music is so intrinsically woven into the fiber of my being. it seems only logical to spill that over here. maybe one day I'll post one of my own tracks..but for now I'll share what inspires me.
Iron and Wine have been a key part of my musical rotation for many, many years. This song...mmmm, I LOVE, I love the driving rhythm, the harmonies, the clapping, how it made me want to dance even before I saw the video.
Every year on the weekend of the Summer Solstice I pack my backpack and head out to an organic farm co-operative for the Wise Women Solstice retreat. In the 4 years that we have lived here I have always made sure that I make it out to at least part of this weekend of blissful women wonderfulness. This year I asked our oldest daughter, Beena now 11, if she would like to join me since, after all, she is almost a women. Her eyes were so full of light as she exclaimed " really??!!! YES!!". Her next question "mama, can I ask questions?"
You see, one of the things that Beena loves...more then nearly any thing else, is to sit with women, listening to conversations and asking all of the millions of questions that come to her creative mind. Her questions are deep and soulful, sweet and innocent, wistful and adventurous. She was beyond ecstatic to spend the afternoon/evening with all of these wonderful women who welcomed her with open arms, honoured by her inquistiveness and enthusiastic spirit.
Sharing this special, sacred time with our daughter made my day!!! heck, made my.....life!!??!! I have dreamed of doing these things with her when she was a baby...building the bond of our women connection. Strengthening her roots as she comes of age. Giving her confidence and faith in female relationships by inviting her to take part in an event such as this, where women and girls of all age, sizes, walks of life get together and celebrate our similarities and our differences. Having soooo much fun just being together. Relationships that grow year after year. Relationships that share laughter and tears....and food!! oh the food!! It never ceases to amaze me how phenomenal the food is when we all get together. Maybe we should rename the even the Hungry Women's Food Gathering!!lol
It was such a gift to be able to share this magic with my daughter. I am beyond grateful.
♀~base camp~♀
♀~Beena planting her tree~♀
♀~mmm, Greek salad for the feta queen~♀
♀~drumming to start an evening of music~♀
♀~a few of the stops along the fairy walk the Beena helped to create...enchanting lite by candles under the light of the moon~♀
I must share my excitement....I just can't keep it to myself!! So, my dear friend A makes an announcement at dance class that there is going to be a Tribal Fusion belly dance workshop happening on the coast in March. Ooooooo, I say, who, where, when??? Ariellah she say.....Ariellah?! Really??!!
Okay, I tend to watch a fair bit of YouTube. Tribal belly dance videos specifically, and miss Ariellah happens to be one of the few dancers that I really enjoy. She does gothic belly dance, which, while it is not quite my thing, is still rather striking. The way she moves. Her expression and choreography are amazing! So, needless to say I am tempted, REALLY tempted to go. Just to top it off, A lets me know that if I can't afford it I can go along with her as her "helper". She manufactures tribal belly dance clothes and imports jewelry from the far reaches of the earth and will be the only vendor at the event...a vendor in need of a helper.
So here in begins my struggle. You see, I have never been without my Sweetie Boy. The longest we have been apart was last year when I took a day long workshop 5 minutes from my house. This is entirely different. I will be 5 hours away. Gone from early Friday until late Sunday. Now, Sweetie boy is super secure and LOVES being with Dad-e-o. Heck, on weekend I'm not even aloud to get the wee one out of his car seat...."Daddy me out, Daddy!" okay, okay, I hear you. Not only that but he rarely nurses (well, except on days like today where I swear he thinks he's a newborn again!) only a few time a day, and he doesn't nurse during the night anymore.
The truth of the matter is that it will be harder on me then it will be on him. So, after days of deliberation and consultation I have decided...........
...............drum roll please..............
to go! I am sooooo excited. I start making plans to spend all dance free time with my soul sista Jess, ecstatic to have a night out in the big city. But as I'm going over all these plans I begin to think, maybe, just maybe, there is some way I could spend my time more wisely. I mean, if I' going to be spending time away shouldn't I be doing something functional?? something logical??
So I start looking into doula training programs in the area. I have a whole shwack of training and workshops under my belt but I'm missing one bit of certification that I need for this job for a government funded organization that will pay for Doula's for young mama's and those who don't have the funds to pay for a Doula themselves. I REALLY want to work there, and they have been patiently waiting for Sweetie boy to be old enough that I can leave him with Dad-e-o to attend births.
Well, as I'm driving Dad-e-o back to work one afternoon (we share a truck right now) I ask him what his thoughts are on me choosing to take the Doula training instead of the dance workshop. It's a bit more expensive, I explain, but it will mean an income for me in the not to distant future AND I can add it to my bushel of certificates when I apply for midwifery school a few years from now.
He turn and looks at me....trys not to laugh.
What? I say....am I missing something.
Apparently so...He goes on to say, in a VERY sarcastic tone, that I don't deserve to have things for ME, and that how could I even think of spending money on myself...lazy, good for nothing, selfish women... by now he IS laughing.
What? I just...well I mean, I thought that if I had to choose one the Doula would be more logical!
He looks at me again, seriously this time. "Do both.....if you had to do one I would say go dance...go do something for you that has NOTHING to do with children. Refuel! You deserve this!"
Honestly, the though NEVER crossed my mind. I so rarely spend money on myself (not that we have money to spend). There is always a child who needs a coat, or a truck that needs a part, or property tax that needs to be paid. There is never money left over for mama. Let alone money for me to take 2 workshops, both things I LOVE with a passion.
The rest of the drive I could barely contain my excitement. I kept looking over at him with this stupid grin on my face like I had just won the lottery or something. The truth is I feel like I have. I feel appreciated, like he actually sees me. Sees everything I do for our family, all the sacrifices I make out of love for our children. He is saying thank you, and I will say your welcome...and I will go, with a heart full of gratitude!!
Okay, I promise that I will finish my "A Mothers Fears" story soon, BUT I had to show you all this beautiful video. I saw it posted by Nicky over at Rowan Family tree and it moved both Dad-e-o and I greatly. It is such an inspiration. A song that I have sung so many times and will continue to all of my life. Stand by Me....performed by people all over the world, together...evoking unity on oh so many levels.
And so begins this account of a wild and crazy life. A life filled with the squeals and screams of small children, the barking of a dog who takes her job of guarding the children very seriously, the sound of construction as we remodel this house and prepare to sell, and, always, melody.
I am filled with melody, filled beyond full to overflowing, unable to hold it in. I sing all the time, tunes from childhood, old gospel, crazy jazz, opera, funk, R&B, folk, blues, roots. I make up words when I can't remember how its "supposed to be sung". I improve and scat, and hummmmmm. This is a gene I seem to have passed on to my lil' guys. I hear their voices. Sometimes distant and sweet, lilting on a breeze. Sometime bold and loud, obnoxious, infectious. Its amazing how there voices can, at times, drive me beyond insane. When a lyric becomes so incessant ("I like big butts and I can not lie" for instance.....thanks Shrek!!) that I it replays even in my dreams. Or, better yet, when I am at the grocery store, by myself, and I'm not only swaying (yes, the baby is at home and still I sway) but I find myself humming that o-so-catchy tune. ((sigh)) ah well, at least I have infused them with a love for music. I am sure as they grow they will continue to broaden my musical horizons.
I wonder I'll be humming in the grocery store 10 years from now??
