being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!

12.and.a.half.years. 

I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?

   

"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"

painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

Our sweet Eden

This beautiful child.....

I can barley believe how big she is!! so tall...so graceful!

I just need to gush and beam at the marvel that is our Eden.

Tonight we went to dress rehearsal...preparing for this springs dance competitions. Getting used to their choreography on the big stage...bright lights.

Today I put makeup on her for the first time ever. She was so nervous...afraid that her eyes would somehow be damaged.

I love that in all of her sweet innocence there has yet to be a draw to the pop culture of make up and hair...fashion and boys.

I love that she still loses herself in imaginative play for hours on end.

I love to watch her nuture her siblings...the beautiful card she made for our sick Willow yesterday.

I love that she creates beauty and art out of the seemingly mundane...pine neddle crowns and scrap paper dolls

I love that she and her pal (pictured below) spend their days building forts together and drawing detailed maps of imaginary lands.

I love that they are children, shifting and blossoming into womanhood with out a sense of urgency.

Gently...

I love that they sing all the time.

because I am touched deeply and inspired.....

all you mama's out there need to read this.

~They'll call me Freedom~

(post edited because apparently the video was cause my blog to freeze up, I switched it to a new one....does it work now?)

This song is playing in my mind. A loop in which I hear the generations that come after this joining in some kind of strange ethereal voice. exultant.

It touches me deeply.

I weep when it plays.

My children singing in chorus declaring this song amazing! beautiful! their favorite.

I feel like its my song...a different kind of war, a different kind of struggle in a very different country.

But you can call me freedom, just like a waving flag.

I am oh so grateful.

To hear more by K Naan go here

My Arsenal of Weapons

Here I ebb. Here I pull back. I retreat into that space of home and hearth and family. A space of gentle days and low pressures. A space where I do my damnedest to reduce my stress as much as humanly possible.

Times are heavy., Hearts are heavy. This seems to be the tone in the lives of so many that I hold close. This odd time where the little lights that shine are oh-so brilliant, but the heaviness seems to be casting shadows long and dark.

I've done something that I tend to do. Leapt in with both feet. Loaded my plate high with the bounty of life, of this new land and all these wonderful people. Forgot that I am dealing with some of the biggest stresses of my life. Expected that I, the super human mama, could do it ALL. Do it all while tenderly cradling the hearts of all I know who are in pain. Forgot that I too have a heart that is in pain. That I need to cradle myself...to let go of the overflowing plate.

We are living in a new house, a house that we don't own. We are living in a town that we've been away from for 4 1/2 years in an area that holds much painful history for me. There are oh so many amazing aspects of being here. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard, or that there is a part of me that is mourning the loss of our old "life". I need to allow myself the time to settle...and that with 4 children it may take a LONG time!

and..

My dad is dying and it scares the shit out of me. I am realizing this. He is coming to live with us which also scares the shit out of me. (we have a separate suite in our house so it is perfect for him) I worry for him. I worry for me, for our children. For my husband. How do people do this?!

Most of the time I feel grateful for this time. To know that we have time to say goodbye. Time to cherish one another. But it is HARD! so hard to watch him suffer. So hard to let go of my "organized" nature and just BE with this without knowing how it will flow. So hard to let go of all of the things that I "do" with my time that I just can't do anymore....not now anyway.

I tend to get sick when I am burnt out. Anxiety creeps in and I sink into the depths of the overwhelmed. Fortunately I have come to understand that if I reduce my stresses (the ones that I am in control of anyway) it makes a world of difference. So I am setting out to navigate these frightful seas with my "arsenal of weapons"

I am setting aside expectations. I am clearing my calendar. I am coming if I can make it. I am sorry for the inconvenience but I know that I am surrounded by loved ones who understand.

I am snuggling in bed with my kids. I am having long phone chats with my Dad while he prepares for the move. I am cooking dinner with my husband and listening to him play his music with eyes closed and heart open. I am holding him, laughing with him, crying with him. I am crafting, sewing. I am wearing my pj's still. I am excepting the loving help of my friends. I am taking bubble baths with lots of kiddo's and lots of toys. I am looking into the faces of my children and being filled with awe at their beauty. I am running my fingers through their hair, kissing their foreheads, inhaling their glorious fragrances. I am taking deep breaths. Reminding myself to be gentle with my words, my energy.

I am going outside. Fresh air, head to the sky.

I am turning off the computer. I am watch "feel good" movies, romantic comedies, love stories, fantasy action adventure. I am listening to books on tape with arm loads of babes and blankets...thanks you CS Lewis! I am reading cook books and making grocery lists. I am drinking tea, drinking more water, taking my supplements, eating more apples. We are collecting beach glass...remembering that we have a beach and that we can be there everyday. I am remembering the WE.

I am opening up in sweet surrender....

