~ the unexpected~

I met him and fell in love.  

It was unexpected.  

I knew I would find him sweet... all babies are sweet, and I am , after all, a baby whisperer...I knew that I would give him cuddles, oh and ah over the cuteness that is his tiny little fists.  

But this?  This I did not expect.

He is tiny, on the planet only 8 short weeks.  He is perfect.  I dream about him all the time...awake or asleep.  

I want to be his mama so bad that it physically hurts.  

It has been 5 weeks since I left....5 weeks.

I want to be his mama.

I did not expect this.

He is creamy white, not chocolate brown.... although his eyes, his eyes will be brown...like mine.

I wonder at that.  I know that still, while we are in this mode of settling, of buying our home, that Ethiopia is still a ways away.  I can wait.  I am patient.  

But in the time between now and then I have room...my heart has many spaces waiting to be filled....but one? one of those spaces ha been filled by him.  by his perfection.  by his essence that enraptures me in a way so familiar....like he was always my son even before he was conceived by another mother.

I don't even know if its possible.  I want the very best in the world for him.  That he will be loved and nurtured.  That he will always know, never ever doubt that he is loved.

He live many miles away.

I love him.

~testing, tesing...1 (Faith), 2 (Patience), 3 (Gratitude)~

Is it possible that Patience, after being sought after and struggled for...after spending countless hours being reached for, begged for...is it possible that it could become comfy? That Patience could become complacency? an excuse for in activity?


I wonder.


Patience is a virtue...yes!


but right now I wonder....



but then...really it is Patience coupled with Faith that will guide us to where we need to be. Faith is so key..so much more so then I think we realize. Complete and true Faith is propelling. It is a catalyst for action...although not always (or should I say, rarely) that action that we hope for.

I feel like I am being sooooo very tested.




Patience....maybe it is because I feel like I am a pretty patient person? maybe I need to be humble..to realize that actually, I'm not so patient after all.



Its just, I read things like this and this and think, why are we not there!?! what is it we need to do to get there? funny thing is I know...at least part of the answer. This would be where the whole lack of patience becomes so glaringly obvious. Where Trust and Faith really need to come into play.



I need to find Gratitude for this place...most days I am feeling very Grateful...today, even amidst my words of frustration there is Gratitude.




Gratitude that downstairs is my Dad, who's body is fighting lung cancer, who's heart is trying to wrap around losing his dog...the one companion that has been with him through his struggles over the last few years. That he is here and I am able to wrap him in the love that every one of us deserves. That I am gifted with moments of wisdom where my words are able to ease his heart and lighten his spirit. I am more Grateful for this gift then I could possibly express.




Gratitude that my husband, who has worked so very hard over the past 5 years, actually has time and equipment to record his music...to spend time with himself after so much self sacrifice.




Gratitude that I am surrounded by amazing women who are so supportive, inspiring, loving. That we have a community here that is strong..so nurturing.



Gratitude that my children are healthy,. That they are thriving and becoming, more and more everyday, people whom I not only love unconditionally but people who I admire and respect because of WHO they are.




Gratitude that the time has come where I can take some time away from my children to attend births and build my Birthing from Within Doula business.




I am in awe of the Grace that has been bestowed upon me during some of the darkest moment of my life. I am so grateful for the sun. for the rain.




so Grateful...needing to remember that.

um, so much for that idea☺

Considering that we are only part way through January, I think it is safe to assume that my goal of 365 pic's for 2010 is...well....not as much of a priority as I thought.

Don't get me wrong, photography is something I LOVE and look forward to doing more as I learn more about this new camera BUT.....well, busy-ness abounds in ways that fill me so...inspired and all that great stuff. I'm bursting at the seams with creative love...unfortunately not with camera in hand.

Last week I was sooo blessed to attend the birth of a very dear friend of mine. It was a stunningly beautiful experience. Transformational. Propelling. I realized how ready I am to be doing this. How destined I am to be doing this.

