house that doesn't need a tone of work? A house that will essentially keep us right where we are....in a place that doesn't equate to our life style. A house that leaves us with an "affordable" mortgage. A house that is so conducive to this typical western way of living...a way of living that we will settle for?

Something just feels wrong about that.

So then maybe we should just stay here? This house has been transformed into something that is not only esthetically beautiful but energetically as well. We have used as many "green" building methods as we could. We designed it so that the energy of a large family could flow through it in a calm manner, where there is a place for everything. It is on 3/4 of an acre in a beautiful neighborhood close to all "amenities". This house is nicer then anything we can afford...granted we can transform a hole in the ground into something breathtaking in a matter of months BUT....

we need to keep moving forward. We need to keep our vision in our minds. We can't just settle for mediocrity because the market is slower, it's easier or because our vision requires work. Something else that I've realized is that I actually LIKE work..really hard work that keeps you so busy you don't have time to be bored or idle. Work that propels you towards something, manifesting the vision with your own 2 hands. There is something so soulfully rewarding about this kind of work.

As our conversation moved and shifted we came to realize that on sooo many levels we NEED to keep our focus on our vision. Every time we try to shift our focus to a more "normal" picture it just feels wrong. And so we went to bed with a renewed inspiration...we may not know exactly how, but we will manifest our vision, with our own 2 hands....well, with our own 12 hands.

(and more when our new babies come home...many hands create light work)

(You can scroll down to the bottom of the page to turn off the music and listen to the video)

~A Mothers Fears~ part 2

Fear had taken over....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

Never in my life have I EVER felt so horrific. Time seemed to be holding me in some kind of hammock, swaying me in and out...shifting my perspective without so much as a warning. I felt, for the first time, completely disconnected from the earth. Like I was some how walking in some kind of ethereal plane...not in a deep meditative kinds of way. In a bad dream you can't wake up from, falling but you never touch the ground kind of way.

I need to get grounded, but I felt disoriented.

After my first remedy dose I was able to eat again. I started with salad...all I wanted was salad. Slowly I added oatmeal, chicken and Spelt sourdough bread. I couldn't eat potatoes/pasta/rice/sugars/dairy. I couldn't eat cooked veggies. I didn't realize it but my body was detoxing. Big time. The things that came out of me....(I'll spare you the details) stunned me. I started drinking a whole food/greens/protein shake which really helped with my energy levels.

Another moth passed and I was given a new remedy by my homeopath. When I woke up the next day the nausea was gone! I was so happy!! I actually made lunch! When Dad-e-o came in he was so surprised. I was eating and smiling and had made him food! I could see in his eyes a kind of joy that made my smile broaden. I know how scared he had been. So afraid that he was going to lose me. And this simple act, this smile and prepared lunch was enough to shift his hope to a whole new place.

Something I should mention about the panic and anxiety attacks that I was having~ I didn't realize that's what it was. Having never experienced it before I only knew that it was horrible, but I didn't know why. I new I felt like I was dying but I had no idea how much of a role my fear played in that.

One day as I was driving to town (about 15 minutes away) listening to CBC radio. They were doing an interview with different medical professionals about anxiety. I was instantly draw in and listened with wrapped attention for the duration of the interview. My mind was whirling. Was that it? Was this the answer to one aspect of what I was experiencing?

I spent weeks pondering, mulling, steeping this information in my mind. Fear. It all came back to fear. This is when I remembered the conversation my daughter and I had had all those months before. What I fear is fear. Wow. Justifiably so, I thought, having now experienced such acute and overwhelming fear. Fear is a powerful thing. In the past 3 months every time I experienced pain and nausea I also experienced extreme fear.

I began, slowly, to understand that the fear was something that I could choose to let go of. In those moments when my body was hit with pain I could choose to let that translate into fear and then be thrown madly about on the sea of chaos, OR I could choose to realize that it was fear that made me feel so much worse and try to understand what my body was trying to tell me.

It turn out that my body was trying to tell me something rather specific. Over the next few years I would learn to listen. Every bit of pain, every wave of nausea, every ache or frightening flash of blood was a very clear message.

First of all, I realized what a huge roll stress plays in my health. If I over load my plate or do things that are not in harmony with who I AM, I become stressed and then I become ill. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, how can a homeschooling mother of 4 who makes everything from scratch avoid stress?

LOVE.

It's all about love. When love is the priority everything else seems so simple. We have learned to take the daily stresses of life with a grain of salt. We value our family unity above all else and realize how fickle the material things of this life are. (which is what tends to cause the most stress in our culture) so yeah, LOVE, baby!