~So goose-pimply profound~

I've been going through some intense transitions with all this moving. A huge part of that has been really understanding that our adoption is at least a year if not 2 away (or more). I have been shifting from being future focused (when we sell our house.../when we move.../when we adopt...) to being present focused (right now we can bike/craft/play/study/make music/dance/be part of our community/put down roots/home school passionately) Its a major shift for me because for so long it has been the other way. For so long we worked on our home and put our energy towards our vision of the future while manifesting the now. Now we are renting. Now there is no house that requires all of our time and money. Now we have time...

So, the point of the story...so goose-pimply profound.

When I was in Vancouver at the Birthing from Within Workshop I got the stomach flu (on the last day). My mind was full and whirling with thoughts of our children, our new home, the now, teaching birth classes/doing doula work. I was thinking so much about the transitions I was experiencing as a mother. How I would not be a pregnant women again. That my baby would wean himself with in the next year or so and that I wouldn't nurse again until we adopt. I was NOT focused on thoughts of Ethiopia, our children, adoption. (well, not obsessively anyway...it might have come up once or twice ☺) Partially consciously and then unconsciously.

On my last night in Vancouver I was feeling really trapped. The little basement suite that I was staying in was stuffy and musty so I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air (this was before I realized that I had the stomach flu). So I'm walking...down the busy city streets...all the sounds, all the smells, and I realize that I haven't been looking at anything...just the ground. So I start looking in the Windows of the shops as I pass. After a while I realize that I've only looked to my left and that there's a whole other side to the street so my gaze crosses the road.....and settles directly on and Ethiopian restaurant!! I stop dead in my tracks. process...do I go in? do I order something and take it back? do I continue to stand here staring like a crazy women? I was so sick, so overwhelmed with being away from my family...I was not prepared to be brought into this very intense head space...my heart is hammering like crazy because, didn't I just decide that I was going to live in the now?? So, I choose to keep walking. Shake my head a few times...take a few deep breathes....keep walking. Live in the now...let go of something that is, at this point, so very far away.

Ahead I see I beautiful mural painted on the side of a building....full of color, bursting with life energy in the middle of the sketchy east side. An Oasis...light in a very dark place.

I decide that I'm going to go check it out before I head back. So I do. I stop and let the beauty of it fill me. I'm feeling inspired. Feeling purpose full. As my eyes dance across the vast piece of magic a glint of brass catches, attracts me. I step closer, realizing that it is a plac describing what the mural is about.

I step closer still, read the words.

I see the word Orphan....

My lungs seem to have forgotten how to breathe. I gasp and it comes out as a choking sob. I break down. There on a street corner in busy downtown Vancouver I fall apart. Completely.

Maybe it was because I was so sick. Maybe it was because I missed my family so much and felt so oddly separated form my life. But this? this brought me right back to the center of this dream...this vision that I have had since I was tiny, that has been a huge focus for so many moons.

Here, away from everything that is familiar to me, I heard our children. I saw them dance across my vision. I felt them so intensely that I thought I might explode. I felt our family. The whole, the complete, the joy and pain of all of our facets that make us US. The threads that create our tapestry....the words that create our story. The punctuation.

Remember to breathe.....

Eventually my feet start moving again. The tears keep rolling. I take a back street until my face begins to resemble something reminiscent of normal.

I return to the wee basement suite. I continue on with being sick...my mind whirling in a whole new way (or old way, depending on your perspective) Somehow, the next day, I make it home. driving 5 hours solo with the stomach flu: not recommended!

So here I am now. 2 weeks later. Processing my trip, the workshop (which was amazing in many ways). Realizing that being away from my family is not something I'm willing to do again. (Its just not worth it to me....and worthy of a whole separate post!)

I am understanding that there is no "back shelf" in my mind that I can place my passion for Ethiopia and our children on. No "back burner" that would ever be sufficient to simmer this while I focus on other things. I have come to understand that this is so much a part of me that I need to have it as part of my life, even if we don't adopt for 5 years...or 10 years....or 6 months! That time frame is something I need to surrender, the control over that....surrender the need to control. I need to embrace my faith that when the time is right, when we are ready, when our children are ready it WILL happen.

wow....not what I was expecting to get out of that weekend!! And somehow all the whirling that has been going on in my mind since we began our move seems to be no more then a breeze. A breeze that touches my cheek and reminds me of who I am...no matter where we live.

I am so very thankful.

(this is the mural, although when I saw it it was cradled in the dark of night)

~this path~

As time progress we find ourselves on a different path then we started. Somewhere along the way we veered..maybe toward something sweet...or dark and mysterious...at any rate when I look around now I find myself in a place I've never been that is still, somehow familiar.