I have been studying, working towards my goal of spiritual midwife for well over a decade, and this was the first opportunity I have had where I was able to attend a birth other then my own! Our children are all of an age where I feel comfortable leaving them for the night. Noah, while he still nurses, can easily go a day without it. Everything lined up so perfectly. Even the 2 attending midwives, one a dear friend from high school, the other her partner. Working with them was amazing!

When they asked if I would be doing more Doula work I replied that no, at this time my life is so full with tending to my family and my Dad I just don't have the time.

Then I went home. I basked in the glow of that birth experience. I spent time with my dear friend and her family before they returned home. (they traveled 4 hours to have a home birth with midwives) I spent so much time thinking and through all of that I realized that I am more ready for this then I thought! Birth and motherhood are my deepest callings and fulfilling that feeds a part of me the way that nothing else can.

And so I embark on this journey. The Spiritual Doula embracing this connection.

Another friend asked me, only days later, if I could attend her birth as well. Her due time is early/mid February. She is a strong, beautiful women and I look forward to supporting her and her partner in what ever way they need.

The image tattooed on my back comes from the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. That book was a catalyst for me....propelling me down a path that has been more stunning then I ever would have imagined.

Such wonderful moments make Gestating Elephant Style a whole lot easier!

~So goose-pimply profound~

I've been going through some intense transitions with all this moving. A huge part of that has been really understanding that our adoption is at least a year if not 2 away (or more). I have been shifting from being future focused (when we sell our house.../when we move.../when we adopt...) to being present focused (right now we can bike/craft/play/study/make music/dance/be part of our community/put down roots/home school passionately) Its a major shift for me because for so long it has been the other way. For so long we worked on our home and put our energy towards our vision of the future while manifesting the now. Now we are renting. Now there is no house that requires all of our time and money. Now we have time...

So, the point of the story...so goose-pimply profound.

When I was in Vancouver at the Birthing from Within Workshop I got the stomach flu (on the last day). My mind was full and whirling with thoughts of our children, our new home, the now, teaching birth classes/doing doula work. I was thinking so much about the transitions I was experiencing as a mother. How I would not be a pregnant women again. That my baby would wean himself with in the next year or so and that I wouldn't nurse again until we adopt. I was NOT focused on thoughts of Ethiopia, our children, adoption. (well, not obsessively anyway...it might have come up once or twice ☺) Partially consciously and then unconsciously.

On my last night in Vancouver I was feeling really trapped. The little basement suite that I was staying in was stuffy and musty so I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air (this was before I realized that I had the stomach flu). So I'm walking...down the busy city streets...all the sounds, all the smells, and I realize that I haven't been looking at anything...just the ground. So I start looking in the Windows of the shops as I pass. After a while I realize that I've only looked to my left and that there's a whole other side to the street so my gaze crosses the road.....and settles directly on and Ethiopian restaurant!! I stop dead in my tracks. process...do I go in? do I order something and take it back? do I continue to stand here staring like a crazy women? I was so sick, so overwhelmed with being away from my family...I was not prepared to be brought into this very intense head space...my heart is hammering like crazy because, didn't I just decide that I was going to live in the now?? So, I choose to keep walking. Shake my head a few times...take a few deep breathes....keep walking. Live in the now...let go of something that is, at this point, so very far away.

Ahead I see I beautiful mural painted on the side of a building....full of color, bursting with life energy in the middle of the sketchy east side. An Oasis...light in a very dark place.

I decide that I'm going to go check it out before I head back. So I do. I stop and let the beauty of it fill me. I'm feeling inspired. Feeling purpose full. As my eyes dance across the vast piece of magic a glint of brass catches, attracts me. I step closer, realizing that it is a plac describing what the mural is about.

I step closer still, read the words.

I see the word Orphan....

My lungs seem to have forgotten how to breathe. I gasp and it comes out as a choking sob. I break down. There on a street corner in busy downtown Vancouver I fall apart. Completely.

Maybe it was because I was so sick. Maybe it was because I missed my family so much and felt so oddly separated form my life. But this? this brought me right back to the center of this dream...this vision that I have had since I was tiny, that has been a huge focus for so many moons.