Secondly, I came to understand the power of FOOD. You know the old saying "You are what you eat." It's true. The diet of the average north American is disgusting. Revolting even. The rates of cancer, obesity, diabetes, degenerative disease, depression, anxiety, ADHD, mental illness...these rates are both shocking and appalling. How is it that we have allowed this to happen? because the cheap, readily available food options taste good? It just doesn't equate.

I have always been a "healthy" eater. I've never eaten much junk food. I didn't drink pop or eat at fast food places frequently. I bought organic when I could afford it and ate a largely vegetarian diet with little processed food. But there was room for improvement. Apparently a LOT of room for improvement.

I began to pay attention to the way I felt and what I had eaten recently that might be a cause. Wow...after going through illness detox, my body messages were loud and clear. Everything I ate translated to either health and healing or illness and pain. Processed foods with preservatives/high fructose corn syrup/flavor enhancers/hydrogenated oils/artificial flavours (even ones claiming to be "natural")/artificial color and sweeteners- ALL made me sick. Now think about whats in your cupboard. Go on, read some labels. It is shocking to realize how many of the things we buy have these things in them. Now think about going out for dinner or catching a quick bite when your in a rush. Most of the convenient food options out there contain ALL these things.

So, whats a girl to do? Come shopping with me....my cart: loaded with fresh produce, mostly organic (about half full), organic yogurt and soy yogurt (for my boys who can't have dairy), butter, organic soy milk, cream for Dad-e-o's organic whole bean coffee, organic tofu, organic tortilla chips (lightly slated), organic corn and rice cakes, salsa, sour cream, white cheddar cheese (sometimes feta or ricotta), organic salad dressing, olive oil, celtic sea salt, whole organic chicken or breasts, frozen organic veggies and blueberries, Organic sprouted grain bread, flour tortillas.

I take part in a organic food co-op where we buy bulk items (all organic) slow cooking oats, spelt and wheat flour, evaporated cane juice, popping corn, kamut pasta and spelt udon noodles, dried beans. I get my eggs from friends who have free range chickens. I make all of our baked good- cookies, muffins, cakes from scratch. I love to cook and make dinner every night (often with Dad-e-o). food has become sacred to me. By honoring it, choosing what we buy carefully, we, in turn, honour ourselves.

We don't spend money on eating out. We don't spend money on buying "munchies" or grabbing a coffee. We don't drink alcohol so there is no money going to that. What we do spend money on is groceries. It took a while for us to get into the rhythm of it...and to get used to the total of our grocery bill. But when the other option is to be sick it is VERY motivating!

So between figuring out the fear/stress factor and the food factor I began to heal myself with the help and support of the people in my life. It's been just over 4 years now. A few months ago my doctor suggested that we run a bunch of tests. He had been my doctor for 2 years (prenatal care) but I had never really told him my history. I finally transferred my file to him (all 50lbs of it, lol) and he, very respectfully, suggested that we cover all the basics, just to see. So, I found myself, yet again, getting vile upon vile of blood taken, going for ultrasounds and a colonoscopy, seeing specialists.

I get a phone call saying my results are in. I walk in to his office and he is grinning ear to ear. He goes on to tell me that what ever I'm doing I should keep doing. All my test have come back healthy and normal!! Blood tests that I was told would NEVER change, changed. I had a healthy pap for the first time in my life. My bowels, "beautiful" to quote the internologist.

I get goose bumps every time I think about it. He says to me, that he has never seen such a healthy, happy person and that I was blessed.

Yes, I am blessed.

Fear can sometimes be a catalyst for change.

~ A Mothers Fears~ part 1

As mama's I think it is part of our job to have all manner of odd and frightening scenario play through in our minds. I remember the first time I had a frightening/morbid thought~ That somehow my daughter would fly out of the stroller while I was stopped at the curb and get hit by a car. Actually, the visual was much more disturbing then that...all the fears of a new mama packed into one horrifying thought. In all reality it isn't very likely BUT it gave me an element of caution that might not have been there otherwise. And who's to say that that caution didn't save that babe on more then one occasion? Now imagine 11 years of fears. 4 babies. 4 children. All the fears that have translated into different cautions and preparedness.

Sometimes our fears can be a catalyst for change.

One sunny day about 4 and a half years ago, while driving into town with my children, Beena asked me a question.

"What are you afraid of mommy?"

I thought about it for a long time. At that point in my life I had let go of many of my "fears" and was in what I thought to be a much more trusting/positive/faithful place.

I answered "Fear. Fear is what I fear most."