I am a strong believer in our abilities to manifest our dreams...faith in that...no matter which path we walk down...is what gives me courage to take steps off the beaten path. It gives me strength to forage our own path even when those around us declare us insane for our methods. As the years pass I see so clearly how our faith and optimism has led us, time and time again, to where we need to be....closer to our vision...closer to our dream. But it is the dream...the destination that is so clear to me....the HOW...not so much. And this is where surrender comes in. When things are going on in my life that I don't understand or that seem to nearly break me I hold on to my faith that at the other side of the experience things will become clear. Its the whole, hindsight is 20/20 thing....looking back I can see the reasons for experiences that, at the time, seemed completely disconnected.

Nothing is disconnected. This is something I believe in the very core of my being. We really are all connected...everything...literally. It's the whole circle of life thing...action /reaction...prayer/ answer...karma...the law of attraction. What we put out really does come back to us. When we pray...whether to God, the Universe, the Creator (so many names..but I believe the are all the same)...our answers are rarely what we expect..but always what we need.

The visions I have of our future are so clear I could reach out and touch them. I see our home (a place Adam and I both dreamt about when we first met...the same night!) I see our children...the ones that have yet to join our family...I smell them, know them by heart even though I'm quite sure they haven't even been born yet. I see myself...the lines around my eyes, the grey of my hair...a knowing, gentle expression that comes from things I have yet to experience.

I see it all so clearly that I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will be there. I have complete faith that the HOW will happen in the way that it is meant to...the way I don't understand...the way I sometimes fear (there is loss on that path, this much I know). I let go of the need to understand the HOW....we are the WHY...love and life are the Why...the HOW is unknown.

And this is where I surrender. This is where I find freedom. When our actions are out of love...with truth, respect and compassion in mind, they will bring to us love, truth, respect and compassion. These things are so key to fulfillment for me. My life is empty without them and when I embrace them I feel the distance between us and our dreams lessen....or maybe it is that I realise that this IS the dream. Living life this way...focused on the positive, cradling the negative with understanding (or striving too at least)...moving forward with faith and vision.

When Imagine Adoption closed its doors to Canadian families I was stunned. I looked at my contract..still sitting beside my computer, where it has been for almost a year, and said a quite prayer of thanks. You see, I have been holding that contract, reading it and re-reading it, wondering when the moment would come to send it away...to start the process on paper. I have had moments of deep frustration with the way things were flowing in our lives. Asking Why!?! when this love is so huge and true, when my heart is so open, why are things not flowing?? Eventually I embraced patience. I embraced the understanding that things happen for a reason and that the reason is not always clear to us. I wrapped myself in the faith that I KNOW that one day we will be in Ethiopia welcoming our children into our arms, our hearts. Embracing the change and gift that all of that will mean for our family. And I found comfort. And I let go.

When Imagine closed its doors something became so abundantly clear to me. Right now, with moving, with my Dad's illness and all that comes with it, I really don't think that I would have the strength to handle going through what all of those families are going through. I don't know that I would be able to fight the fight......I don't know...maybe I would, but really, I question my strength.

I am washed with a cosmic comfort...really!! When you understand that all the while you have been wondering why....questions, frustrated, angry at times....really you were being gifted with a deeper understanding of yourself then you could ever imagine.

hmmmm.....

I sent away for a package from the other Canadian agency that handles Ethiopian adoptions. They told me they would send me a package but suggested that I look at another country...maybe Haiti. Maybe in their eyes Ethiopia has become too controversial...to sketchy. It doesn't matter to me though. When we are ready to start I KNOW our children will be in Ethiopia and that whatever means we need to bring them home will be there...when its time. And for now I will wrap myself in the blanket that is my faith and I will continue to joyously put one foot in font of the other as I walk this unknown path, home.

~your opinion please~

At the end of August we are going camping with a whole shwack of families from the "little hamlet of loveliness"

...exciting? yes.

inspiring? yes.

do we all fit in our little 3 man tent? no.

do we need gear? yes....everything from cook stoves/coolers/stuff.......



So for all you camping folks out there: What is your favorite, must have camping item?

It has been years since we last tented it.....hmmm....pre-kids?? (I know, I know....but seriously...4 kids+moving+renovations+homeschooling=VERY busy!!) We are determined to be fully outfitted so that we can make camping a regular event...at least a few times a year. I find it kinda odd that we haven't been in so lone...Adam and I both LOVE camping/ kayaking/ canoeing/ hiking.

First on the list: a tent that will endure weather/many ups&downs/ruff and tumble kiddo's and big enough for our growing family (8 person)


my thought: Big Agnes Flying Diamond 8 Tent

a bit more $ but it seems super durable and I can order it the Mountain Equipment Co-op.

hmmm...okay outdoorsy folks...I need your expertise!

♥~ode to D~♥

oh sweet little D, how I love you so!!

D is my nephew. He captured my heart when my sister called and said "guess what? In 2 hours there will be a 6 week old baby living in my house!!"