Here, away from everything that is familiar to me, I heard our children. I saw them dance across my vision. I felt them so intensely that I thought I might explode. I felt our family. The whole, the complete, the joy and pain of all of our facets that make us US. The threads that create our tapestry....the words that create our story. The punctuation.

Remember to breathe.....

Eventually my feet start moving again. The tears keep rolling. I take a back street until my face begins to resemble something reminiscent of normal.

I return to the wee basement suite. I continue on with being sick...my mind whirling in a whole new way (or old way, depending on your perspective) Somehow, the next day, I make it home. driving 5 hours solo with the stomach flu: not recommended!

So here I am now. 2 weeks later. Processing my trip, the workshop (which was amazing in many ways). Realizing that being away from my family is not something I'm willing to do again. (Its just not worth it to me....and worthy of a whole separate post!)

I am understanding that there is no "back shelf" in my mind that I can place my passion for Ethiopia and our children on. No "back burner" that would ever be sufficient to simmer this while I focus on other things. I have come to understand that this is so much a part of me that I need to have it as part of my life, even if we don't adopt for 5 years...or 10 years....or 6 months! That time frame is something I need to surrender, the control over that....surrender the need to control. I need to embrace my faith that when the time is right, when we are ready, when our children are ready it WILL happen.

wow....not what I was expecting to get out of that weekend!! And somehow all the whirling that has been going on in my mind since we began our move seems to be no more then a breeze. A breeze that touches my cheek and reminds me of who I am...no matter where we live.

I am so very thankful.

(this is the mural, although when I saw it it was cradled in the dark of night)

Melodious Moon

Tonight I sing a lullaby while looking up at the crescent moon.  A gentle lullaby of gratitude, of awe and wonder.

Rebecca, in whom I have found a soul sister....a kindred spirit, has been gifted.  The sweet package came with delicious chocolate eyes, little fists and a feminine spirit.  This sweet one came to change her life forever.  

And now there is a somehow familiar love to nurture...like you always knew her but yet still so shocking... amazing and real...tangible.   You can see her.  Trace the lines of her image with your fingers.  Send her this deep and overflowing love that is big enough to cross miles...she will feel you even now, as you feel her. 

And soon, so soon, your daughter will be with you....to cradle, to snuggle, to empower.

Congratulations Rebecca and Colin!!   

~this path~

As time progress we find ourselves on a different path then we started. Somewhere along the way we veered..maybe toward something sweet...or dark and mysterious...at any rate when I look around now I find myself in a place I've never been that is still, somehow familiar.

I am a strong believer in our abilities to manifest our dreams...faith in that...no matter which path we walk down...is what gives me courage to take steps off the beaten path. It gives me strength to forage our own path even when those around us declare us insane for our methods. As the years pass I see so clearly how our faith and optimism has led us, time and time again, to where we need to be....closer to our vision...closer to our dream. But it is the dream...the destination that is so clear to me....the HOW...not so much. And this is where surrender comes in. When things are going on in my life that I don't understand or that seem to nearly break me I hold on to my faith that at the other side of the experience things will become clear. Its the whole, hindsight is 20/20 thing....looking back I can see the reasons for experiences that, at the time, seemed completely disconnected.

Nothing is disconnected. This is something I believe in the very core of my being. We really are all connected...everything...literally. It's the whole circle of life thing...action /reaction...prayer/ answer...karma...the law of attraction. What we put out really does come back to us. When we pray...whether to God, the Universe, the Creator (so many names..but I believe the are all the same)...our answers are rarely what we expect..but always what we need.

The visions I have of our future are so clear I could reach out and touch them. I see our home (a place Adam and I both dreamt about when we first met...the same night!) I see our children...the ones that have yet to join our family...I smell them, know them by heart even though I'm quite sure they haven't even been born yet. I see myself...the lines around my eyes, the grey of my hair...a knowing, gentle expression that comes from things I have yet to experience.

