~green~

I guess I'll sit and write then.

I've sat down at my sewing table.  

stared blankly at half finished projects. 

thought about the dolls I should make for the store that is now carrying them.  

stared at the piles of colorful wool roving.

 

thought about her. 

 

thought about the color green.  

her favorite.  

thought about the beaded bracelet...

green and powerful, made by mama's who are changing their lives through beads...

she was away then.  

missed the bead party.  

she was in the hospital having a bone marrow transplant. 

 

I saw it.  

thought of her.  

thought of the way her amazing smile could light up a room. 

as if she herself were life manifest.  

green and growing.  

when she returned, tired but smiling...finding strength that put me in awe, I gave it to her.  

I didn't know her favorite color was green..

just new that those beads needed to be hers.  

wanted her to remember her powerful life force.  

wanted to empower her.  

wanted to tell her that I loved her.  

that I thought she was one of the most amazing people I ever met.  

wanted to do more, 

to somehow ease her burdens, 

to somehow take away her pain.

I gave her a bracelet.

lost my words.  

told her it reminded me of her.

that's all I said.

maybe I said more...I just remember wishing I had said more

I hoped she heard everything else through my breath.

the things I didn't say.

tomorrow I will travel to her. 

I will say everything that I did not say.

I will wrap her in the warmth of my love and respect.

of my admiration.

I will weep with this overflowing emotion.

I am trying to comprehend this thing that comes into peoples bodies and calls them to another place.

I'm trying not to be angry that it is draining her.  

but I am.

I know she doesn't want to leave him.

her son.

she is holding on for him.

putting on her brave mama face.

her beautiful face that looks at him with longing.

I've never seen that kind of longing in a mamas eyes before.

its almost more then I can bare.

she is his everything.

oh that I could ease her pain.

sweet, sweet mama.

My Arsenal of Weapons

Here I ebb. Here I pull back. I retreat into that space of home and hearth and family. A space of gentle days and low pressures. A space where I do my damnedest to reduce my stress as much as humanly possible.

Times are heavy., Hearts are heavy. This seems to be the tone in the lives of so many that I hold close. This odd time where the little lights that shine are oh-so brilliant, but the heaviness seems to be casting shadows long and dark.

I've done something that I tend to do. Leapt in with both feet. Loaded my plate high with the bounty of life, of this new land and all these wonderful people. Forgot that I am dealing with some of the biggest stresses of my life. Expected that I, the super human mama, could do it ALL. Do it all while tenderly cradling the hearts of all I know who are in pain. Forgot that I too have a heart that is in pain. That I need to cradle myself...to let go of the overflowing plate.

We are living in a new house, a house that we don't own. We are living in a town that we've been away from for 4 1/2 years in an area that holds much painful history for me. There are oh so many amazing aspects of being here. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard, or that there is a part of me that is mourning the loss of our old "life". I need to allow myself the time to settle...and that with 4 children it may take a LONG time!

and..

My dad is dying and it scares the shit out of me. I am realizing this. He is coming to live with us which also scares the shit out of me. (we have a separate suite in our house so it is perfect for him) I worry for him. I worry for me, for our children. For my husband. How do people do this?!

Most of the time I feel grateful for this time. To know that we have time to say goodbye. Time to cherish one another. But it is HARD! so hard to watch him suffer. So hard to let go of my "organized" nature and just BE with this without knowing how it will flow. So hard to let go of all of the things that I "do" with my time that I just can't do anymore....not now anyway.

I tend to get sick when I am burnt out. Anxiety creeps in and I sink into the depths of the overwhelmed. Fortunately I have come to understand that if I reduce my stresses (the ones that I am in control of anyway) it makes a world of difference. So I am setting out to navigate these frightful seas with my "arsenal of weapons"

I am setting aside expectations. I am clearing my calendar. I am coming if I can make it. I am sorry for the inconvenience but I know that I am surrounded by loved ones who understand.

I am snuggling in bed with my kids. I am having long phone chats with my Dad while he prepares for the move. I am cooking dinner with my husband and listening to him play his music with eyes closed and heart open. I am holding him, laughing with him, crying with him. I am crafting, sewing. I am wearing my pj's still. I am excepting the loving help of my friends. I am taking bubble baths with lots of kiddo's and lots of toys. I am looking into the faces of my children and being filled with awe at their beauty. I am running my fingers through their hair, kissing their foreheads, inhaling their glorious fragrances. I am taking deep breaths. Reminding myself to be gentle with my words, my energy.

I am going outside. Fresh air, head to the sky.