"really?!!" I squeal...tears start and I don't even know anything about him yet. It doesn't matter because I love him already. We go on a mad dash to prep her very un-ready house for baby. I call a friend (hugs) who has a bunch of baby stuff in storage and she totally outfits my sis with all the goodies one could possibly need for a baby. We load it in my truck and I drive it on up. I open the door and officially melt into a pool of "I love D" mush on the floor. I wonder if I put him down at all during that visit?? Oh, I must have because I had my sweet ball of baby Noah who was only 1 at the time. Anyway....

He is my chocolate kiss. My smiling bliss. I can't imagine him not being my nephew.


When I started think about this post I was feeling kinda guilty that I haven't written about my other nieces and nephews yet. I have 2 nieces, and 5 nephews...all of whom I adore and love in a big, huge...auntie-jenns-the-next-best-thing-to-mama kinda way. All of whom deserve there own posts, which I will write at some point when the urge is overwhelming.

like now, for instance:

Yesterday my sis dropped of her 5 littlest ones while she took B, my oldest nephew (who's officially taller then me [5'9"] and only 12!!) to his first summer camp.

The older kids went and played outside, 2 year old M had a nap and D and I spent some time chillin' just the 2 of us. (a rare and precious moment)

I love him....he's so yummy I could just gobble him up....

D helping with the recycling...he sorted everything nicely into the toy basket but absolutely had to turn this one, uncrushed box into his super-D helmet!

oh dear, I've been busted

retreat!!


so fun being chased by Auntie

must continue the amazing cuteness and climb onto the table

oh, so much love!!!

~cycle-therapy~ making it through the land of wait

I remember the first time I read Oh The Places You'll Go by good ol' Dr. Seuss. When I cam to the waiting page I clearly remember thinking to myself "I will never wait like that...I will be to busy living to even notice waiting!" ha.....oh the thoughts of youth. And now, here I am living in the land of wait on so many levels...trying to remember to live while I wait. trying (sometimes desperately) to hold onto the joy of the moment while I do my very best not to notice every single tick of the clock...

waiting for the house to sell

waiting to travel and visit all our family (its been years)

waiting to move

waiting to find out about my dad's cancer treatment

waiting to start my doula/childbirth prep class business

waiting to open my ETSY fundraiser shop

waiting for hubby to record

waiting to begin our adoption process

waiting....waiting...waiting

In so many ways I have felt like our whole life is on hold...so much hanging on the selling of our house. There are so many things we decided not to do this summer "because our house will sell". And when it sells we will take our children on the much anticipated trip across Canada so that we can visit all of our family in the east who we haven't seen for years. And then we'll move.

But for now...waiting...back to waiting....

So I have decided recently "to hell with waiting!" I HAVE to do something or I am going to loose my mind, literally. I have started making play dates...my kids having sleepovers...saying yes to performance dates....yes to camping trips. If I have to cancel last minute my pep's will understand, heck, they are people who I love and who love me...they see this wacky tortured frame I have been (or maybe not if I'm that good at hiding it).

My hubby says I need to get myself really involved in some kind of Ethiopian Aid organization so that, even though the waiting will continue for a while longer, I can still feel productive. He's right (as usual...he knows me so well) That has been my plan all along but somehow, amidst all this waiting, especially the uncertainty around my Dad, I got sidetracked. So, to all you folks who are on the Ethiopia train, help?? can you share you wisdom? send me links??

Another way I have been making it through...that helps not only me but our children (who reflect my heart and mind so clearly). is to bike. It is physical activity, it is challenging....we breathe in the beautiful, clean air and are lifted by the very action. If ever there is a moment when we are out of balance we hop on the bikes and by the time we get home there is a calm that remains with us for the rest of the day.

How do you cope with waiting? How do you get through those challenging moments that are completely out of our hands? (or, at least it appears that way)

Willow and Noah peeking from within their snazzy ride

enjoying a romp in the greenbelt..a wonderful biking destination

~raising eco/organic kiddo's on a tiny income~ also know as the crazy long blog post

I spend a fair amount of time with mama's and papa's of young kiddo's or those expecting their first miracle in the oh-so near future. So many conversations seem to circle....posts and posts worth. But one that has come up a lot lately is that of how to provide a green/eco/organic lifestyle for our children when our incomes are small...or heck, when we would just rather not spend excessively. So, here you go...my thoughts, tips and tricks.

As you know we are a home learning family of 6. We survive quite happily on the income my husband makes as a door craftsman. If you were to measure our income against that of the majority we would be placed in the "low income" category. But understand that for us, this is a conscious choice. I could easily go out and work, bumping us up into a higher tax bracket, but for our family it is more important to have me at home with our children. And so we work within our budget to fulfill our needs.

Now not only are we on a strict budget but we also have very high standard for ourselves and our children. It is soooo important to us that they way we live reflects what we believe. We realize that our most powerful vote is done with our dollars. We do not support places like Wal-Mart or McDonalds. We do our best to buy local, organic, handmade, recycled and "green" as much as we possibly can. So what does this look like in the daily lives of our family?