I see it all so clearly that I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will be there. I have complete faith that the HOW will happen in the way that it is meant to...the way I don't understand...the way I sometimes fear (there is loss on that path, this much I know). I let go of the need to understand the HOW....we are the WHY...love and life are the Why...the HOW is unknown.

And this is where I surrender. This is where I find freedom. When our actions are out of love...with truth, respect and compassion in mind, they will bring to us love, truth, respect and compassion. These things are so key to fulfillment for me. My life is empty without them and when I embrace them I feel the distance between us and our dreams lessen....or maybe it is that I realise that this IS the dream. Living life this way...focused on the positive, cradling the negative with understanding (or striving too at least)...moving forward with faith and vision.

When Imagine Adoption closed its doors to Canadian families I was stunned. I looked at my contract..still sitting beside my computer, where it has been for almost a year, and said a quite prayer of thanks. You see, I have been holding that contract, reading it and re-reading it, wondering when the moment would come to send it away...to start the process on paper. I have had moments of deep frustration with the way things were flowing in our lives. Asking Why!?! when this love is so huge and true, when my heart is so open, why are things not flowing?? Eventually I embraced patience. I embraced the understanding that things happen for a reason and that the reason is not always clear to us. I wrapped myself in the faith that I KNOW that one day we will be in Ethiopia welcoming our children into our arms, our hearts. Embracing the change and gift that all of that will mean for our family. And I found comfort. And I let go.

When Imagine closed its doors something became so abundantly clear to me. Right now, with moving, with my Dad's illness and all that comes with it, I really don't think that I would have the strength to handle going through what all of those families are going through. I don't know that I would be able to fight the fight......I don't know...maybe I would, but really, I question my strength.

I am washed with a cosmic comfort...really!! When you understand that all the while you have been wondering why....questions, frustrated, angry at times....really you were being gifted with a deeper understanding of yourself then you could ever imagine.

hmmmm.....

I sent away for a package from the other Canadian agency that handles Ethiopian adoptions. They told me they would send me a package but suggested that I look at another country...maybe Haiti. Maybe in their eyes Ethiopia has become too controversial...to sketchy. It doesn't matter to me though. When we are ready to start I KNOW our children will be in Ethiopia and that whatever means we need to bring them home will be there...when its time. And for now I will wrap myself in the blanket that is my faith and I will continue to joyously put one foot in font of the other as I walk this unknown path, home.

like a balm of ~ ((sigh))

I am experiencing all manner of emotion right now........(there's a word for that, but I don't seem to know it) mostly I feel light...like a warm glow...like a balm of ((sigh))...release...relief....

We just accepted an offer on our house!!!!!!!

Only waiting for the removal of a few "subject too's" and we will be officially SOLD!

((breathe))

We have been in limbo for almost a year after doing an insane renovation for 2 years...it is time. We will move by the end of August...back to this little hamlet of loveliness.

And just in time for the beginning of the new "school" year! It perfect......we just need to find our new house☺

The key here is not to hold my breath between now and the subject removal date....

(here are a few pic's from our recent trip to the big city)

~♥ celebrating big, big love ♥~

moments before the birth of Willow

10 years.....a decade....4 children.....3 towns

more love the most people experience is a life time

pure and complete LOVE

(our song)

~cycle-therapy~ making it through the land of wait

I remember the first time I read Oh The Places You'll Go by good ol' Dr. Seuss. When I cam to the waiting page I clearly remember thinking to myself "I will never wait like that...I will be to busy living to even notice waiting!" ha.....oh the thoughts of youth. And now, here I am living in the land of wait on so many levels...trying to remember to live while I wait. trying (sometimes desperately) to hold onto the joy of the moment while I do my very best not to notice every single tick of the clock...

waiting for the house to sell

waiting to travel and visit all our family (its been years)

waiting to move

waiting to find out about my dad's cancer treatment

waiting to start my doula/childbirth prep class business

waiting to open my ETSY fundraiser shop

waiting for hubby to record

waiting to begin our adoption process

waiting....waiting...waiting

In so many ways I have felt like our whole life is on hold...so much hanging on the selling of our house. There are so many things we decided not to do this summer "because our house will sell". And when it sells we will take our children on the much anticipated trip across Canada so that we can visit all of our family in the east who we haven't seen for years. And then we'll move.

