~So goose-pimply profound~

I've been going through some intense transitions with all this moving. A huge part of that has been really understanding that our adoption is at least a year if not 2 away (or more). I have been shifting from being future focused (when we sell our house.../when we move.../when we adopt...) to being present focused (right now we can bike/craft/play/study/make music/dance/be part of our community/put down roots/home school passionately) Its a major shift for me because for so long it has been the other way. For so long we worked on our home and put our energy towards our vision of the future while manifesting the now. Now we are renting. Now there is no house that requires all of our time and money. Now we have time...

So, the point of the story...so goose-pimply profound.

When I was in Vancouver at the Birthing from Within Workshop I got the stomach flu (on the last day). My mind was full and whirling with thoughts of our children, our new home, the now, teaching birth classes/doing doula work. I was thinking so much about the transitions I was experiencing as a mother. How I would not be a pregnant women again. That my baby would wean himself with in the next year or so and that I wouldn't nurse again until we adopt. I was NOT focused on thoughts of Ethiopia, our children, adoption. (well, not obsessively anyway...it might have come up once or twice ☺) Partially consciously and then unconsciously.

On my last night in Vancouver I was feeling really trapped. The little basement suite that I was staying in was stuffy and musty so I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air (this was before I realized that I had the stomach flu). So I'm walking...down the busy city streets...all the sounds, all the smells, and I realize that I haven't been looking at anything...just the ground. So I start looking in the Windows of the shops as I pass. After a while I realize that I've only looked to my left and that there's a whole other side to the street so my gaze crosses the road.....and settles directly on and Ethiopian restaurant!! I stop dead in my tracks. process...do I go in? do I order something and take it back? do I continue to stand here staring like a crazy women? I was so sick, so overwhelmed with being away from my family...I was not prepared to be brought into this very intense head space...my heart is hammering like crazy because, didn't I just decide that I was going to live in the now?? So, I choose to keep walking. Shake my head a few times...take a few deep breathes....keep walking. Live in the now...let go of something that is, at this point, so very far away.

Ahead I see I beautiful mural painted on the side of a building....full of color, bursting with life energy in the middle of the sketchy east side. An Oasis...light in a very dark place.

I decide that I'm going to go check it out before I head back. So I do. I stop and let the beauty of it fill me. I'm feeling inspired. Feeling purpose full. As my eyes dance across the vast piece of magic a glint of brass catches, attracts me. I step closer, realizing that it is a plac describing what the mural is about.

I step closer still, read the words.

I see the word Orphan....

My lungs seem to have forgotten how to breathe. I gasp and it comes out as a choking sob. I break down. There on a street corner in busy downtown Vancouver I fall apart. Completely.

Maybe it was because I was so sick. Maybe it was because I missed my family so much and felt so oddly separated form my life. But this? this brought me right back to the center of this dream...this vision that I have had since I was tiny, that has been a huge focus for so many moons.

Here, away from everything that is familiar to me, I heard our children. I saw them dance across my vision. I felt them so intensely that I thought I might explode. I felt our family. The whole, the complete, the joy and pain of all of our facets that make us US. The threads that create our tapestry....the words that create our story. The punctuation.

Remember to breathe.....

Eventually my feet start moving again. The tears keep rolling. I take a back street until my face begins to resemble something reminiscent of normal.

I return to the wee basement suite. I continue on with being sick...my mind whirling in a whole new way (or old way, depending on your perspective) Somehow, the next day, I make it home. driving 5 hours solo with the stomach flu: not recommended!

So here I am now. 2 weeks later. Processing my trip, the workshop (which was amazing in many ways). Realizing that being away from my family is not something I'm willing to do again. (Its just not worth it to me....and worthy of a whole separate post!)

I am understanding that there is no "back shelf" in my mind that I can place my passion for Ethiopia and our children on. No "back burner" that would ever be sufficient to simmer this while I focus on other things. I have come to understand that this is so much a part of me that I need to have it as part of my life, even if we don't adopt for 5 years...or 10 years....or 6 months! That time frame is something I need to surrender, the control over that....surrender the need to control. I need to embrace my faith that when the time is right, when we are ready, when our children are ready it WILL happen.

wow....not what I was expecting to get out of that weekend!! And somehow all the whirling that has been going on in my mind since we began our move seems to be no more then a breeze. A breeze that touches my cheek and reminds me of who I am...no matter where we live.

I am so very thankful.

(this is the mural, although when I saw it it was cradled in the dark of night)

~taking action~

*update at the bottom of the page*

Loss is powerful. It seems to have a butterfly effect...touching so many more then just those directly involved.

All week I have been reading about Imagine adoption's bankruptcy. I have read countless blogs, families who are of the 500 clients who have been thrown into a sea of chaos and uncertainty. Families who have put their hearts and souls into the adoption process...their children...their future. Who have spent thousands of dollars and even more hours waiting for their referrals, waiting to pass court, waiting to travel and pick up their children.

We had planned to go through Imagine when we begin the process of adopting our future children. This is one of the rare moments when I am thankful that we haven't begun yet.

I have also spent the week writing letters, signing petitions....praying.

Taking a pro-active approach is so important. Please write your MLA, your MP, the Minister of Immigration and Deb Matthews, the Ontario Minister for Children and Families. Here is a copy of the letter I sent. Feel free to cut and paste portions or all of it.

I am writing to you from my home in the south Cariboo, and I am urgently requesting your support with respect to the dozens upon dozens of families currently in turmoil (financially and emotionally) due to the recent bankruptcy filing of Imagine Adoptions.

I am writing as a mother of 4 who had planned to begin our Ethiopian Adoption through Imagine in the next year. I know there are families who have “passed court” and were awaiting travel notice to pick up their children… and who’ve now been told their children are in limbo, in Canadian transition homes in Addis Ababa wherein their financial accounts have been frozen and they may not be fed or taken care of to the standard of care they deserve. I know of a local (Okanagan)family in which the mother-to-be is now en route to her daughters in Addis Ababa to make sure they are cared for until the fiasco can be sorted out and the citizenship papers finalized. Meanwhile, her husband and father-to-be remains at home trying to provide the financial means to bring this adoption to a close… all the while worrying about his wife being a single mother in a foreign, third-world country. Also many families who have invested thousands of dollars and are in the process of waiting for their referral. This is heartbreaking for these families. International adoption tests our patience and will at the best of times. But there is a huge need here...143,000,000 orphans world wide. These families have gone through the struggles, emotional ups and downs...and now this.

I am urging you to please help expedite the citizenship legalities so these families can bring their beautiful children home. And for the families who never got to the “court” stage, I am urging financial help. They have invested tens of thousands of dollars, and years, into their dreams of building a family, and are now empty-armed.

Also, please take the time to read through this petition and sign it if you support it.
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html

Here is a link to my friend Justine's blog. She has written in great detail about what is going on.

~143,000,000~

I found this so moving. It really puts things into a tangible perspective!

(note: I am not endorsing Loving Shepherd specifically, but I believe that this really needs to be seen by EVERYONE so that the masses can begin to understand how extreme the situation is!!)