Diapering:

Well, the cheapest way to diaper is, well, to simply not diaper at all! It may sound crazy but Elimination Communication (EC-ing for short) is actually very easy and extremely rewarding. You can start at any age, so even if you're adopting an older baby it is fully possible..and sooo great for bonding! We started EC-ing with Noah when he was 4 months old and had it down within 3 days. We decided after 6 weeks that it wasn't for us as it required so much time and I was very bust homeschooling 3 older children, but I have many friends with 1 or 2 small ones who LOVE it and wouldn't go any other way so..... Check out Diaperfree Baby!

Cloth Diapering has worked best for our family and is what I plan to do with our babies when we adopt. It is cheap, economical, easy to do and gentle on babes skin (use a natural detergent and vinegar) and usually leads to early potty training as they can actually feel when they're wet. We also used wool soakers with Noah which I loved!! (no, they we're not itchy) We used Longies in the colder season and shorties in the summer (or just diaper free). It was great too because he only needed shirts...the soakers doubled as bottoms and are sooo super cute! I did some trade work with a local knitting goddess (canning, wool, shoes) who did a bunch of shorties and longies for Noah..all it cost me was $30 for the wool!

cloth diapering links:

Motherease (we swear by the one size that fit from newby to potty training!)

Aristocrat Wool soakers (the only leak free soaker for night time that we've ever found)

Kozy Designs make beautiful, high quality soakers...Noah still wears his favorite longies as pants even though he's been out of diapers for 7 months!

Diaper Shower makes cleaning poopy diapers a breeze!!

For those who find the art of cloth diapering daunting (its really not as hard as you think!) or for when your traveling etc they're are all kinds of eco options. G-diapers are my fav....compostable/flushable and made from tree pulp...a bit pricey but we only used them for nights when Noah was older or for long outings. Other good brands include 7th Generation chlorine-free disposables, Nature Baby Care (I have a friend who uses these and loves them)

As far as wipes go, we buy bulk packs of baby cloths (about 30 does the trick) and just toss them in the wash with diapers.

Food:

This is our single greatest expense. We eat mostly organic, cook from scratch and buy in bulk when ever we can. (we are part of an organic food co-op and buy sugar/grains/beans etc. is large quantities) With babies there are very few things we buy that are any different then what everyone else eats. We buy Natures Path organic Kamut Puffs (nice and cheap!) for an easy finger food, organic Arrowroot cookies by Healthy Times...that's pretty much it. Sometimes I'll by boxed organic rice or oat cereal and a large jar of organic apple sauce (unless I have some made) and use that for a quick breakfast. For the most part we stay away from pre-made baby foods...even organic ones. The nutritional value in these foods just can't compare with what your baby gets when you make their food yourself. One of the easiest ways to do this (aside from just feeding them what you're eating) is to do up small batches and freeze them in ice cube trays. Yam and quinoa, rice, tofu (or meat) and veggies, fruit and oatmeal...all of these things can be quickly reheated in a little stainless steel measuring cup (NO MICROWAVE!!!!!!) and is ready for baby to enjoy in minutes! Good convenience foods for baby: avocado and banana come in their own handy, dandy packaging! puffed kamut or sliced/grated fruit/veg in a small container (like these). We use a stainless steel sippy cup for water, spent $15 once and have had it for nearly all of Noah's life! (oh, did I mention we only eat out about 4 times a year?? that saves us a huge amount of $$)

Remember you can save huge amounts of money by growing food yourself and canning! Farmers markets often have awesome deals on bulk organic produce and you can preserve you own salsa/pasta sauce/canned fruits for a fraction of the cost of buying pre-packaged stuff! Not to mention that it tastes amazing and you feel good doing it!

Breast really is best! Not only does breast milk have everything your baby needs, it is also free!! Yay! You can breast feed your adopted baby as well! For more info/support go to Le Leche League International! This is what I plan to do when we adopt but I understand that it can be hard to have a full milk supply right away. As far as bottle feeding goes I have never personally done it, but plan to supplement when we need to. My kids have all been breast fed so my personal experience is limited to what I have learned through my sister who has adopted 2 babies. She has used organic formula and glass bottles with both. She does not use a microwave but warmed her babies bottles in hot water. Holding and skin to skin contact are key for bonding while bottle feeding...heck bottle feed in a sling and you can still have one hand free to push the grocery cart!! (can we say multi-tasking!)