But for now...waiting...back to waiting....

So I have decided recently "to hell with waiting!" I HAVE to do something or I am going to loose my mind, literally. I have started making play dates...my kids having sleepovers...saying yes to performance dates....yes to camping trips. If I have to cancel last minute my pep's will understand, heck, they are people who I love and who love me...they see this wacky tortured frame I have been (or maybe not if I'm that good at hiding it).

My hubby says I need to get myself really involved in some kind of Ethiopian Aid organization so that, even though the waiting will continue for a while longer, I can still feel productive. He's right (as usual...he knows me so well) That has been my plan all along but somehow, amidst all this waiting, especially the uncertainty around my Dad, I got sidetracked. So, to all you folks who are on the Ethiopia train, help?? can you share you wisdom? send me links??

Another way I have been making it through...that helps not only me but our children (who reflect my heart and mind so clearly). is to bike. It is physical activity, it is challenging....we breathe in the beautiful, clean air and are lifted by the very action. If ever there is a moment when we are out of balance we hop on the bikes and by the time we get home there is a calm that remains with us for the rest of the day.

How do you cope with waiting? How do you get through those challenging moments that are completely out of our hands? (or, at least it appears that way)

Willow and Noah peeking from within their snazzy ride

enjoying a romp in the greenbelt..a wonderful biking destination

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

I am covered completely in goose bumps, tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, for the third time this week!

I have been moved in ways I can't even describe by watching these amazing families go through the struggles and joys of waiting..."waiting with the infinite patience of those who have little choice but to wait" (~ from Cutting for Stone by A.V.)
I have been moved by the courage of these families as they reach across the world with hearts so completely open, welcoming in the kind of wonder from which dreams are made..the very best dreams. The deepest, truest kind of LOVE...big, big love...love divine!

So here I sit, celebrating for Julie and Steven...people I have never met...in such a deep way. Welcoming into their family FOREVER a sweet little Chunk of Love and a darling Degas Ballerina in a Blue Dress. You can read about their amazing journey over at The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened!

Congratulations guys!! You are such an inspiration to me in more ways then you can imagine!
(The Wish Bearer sure is making her rounds this week!!♥♥♥)

♥~woohooo!!!! Another family passes court!!~♥

What a magical week!!!

After a VERY long wait and 7...count them, 7 court dates!!! Nicky and Jrock over at Rowan Family Tree are finally the ridiculously proud parents of beautiful, twin, nearly 3 year old girls: Sugar and Spice!

I am so, so, so happy for you guys!! Your daughters are stunning. I have so much admiration for the strength you showed during this painstaking process. Those girls are so blessed to have you loving and advocating for them.

Congratulations!

(she is called The Wish Bearer...seems she is making her rounds this week)

♥♥♥~THEY PASSED COURT!!!!!!!♥♥♥

K...I am so ridiculously happy for Courtney and Jason over at Dandies in The Sunshine who just passed court and are officially the beaming proud parents of the super cute, cuter then a button Solomon!!!

Guys, I am so, so, so happy for you! Your son is a beautiful miracle and I believe you are just as much a gift to him as he is to you!

(she is called The Wish Bearer....seems she was visiting you!)

~of my Dad and cancer~

That's it.

My Dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 cm tumor in his right lung...possibly operable although they are doing test right now to see if its spread elsewhere.

my first thought. Damn cigarettes. you can't smoke for 50 years and not expect some negative side effect.

second thought. stupid man. stupid man for smoking for 50 years knowing full well that it was not a good thing to be doing to his body.

third thought. damn big business for being so damned concerned with big money that they don't give a sh*t about the fact that they're peddling death.

fourth thought. damn big money for owning all the pharmaceutical companies who make even more big money off of all the people who get sick and need crazy amounts of medical interventions.

damn you all!....grrrrrrrrr

fifth thought. damn me for trying to place blame when really what I need to do is spend my energy sending out big,. big love.

sh*t...sh*T...SH*T

isn't there a manual for "how to deal with an issue so multi layered that really, is there a beginning?"

well?

no?