It wasn't long after that that my earth was shaken. First Honey broke her elbow. A 1 year old in a cast is a sad thing indeed! We had vehicle problems. Then we experienced some fairly major family trauma during which I heard fear, real fear, in my husbands voice for the first time. There is still lingering pain from this...I wonder if it will ever heal.

Shortly afterwards I became ill.

Now, I guess the first thing you should understand is that I have struggled with illness all of my life. As a child I seemed to catch everything. As a teen I struggled with symptoms that I didn't understand, and being in a high stress situation (living on my own/working/going to school) from way to early on surly didn't help.

After the birth of my first child my symptoms worsened. I was in pain, exhausted, far to thin. My specialists wanted me to take all kinds of drugs and I was getting 10+ viles of blood taken every few months. I refused to take the prescribed medication. I had done enough research and had enough experience to know that my body reacted horribly to their medication. I would always get nearly every reaction known and be in more misery then when I began.

I told them that I would be taking a natural approach and began an intensive vitamin therapy regime. My health improved and Dad-e-o and I decided we would be open to having another child at this point. I was told that it was very likely I would be to high risk later on in life. After Mr. Bops birth I was healthier then I had ever been. I continued to take supplements and began to eat more and more organic whole foods. We began trying for baby number 3 (which took all of about 2 weeks) and I experienced my healthiest, most vibrant pregnancy yet. Honey was born at home in a swimming pool that we had set up in our living room with no complications. I recovered quickly and felt healthier then ever.

I had healed myself. Through healthy eating, an active lifestyle, loving support and a positive outlook I had done something that I was told was impossible and I was impowered by that.

and then I got sick.

It hit me hard. My body was rocked and my mind along with it. I panicked. How could this be happening? I was healed! what is going on! I could barely move for weeks.

I was so blessed to have my hubby working across the front lawn. He would make the kids breakfast and get them dressed. He would come in on his morning break and change diapers/get snacks. He would be in making lunch and back again at his afternoon break. After work he would make supper, read stories, put kids to bed, do laundry, tidy the house. He was my savior.

I began to see a homeopath after the first few weeks. I was able to eat again the day after the first dose of my remedy. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't been able to eat for far to long and had already lost nearly 30lbs. (did I mention I was thin to begin with?)

One of the things that I struggled with the most during this time was fear. I was experiencing panic attacks and anxiety for the first time in my life. I was so desperately afraid that this was never going to end. That I would never be able to parent my children. To play with them in the sunshine or cook dinner with them. To home school them. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to clean my own house, tend my own garden. I was afraid my husband would look at me and realize he'd made a horrible mistake and leave me.

Fear had taken over.....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

~So long 2008~

It has been a wild year. Wild and wonderful. When I look back and see how things have shifted I am humbled and inspired. This life is so exciting!! I just made a video for all our family who live miles and miles away...a compilation of photos from the past year, and WOW did it ever put things into perspective!

I saw our house stripped down to studs and the reconstructed and made into the beautiful sanctuary that it is now.

I saw our beautiful children grow and change, becoming more even beautiful and brilliant as time passed.

I saw the confidence grow in my husbands eyes as he labored to create the home we envisioned...manifesting it so completely.

There have been so many changes this year.

Again I was reaffirmed that our decision to home school is the best for our family. That allowing our children to lead their own learning will take our family on the most amazing of journeys.

This was the year that I finally joined belly dance, something I have wanted to do for years. I discovered how fulfilling it was to actually take time for myself and do something I love and watched how the magic of that reflected in all areas of my life.

There was so little time for community activities, friends and even family that we were able to really see what we were missing and truly appreciate what it is that we have here in our little town in the forest. We were able to realize how much we value the relationships we have built and the way that we have woven ourselves into the tapestry that is this wonderful community. I could feel our roots digging deeper as we realized that we really do want to stay here.

This was the year that music re-awoke within my husband. I watch as he composes and am in awe of his gift.

This was the year that our son was diagnosed autistic. The year I began to teach those around me who work with children on the spectrum a different way to look at Autism. This was the year I was truly affirmed in the amazing brilliance of our son and was able to truly advocate for the empowerment and celebration of Autism as a gift.

This was the year that my heart took flight and soared across the ocean. The year I realized that the time was nearing to manifest our dream of adopting and that somewhere in Ethiopia, at some point in the not to distant future, we would find the children that would complete our family.

This was the year my Heart grew. It excites me to imagine where I'll be when my hair is long and white and I awake with the dawn to do yoga in my garden....so many years of blossoming left, I can't even wrap my head around it!

And so I welcome 2009 with an open heart, full of anticipation, inspiration and excitment!