Toys and "Stuff":

Less is More...this is the lesson we in the west seem to need to learn over and over and over...in every aspect of our lives. We are constantly trying to declutter/downsize/purge. So why the, I ask you, do we bombard our children with mountains of crap thinking that it will somehow give them fulfillment?? Haven't we already learned that the opposite is true?? hmmm.... I am just as guilty as the next person. I went up into the children's loft to help them clean a few years ago and was blown away by the shear amount of stuff!! Mind you, its not junk. Not cheap plastic stuff...but STILL it stuff...so much stuff!! We had practically the entire natural toy store up there! Who on God's green earth needs that many toys? And the answer...No One! Why? Because they DON"T play with it! Children become overwhelmed they don't know where to start and can usually be found playing with the same toys over and over (if they play with any at all) This goes for baby props too...bouncy seats, exersaucers, things that light up and beep.....ewwwwww!! I have yet to see a baby, surrounded by overstimulating toys who wouldn't rather play with a canning jar ring, spatula and bowl!!!

So, what did we do? We purged. We went through every single thing and whatever they hadn't played with in a long time we packed away. After a few months the kids and I looked at everything and decided to donate it because they realized that they didn't need all of those toys and they wanted them to go to children who don't have the privileged life that we have. (I love that our kids think we are rich!! ;) )

Now, when a holiday or birthday comes we get the children 1 gift each. (and we save so that it is a high quality gift) Something we have put a lot of thought into, often something we have made (like the kids wooden kitchen or Willows Waldorf doll) We usually get them 1 gift to share as well, high quality art supplies, games or books. They have never asked why they don't get a mountain of gifts, they have never felt like they were somehow missing out. We don't experience the overwhelmed sensation that comes (usually followed by a melt down) with excess. It is one of the best choices we have ever made.

Getting Around:

I am a huge advocate of baby wearing! I truly believe that it is best for both mama and babe in so many ways (maybe this deserves its own post?) The bonds that are created by constant contact can not be described unless its is experienced. To always know you child's needs, often before they ever need to cry to express them, is an amazingly empowering thing! When I see mama's carrying around those bulky, heavy bucket seats, rocking them to try and calm the crying baby while trying to fill something out at the bank or pick up the dropped item off the floor I just want to run up to her and hug her and say its OK...here try this (hand her a sling) and watch as her world is transformed. All the baby wants is her, to be carried. But how do you carry baby and big bucket seat?? (you can't)

I have heard many mama's say (and I have said this myself) "I Have tried slings and they just don't work for me." This is not a surprise when you look at the slings out there on the market. Bulky padding, thin fabric, tapered ends. Not good, sucky actually. Not to mention there are few resources to teach you HOW to carry a baby in a sling...sheesh! Spend a bit extra for a carrier that actually works (stay away from snugli!) The best sling I have ever used was made by a local lady...one of her prototypes. She made it out of a woven fabric that has they right combo of stretch and support. The closest thing that I have found to it is the Maya Wrap or the Ellaroo . I have also used the wrap style carriers. I did enjoy them but for me, the quick convenience of a ring sling was the way to go. I carried Noah in his sling exclusively until he was 1, and then I traded off with the Ergo.

I can't say enough about the Ergo!! It is an amazing carrier and as soon as baby starts to feel heavy in the sling it is the ONLY way to go! I have tried high quality frame packs, slinging him on my back, wrapping him on my back and nothing disperses his weight like an Ergo. I can haul fire wood for 2 hours, hike, grocery shop, cook dinner...anything and everything with him happily seated on my back. I have only just now started feeling him after about 30 minutes and he's a very big, almost 3 year old!

Check out the Learn Baby wearing to learn all the many ways you can wear your baby!

Carseats: The most economical way to do the car seat thing is to buy and all-in-one convertible that goes from newborn to booster seat. We don't need to buy a bucket seat just because the come with every stroller set out there. This is a great way to save a bit of $$ and if you buy your convertible on sale..well, even better!

Strollers: The only time I use a stroller is when we go ice skating. So, if you plan to do baby wearing and you don't ice skate you can easily go without a stroller! I do think that if we adopt twins (can you hear the hope in my...um typing?) that I will buy a twin jogger so that I can run with the babies while the older kids ride. Check out craigs list, ebay or freecycle for deals on second hand strollers. My last 2 strollers have been bought/traded second hand and where in amazing condition! (and even got passed on after me!)

Freecycle: for those of you who have never experienced freecycle before, check it out!! Sorted by location you can join a network of people who like to pass things on...for free!! Every morning I get an email from my freecycle community with a list of "to give away" or "wanted". People take what interests them and pass on what they don't need. It is amazing how much kid stuff gets passed on through our lil' freecycle community!!

Clothing:

This is one of those areas where people can go a little crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a sweet pair of shoes or an adorable dress just like the next guy BUT I use restraint....a LOT of restraint. I choose to buy 95% of our clothes second hand...I love thrift shops and consignment stores...so many treasures. You get the bonus of fantastic find plus the moral satisfaction of knowing that you are making a green choice by using something that is already there! (not to mention that, as far as non-organic clothing goes, they have already been washed many times and most, if not all of the heavy dyes/chemicals/fire retardants have been removed!)