I thought not. ((sigh)

(funny...this whole conversation happened in my head over the course of about 5 minutes...yeah, I'm well practiced at talking with myself)

My Dad and I have not always been close. We have had issues. Lots of issues. But somehow, over the past few years we have come to a place where there is forgiveness and acceptance. A place of firm boundaries and removed expectations. A place where healing and respect can flourish and honesty is welcomed. A place that is what it is....nothing more, nothing less.

In the past year my Dad and I have had some amazing conversations. Conversations on topics I never thought he would even be aware of, let alone have deep conversations about. During his winter illness (he has been really sick for almost a year) he became aware of the healing power of food. He started drinking a super-food juice combo that changed his life. My dad drinks coke and coffee, eats cheese and meat...and cheese..and meat.... he's drinking a super-food juice!!! Becoming more aware of the effects of all food on his body/life and striving to make a change there.

We've talked about alternative therapy's for cancer treatment. We've talked about foods and supplement's that have been shown to fight cancer and strengthen the body. He is optimistic (most of the time) and feels like he can really beat this. I believe he can.

I came to realize something the other day. I am so thankful for these last few years. To see such a change in him...like he woke up after a lifetime of sleep. There are people who "sleep" right up until the day death comes for them, never having known what it was like to open their eyes.

But him...his eyes are opening, slowly. And I wonder if his illness doesn't have something to do with that.

♥~Okanagan Life: Faces of Adoption~♥

I just read this article and it made me smile....beaming on this Thursday morning. I LOVE that the stories of these fab-tastic families, formed in ways that sit somewhere out side the box of normality, are being celebrated and highlighted in such a wonderful way. What a great opportunity to educate people about adoption!

"Beyond blood, beyond race, beyond class, beyond nationality, beyond religion, there is a greater force that holds families together. It knows no borders. It knows no limit. And it can be found in these Okanagan faces of adoption"

Click on the magazine cover to read the full article...there are loads of adoption links at the bottom of the page. Happy reading!


xo
Jenn

wow..for me?? really??!!

I must share my excitement....I just can't keep it to myself!! So, my dear friend A makes an announcement at dance class that there is going to be a Tribal Fusion belly dance workshop happening on the coast in March. Ooooooo, I say, who, where, when??? Ariellah she say.....Ariellah?! Really??!!

Okay, I tend to watch a fair bit of YouTube. Tribal belly dance videos specifically, and miss Ariellah happens to be one of the few dancers that I really enjoy. She does gothic belly dance, which, while it is not quite my thing, is still rather striking. The way she moves. Her expression and choreography are amazing! So, needless to say I am tempted, REALLY tempted to go. Just to top it off, A lets me know that if I can't afford it I can go along with her as her "helper". She manufactures tribal belly dance clothes and imports jewelry from the far reaches of the earth and will be the only vendor at the event...a vendor in need of a helper.

So here in begins my struggle. You see, I have never been without my Sweetie Boy. The longest we have been apart was last year when I took a day long workshop 5 minutes from my house. This is entirely different. I will be 5 hours away. Gone from early Friday until late Sunday. Now, Sweetie boy is super secure and LOVES being with Dad-e-o. Heck, on weekend I'm not even aloud to get the wee one out of his car seat...."Daddy me out, Daddy!" okay, okay, I hear you.
Not only that but he rarely nurses (well, except on days like today where I swear he thinks he's a newborn again!) only a few time a day, and he doesn't nurse during the night anymore.

The truth of the matter is that it will be harder on me then it will be on him. So, after days of deliberation and consultation I have decided...........

...............drum roll please..............

to go!
I am sooooo excited. I start making plans to spend all dance free time with my soul sista Jess, ecstatic to have a night out in the big city. But as I'm going over all these plans I begin to think, maybe, just maybe, there is some way I could spend my time more wisely. I mean, if I' going to be spending time away shouldn't I be doing something functional?? something logical??