I am turning off the computer. I am watch "feel good" movies, romantic comedies, love stories, fantasy action adventure. I am listening to books on tape with arm loads of babes and blankets...thanks you CS Lewis! I am reading cook books and making grocery lists. I am drinking tea, drinking more water, taking my supplements, eating more apples. We are collecting beach glass...remembering that we have a beach and that we can be there everyday. I am remembering the WE.

I am opening up in sweet surrender....

how

how does one get through this...how do I??
tears roll down my cheeks as my husband reaches out to touch me...sooth me....
his presence invites me to spill.
I am open here in a way I don't understand.
I am angry.
I want to help but my hands, tied behind my back, do little that I can see.

when I call..his voice every day seems farther...or closer....like I could reach out and touch him...but the miles stack up like odds against me and I fear them.
I fear their ability to hold me captive like some random psycho bank robber holding me on the other side of a panel of glass.

and then, from somewhere within me comes the cold....the sniffling cold that tells me the miles aren't the only odds I have to dance with. Patience of a new sort is being tested in me as I bath in oil of oregano...pleading for this to go away so that I can traverse the hills and valleys just to say
"I love you"
"your not alone....see?? I am here....here to do nothing more then be..."

be what??

i don't know

be your daughter....and you my father...everything else can fall away...the pain...the cancer...the chemo...years...money...time...miles.....it all means nothing

but I love you...that means something.

~I'm listening for birds~

Hearts bend ‘cause they can’t break

When they can’t take

All that is given to them

Glass eyes on your sad face

It’s a sad story

somebody’s written on you

Love in my heart,

right from the start

So please take me with you

Birds sing out the window

Sing out the window

sing

Do you hear those birds

sing out the window

Sing out the window

sing

Take me with your shovel

We’ll burry all your troubles

All your troubles

Oh the light is always on you

Always in the light

~Shovel by Katie Herzig

Today my dad called. He got the results...

not operable...

chemo...

radiation...

I am listening for the birds...♪♫♪♪♫

~of my Dad and cancer~

That's it.

My Dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 cm tumor in his right lung...possibly operable although they are doing test right now to see if its spread elsewhere.

my first thought. Damn cigarettes. you can't smoke for 50 years and not expect some negative side effect.

second thought. stupid man. stupid man for smoking for 50 years knowing full well that it was not a good thing to be doing to his body.

third thought. damn big business for being so damned concerned with big money that they don't give a sh*t about the fact that they're peddling death.

fourth thought. damn big money for owning all the pharmaceutical companies who make even more big money off of all the people who get sick and need crazy amounts of medical interventions.

damn you all!....grrrrrrrrr

fifth thought. damn me for trying to place blame when really what I need to do is spend my energy sending out big,. big love.

sh*t...sh*T...SH*T

isn't there a manual for "how to deal with an issue so multi layered that really, is there a beginning?"

well?

no?

I thought not. ((sigh)

(funny...this whole conversation happened in my head over the course of about 5 minutes...yeah, I'm well practiced at talking with myself)

My Dad and I have not always been close. We have had issues. Lots of issues. But somehow, over the past few years we have come to a place where there is forgiveness and acceptance. A place of firm boundaries and removed expectations. A place where healing and respect can flourish and honesty is welcomed. A place that is what it is....nothing more, nothing less.

In the past year my Dad and I have had some amazing conversations. Conversations on topics I never thought he would even be aware of, let alone have deep conversations about. During his winter illness (he has been really sick for almost a year) he became aware of the healing power of food. He started drinking a super-food juice combo that changed his life. My dad drinks coke and coffee, eats cheese and meat...and cheese..and meat.... he's drinking a super-food juice!!! Becoming more aware of the effects of all food on his body/life and striving to make a change there.

We've talked about alternative therapy's for cancer treatment. We've talked about foods and supplement's that have been shown to fight cancer and strengthen the body. He is optimistic (most of the time) and feels like he can really beat this. I believe he can.

I came to realize something the other day. I am so thankful for these last few years. To see such a change in him...like he woke up after a lifetime of sleep. There are people who "sleep" right up until the day death comes for them, never having known what it was like to open their eyes.

But him...his eyes are opening, slowly. And I wonder if his illness doesn't have something to do with that.

~Praying fro Tuesday~

wow, I am so moved by this story. Illness, a sweet child, a family in need, a mothers pain, LOVE.

Heather over at The Extraordinary Ordinary is donating $1 for every comment made on her blog post We get by with a little help from our friends. Please drop by and comment....every little bit helps.

*update* Tuesday past away on January 30. Donations are still being collected to help her family through the challenging times that lie ahead.