I also save anything that is in good condition for the next child in line. If there is no "next child" then I find someone who can use them or donate them to the thrift shop. It never ceases to amaze me how often I hear mama's say "oh, you have a child of such-n-such a size? do you need clothes because I have bags taking up space in my closets!"

Shoes:

This is where I splurge. I LOVE good quality footwear. Our babes stay in soft soled shoes until they are 2-ish. Our #1 favorite for spring/winter/fall is the Padraig slipper. (see if you can spot 3 of our kiddos on the website!) Our whole family wears them...we are in love! lol Sooo cute, so warm. When our kids go outside in the winter they were their Padraigs inside their Stonz booties (even in -25!) We also wear Robeez when we don't need something quite as warm.


hmmmm...now that I've practically written a book I'm sure I've forgotten all kinds of key tips. Oh well, if you have a question that you think I mught be able to answer feel free to ask!

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

I am covered completely in goose bumps, tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, for the third time this week!

I have been moved in ways I can't even describe by watching these amazing families go through the struggles and joys of waiting..."waiting with the infinite patience of those who have little choice but to wait" (~ from Cutting for Stone by A.V.)
I have been moved by the courage of these families as they reach across the world with hearts so completely open, welcoming in the kind of wonder from which dreams are made..the very best dreams. The deepest, truest kind of LOVE...big, big love...love divine!

So here I sit, celebrating for Julie and Steven...people I have never met...in such a deep way. Welcoming into their family FOREVER a sweet little Chunk of Love and a darling Degas Ballerina in a Blue Dress. You can read about their amazing journey over at The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened!

Congratulations guys!! You are such an inspiration to me in more ways then you can imagine!
(The Wish Bearer sure is making her rounds this week!!♥♥♥)

♥♥♥~THEY PASSED COURT!!!!!!!♥♥♥

K...I am so ridiculously happy for Courtney and Jason over at Dandies in The Sunshine who just passed court and are officially the beaming proud parents of the super cute, cuter then a button Solomon!!!

Guys, I am so, so, so happy for you! Your son is a beautiful miracle and I believe you are just as much a gift to him as he is to you!

(she is called The Wish Bearer....seems she was visiting you!)

♥~Okanagan Life: Faces of Adoption~♥

I just read this article and it made me smile....beaming on this Thursday morning. I LOVE that the stories of these fab-tastic families, formed in ways that sit somewhere out side the box of normality, are being celebrated and highlighted in such a wonderful way. What a great opportunity to educate people about adoption!

"Beyond blood, beyond race, beyond class, beyond nationality, beyond religion, there is a greater force that holds families together. It knows no borders. It knows no limit. And it can be found in these Okanagan faces of adoption"

Click on the magazine cover to read the full article...there are loads of adoption links at the bottom of the page. Happy reading!


xo
Jenn

♀~we are wise, wise women, we are giggling girls~♀

Every year on the weekend of the Summer Solstice I pack my backpack and head out to an organic farm co-operative for the Wise Women Solstice retreat. In the 4 years that we have lived here I have always made sure that I make it out to at least part of this weekend of blissful women wonderfulness. This year I asked our oldest daughter, Beena now 11, if she would like to join me since, after all, she is almost a women. Her eyes were so full of light as she exclaimed " really??!!! YES!!". Her next question "mama, can I ask questions?"

You see, one of the things that Beena loves...more then nearly any thing else, is to sit with women, listening to conversations and asking all of the millions of questions that come to her creative mind. Her questions are deep and soulful, sweet and innocent, wistful and adventurous. She was beyond ecstatic to spend the afternoon/evening with all of these wonderful women who welcomed her with open arms, honoured by her inquistiveness and enthusiastic spirit.

Sharing this special, sacred time with our daughter made my day!!! heck, made my.....life!!??!! I have dreamed of doing these things with her when she was a baby...building the bond of our women connection. Strengthening her roots as she comes of age. Giving her confidence and faith in female relationships by inviting her to take part in an event such as this, where women and girls of all age, sizes, walks of life get together and celebrate our similarities and our differences. Having soooo much fun just being together. Relationships that grow year after year. Relationships that share laughter and tears....and food!! oh the food!! It never ceases to amaze me how phenomenal the food is when we all get together. Maybe we should rename the even the Hungry Women's Food Gathering!!lol

It was such a gift to be able to share this magic with my daughter. I am beyond grateful.

♀~base camp~♀

♀~Beena planting her tree~♀

♀~mmm, Greek salad for the feta queen~♀

♀~drumming to start an evening of music~♀

♀~a few of the stops along the fairy walk the Beena helped to create...enchanting lite by candles under the light of the moon~♀

~Praying fro Tuesday~

wow, I am so moved by this story. Illness, a sweet child, a family in need, a mothers pain, LOVE.

Heather over at The Extraordinary Ordinary is donating $1 for every comment made on her blog post We get by with a little help from our friends. Please drop by and comment....every little bit helps.