So I start looking into doula training programs in the area. I have a whole shwack of training and workshops under my belt but I'm missing one bit of certification that I need for this job for a government funded organization that will pay for Doula's for young mama's and those who don't have the funds to pay for a Doula themselves. I REALLY want to work there, and they have been patiently waiting for Sweetie boy to be old enough that I can leave him with Dad-e-o to attend births.

Well, as I'm driving Dad-e-o back to work one afternoon (we share a truck right now) I ask him what his thoughts are on me choosing to take the Doula training instead of the dance workshop. It's a bit more expensive, I explain, but it will mean an income for me in the not to distant future AND I can add it to my bushel of certificates when I apply for midwifery school a few years from now.

He turn and looks at me....trys not to laugh.

What? I say....am I missing something.

Apparently so...He goes on to say, in a VERY sarcastic tone, that I don't deserve to have things for ME, and that how could I even think of spending money on myself...lazy, good for nothing, selfish women...
by now he IS laughing.

What? I just...well I mean, I thought that if I had to choose one the Doula would be more logical!

He looks at me again, seriously this time. "Do both.....if you had to do one I would say go dance...go do something for you that has NOTHING to do with children. Refuel! You deserve this!"

Honestly, the though NEVER crossed my mind. I so rarely spend money on myself (not that we have money to spend). There is always a child who needs a coat, or a truck that needs a part, or property tax that needs to be paid. There is never money left over for mama. Let alone money for me to take 2 workshops, both things I LOVE with a passion.

The rest of the drive I could barely contain my excitement. I kept looking over at him with this stupid grin on my face like I had just won the lottery or something. The truth is I feel like I have. I feel appreciated, like he actually sees me. Sees everything I do for our family, all the sacrifices I make out of love for our children. He is saying thank you, and I will say your welcome...and I will go, with a heart full of gratitude!!

~With our own 12 hands~

For those of you who have been reading for a while you will remember that our house is for sale. (new readers~ my first few posts talk a bit about this if you feel so inclined to read back) After months and months of ceaseless labour our finished home was placed on the market....and there it has sat. We took it of for a few weeks to take care of some banking business and last night we re-listed, lowering the price.

Dad-e-o and I had a great conversation after our realtor left and the kids were tucked in. The question we mulled...What are we going to do? What do we want?

We've been kind of avoiding both of these thoughts. Just enjoying this time of quiet and the break from such heavy work. We've briefly checked out listings, but there is nothing we're interested in.

When we first started working on our house with the vision to sell held steadily in focus, we planned to build when we sold. We weren't just planning to build any ol' house but a passive solar straw bale home of our own design. And while we built?? we planned to live in a yurt and enjoy the simple life. We wanted to become a self sufficient as possible...a huge garden and green house, chickens, goats...maybe even horses. We wanted Dad-e-o to be able to build a shop/studio on our property and create his art at home. We wanted to live as minimalistaically as possible and build our house by bartering with friends and trading with other folks who would become friends. We wanted to reduce our mortgage to nearly nothing so that we can actually LIVE our life and take time to do all of the things that we dream of doing.

As our house came nearer to completion we realized 2 things. (well, many things actually, but 2 more predominant) 1. That building a house ourselves while homeschooling and such was a LOT of work...maybe more then we wanted to tackle at this point. and 2. that we couldn't afford to buy vacant land because the bank wanted us to finish our house on what we consider to be a totally unrealistic time frame. We wanted to build our house slowly...without the stress of dates pushing us to burn ourselves out.

So we decided to look into buying a house on acreage...a relatively finished house. The thing is, every time we look we get this feeling like we should just turn off the computer and do something else. Like we are somehow missing the other part of the picture.

We were sitting last night, in the living room, Dad-e-o putting fresh strings on a few of our guitars, me nursing sleepy Sweetie Boy, ponder the questions.....what do we really want?

Are we going to buy some house that doesn't need a tone of work? A house that will essentially keep us right where we are....in a place that doesn't equate to our life style. A house that leaves us with an "affordable" mortgage. A house that is so conducive to this typical western way of living...a way of living that we will settle for?