*update* Tuesday past away on January 30. Donations are still being collected to help her family through the challenging times that lie ahead.

~ A Mothers Fears~ part 1

As mama's I think it is part of our job to have all manner of odd and frightening scenario play through in our minds. I remember the first time I had a frightening/morbid thought~ That somehow my daughter would fly out of the stroller while I was stopped at the curb and get hit by a car. Actually, the visual was much more disturbing then that...all the fears of a new mama packed into one horrifying thought. In all reality it isn't very likely BUT it gave me an element of caution that might not have been there otherwise. And who's to say that that caution didn't save that babe on more then one occasion? Now imagine 11 years of fears. 4 babies. 4 children. All the fears that have translated into different cautions and preparedness.

Sometimes our fears can be a catalyst for change.

One sunny day about 4 and a half years ago, while driving into town with my children, Beena asked me a question.

"What are you afraid of mommy?"

I thought about it for a long time. At that point in my life I had let go of many of my "fears" and was in what I thought to be a much more trusting/positive/faithful place.

I answered "Fear. Fear is what I fear most."

It wasn't long after that that my earth was shaken. First Honey broke her elbow. A 1 year old in a cast is a sad thing indeed! We had vehicle problems. Then we experienced some fairly major family trauma during which I heard fear, real fear, in my husbands voice for the first time. There is still lingering pain from this...I wonder if it will ever heal.

Shortly afterwards I became ill.

Now, I guess the first thing you should understand is that I have struggled with illness all of my life. As a child I seemed to catch everything. As a teen I struggled with symptoms that I didn't understand, and being in a high stress situation (living on my own/working/going to school) from way to early on surly didn't help.

After the birth of my first child my symptoms worsened. I was in pain, exhausted, far to thin. My specialists wanted me to take all kinds of drugs and I was getting 10+ viles of blood taken every few months. I refused to take the prescribed medication. I had done enough research and had enough experience to know that my body reacted horribly to their medication. I would always get nearly every reaction known and be in more misery then when I began.

I told them that I would be taking a natural approach and began an intensive vitamin therapy regime. My health improved and Dad-e-o and I decided we would be open to having another child at this point. I was told that it was very likely I would be to high risk later on in life. After Mr. Bops birth I was healthier then I had ever been. I continued to take supplements and began to eat more and more organic whole foods. We began trying for baby number 3 (which took all of about 2 weeks) and I experienced my healthiest, most vibrant pregnancy yet. Honey was born at home in a swimming pool that we had set up in our living room with no complications. I recovered quickly and felt healthier then ever.

I had healed myself. Through healthy eating, an active lifestyle, loving support and a positive outlook I had done something that I was told was impossible and I was impowered by that.

and then I got sick.

It hit me hard. My body was rocked and my mind along with it. I panicked. How could this be happening? I was healed! what is going on! I could barely move for weeks.

I was so blessed to have my hubby working across the front lawn. He would make the kids breakfast and get them dressed. He would come in on his morning break and change diapers/get snacks. He would be in making lunch and back again at his afternoon break. After work he would make supper, read stories, put kids to bed, do laundry, tidy the house. He was my savior.

I began to see a homeopath after the first few weeks. I was able to eat again the day after the first dose of my remedy. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't been able to eat for far to long and had already lost nearly 30lbs. (did I mention I was thin to begin with?)

One of the things that I struggled with the most during this time was fear. I was experiencing panic attacks and anxiety for the first time in my life. I was so desperately afraid that this was never going to end. That I would never be able to parent my children. To play with them in the sunshine or cook dinner with them. To home school them. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to clean my own house, tend my own garden. I was afraid my husband would look at me and realize he'd made a horrible mistake and leave me.

Fear had taken over.....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

~A tune of their own~

And so begins this account of a wild and crazy life. A life filled with the squeals and screams of small children, the barking of a dog who takes her job of guarding the children very seriously, the sound of construction as we remodel this house and prepare to sell, and, always, melody.

I am filled with melody, filled beyond full to overflowing, unable to hold it in. I sing all the time, tunes from childhood, old gospel, crazy jazz, opera, funk, R&B, folk, blues, roots. I make up words when I can't remember how its "supposed to be sung". I improve and scat, and hummmmmm. This is a gene I seem to have passed on to my lil' guys. I hear their voices. Sometimes distant and sweet, lilting on a breeze. Sometime bold and loud, obnoxious, infectious. Its amazing how there voices can, at times, drive me beyond insane. When a lyric becomes so incessant ("I like big butts and I can not lie" for instance.....thanks Shrek!!) that I it replays even in my dreams. Or, better yet, when I am at the grocery store, by myself, and I'm not only swaying (yes, the baby is at home and still I sway) but I find myself humming that o-so-catchy tune. ((sigh)) ah well, at least I have infused them with a love for music. I am sure as they grow they will continue to broaden my musical horizons.

I wonder I'll be humming in the grocery store 10 years from now??