Something just feels wrong about that.

So then maybe we should just stay here? This house has been transformed into something that is not only esthetically beautiful but energetically as well. We have used as many "green" building methods as we could. We designed it so that the energy of a large family could flow through it in a calm manner, where there is a place for everything. It is on 3/4 of an acre in a beautiful neighborhood close to all "amenities". This house is nicer then anything we can afford...granted we can transform a hole in the ground into something breathtaking in a matter of months BUT....

we need to keep moving forward. We need to keep our vision in our minds. We can't just settle for mediocrity because the market is slower, it's easier or because our vision requires work. Something else that I've realized is that I actually LIKE work..really hard work that keeps you so busy you don't have time to be bored or idle. Work that propels you towards something, manifesting the vision with your own 2 hands. There is something so soulfully rewarding about this kind of work.

As our conversation moved and shifted we came to realize that on sooo many levels we NEED to keep our focus on our vision. Every time we try to shift our focus to a more "normal" picture it just feels wrong. And so we went to bed with a renewed inspiration...we may not know exactly how, but we will manifest our vision, with our own 2 hands....well, with our own 12 hands.

(and more when our new babies come home...many hands create light work)

(You can scroll down to the bottom of the page to turn off the music and listen to the video)

~manifesting the dream~

I can barely believe how full my heart is! Bursting in fact.

~~~A dream is a wish your heart makes, when your fast asleep~~~

my heart made a wish when I was fast asleep, snuggled into my sisters bed. our tiny forms cradled beneath the weight of blankets and happenings too intense for ones so small. the heart of a child is a resilient thing...inspired by pain and troubles with a need to change the world.

I think both our hearts made wishes all those years ago. Wishes that would motivate us to push beyond our circumstances. Wishes that would force us to become more then the layers of our history ever expected.

Dreams of childhood can reappear when you least expect it. As a vision in the most grief stricken times.....a vision that pulls us through and propels us beyond that moment. As a mantra that becomes so much more then a dream as adulthood's experience shifts dreams into reality.

I am a shifter of dreams.

So often we hear people declare, as they reach the end of their lives, that life passed them by. We humans get so caught up in then happenings of every day life; bill payments, mortgages, job advancement, saving for retirement, making crazy amounts of money...or at least trying to, amassing mountains of stuff. We forget that we need soulful fulfillment. We NEED to take time to manifest our dreams into reality. We NEED to experience miracles....wondrous and beautiful....unexplainable. We NEED to listen to the wind and answer when we feel called to do more.

In my dreams I was in a desolate place....enveloped in poverty and grief. I heard the cries of babies....hundreds of babies, desperate to be held, to be nursed....to be Loved. And I Loved them. I Loved them so much that I thought I would burst. So much that I felt the very core of me change with it. Love. so much Love.

And I held them. All of them, nourished by my breast and the heart that beat beneath. Bathed in the light that true Love radiates.

The crying stopped. solace called and a peaceful calm replied. we were together, we were healed. by Love.

So here I am, so many moons later. My dream, my mantra beating within my heart. And now the Love that was conceived by my childhood dream sees the potential for a shift into reality.

I am humbled. exhilarated. frightened. inspired. moved to tears. overwhelmed. propelled. focused. elated...Brave.........

I am taking it slow, for on this journey I am not alone. My husband humbles me with his faithful support. There are moments when I doubt that he will be with me here on this path, but I am endlessly warmed by his presence beside me. His steadfast belief in me...even when my dreams bring me to a place so far from anything that resembles "the norm", finds me reassured.

We have talked about these dreams since we first met and even when I am doubtful of my path he reminds me of the truth within me and my ability to answer this call with Strength and Love. Love. regardless of the judgments laid upon us or the opinions of others. He knows my heart and soul. He knows that we NEED to follow our dreams to fruitation, to find fulfillment in this fleeting life.

And so the shift has happened.....dream, wish, reality..... and this leg of the journey begins.