~They'll call me Freedom~

(post edited because apparently the video was cause my blog to freeze up, I switched it to a new one....does it work now?)

This song is playing in my mind. A loop in which I hear the generations that come after this joining in some kind of strange ethereal voice. exultant.

It touches me deeply.

I weep when it plays.

My children singing in chorus declaring this song amazing! beautiful! their favorite.

I feel like its my song...a different kind of war, a different kind of struggle in a very different country.

But you can call me freedom, just like a waving flag.

I am oh so grateful.

To hear more by K Naan go here

~ A Reminder~

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(The above speech by Nelson Mandela was originally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.")

~Facing my Demon~

I had a vision of how this would go. Thoughts of connections, dear friends, community...thoughts of being actively involved in all of these things. Dreams of filling in the blanks...were there blanks to fill in? dreams of some thing more....although I sit here and wonder, more then what?

My chest is tight and I am shaky...food seems to have become my enemy, my body taking up issues with the usuals on my plate.

I am tired, so very tired. When did walking up the stairs become a major physical activity?

I am smiling at my children, playing lego in the sunshine. They are patient, enjoying the slow paced days that have become more and more frequent.

This is not what I had in mind.

This? This is something I fear with every molecule of my being. This is a kind of sick that you can't send away with healthy doses of ginger, garlic and echinacea. This is deeper....this is my demon. I have no choice but to face it. To accept that my body and I are not always on the same page. To realize that I can not take my health for granted. That I can not assume that I will never be here again. I am here...again. To be tested? To be reminded? To find strength, reach deeper?

Tears keep welling up in my eyes.

I don't want this.

I've been well for so long that I really did believe that this was over.

But its not.

Here I am, in the same town. At the same time of year, 5 years later. Deep breath.


(links to previous post as to exactly where "here" is: here and here part 2 )

♪♫Melodious Monday♪♫

A wonderful lil' treat for you all today. I was lying in bed this morning and this song came into my mind. The best part about this song for me is that I have so many memories attached to both voices. This song takes me to a place of wonder...of yes! makes me want to tell...makes me want to breathe in the scent of my loved ones with words on my lips so that they know, in some poetic, memorable way, that the are loved in a big, big, multifaceted way. This song inspires me.

Maiya Robbie and I went to high school together. When I returned to our hometown years later we reconnected through her amazing mama, a dear friend of mine, and enjoyed many an open mic night, harmonizing together singing tunes like Hallelujah by Leonard Choen and Only in The Past by the Be Good Tanyas.

Shane Koyczan is another old high school friend who I've run into at a great many places and seems to know so many of the folks I know...interwoven into my life like a beautiful thread that always surprises me when it shows up. It was a great treat to run into him at a Po' Girl show the other night...an even greater treat to have him open the second set with an amazing piece...he is a word smith wonder and world champion slam poet!

anyway...here you go... Enjoy a wee bit of Shane Koyczan and the Long Story Short. Congrats on your recent win at the BC Interior Music Awards guys...best new artist! You totally deserve it!

My Arsenal of Weapons

Here I ebb. Here I pull back. I retreat into that space of home and hearth and family. A space of gentle days and low pressures. A space where I do my damnedest to reduce my stress as much as humanly possible.

Times are heavy., Hearts are heavy. This seems to be the tone in the lives of so many that I hold close. This odd time where the little lights that shine are oh-so brilliant, but the heaviness seems to be casting shadows long and dark.

I've done something that I tend to do. Leapt in with both feet. Loaded my plate high with the bounty of life, of this new land and all these wonderful people. Forgot that I am dealing with some of the biggest stresses of my life. Expected that I, the super human mama, could do it ALL. Do it all while tenderly cradling the hearts of all I know who are in pain. Forgot that I too have a heart that is in pain. That I need to cradle myself...to let go of the overflowing plate.

We are living in a new house, a house that we don't own. We are living in a town that we've been away from for 4 1/2 years in an area that holds much painful history for me. There are oh so many amazing aspects of being here. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard, or that there is a part of me that is mourning the loss of our old "life". I need to allow myself the time to settle...and that with 4 children it may take a LONG time!

and..

My dad is dying and it scares the shit out of me. I am realizing this. He is coming to live with us which also scares the shit out of me. (we have a separate suite in our house so it is perfect for him) I worry for him. I worry for me, for our children. For my husband. How do people do this?!

Most of the time I feel grateful for this time. To know that we have time to say goodbye. Time to cherish one another. But it is HARD! so hard to watch him suffer. So hard to let go of my "organized" nature and just BE with this without knowing how it will flow. So hard to let go of all of the things that I "do" with my time that I just can't do anymore....not now anyway.

I tend to get sick when I am burnt out. Anxiety creeps in and I sink into the depths of the overwhelmed. Fortunately I have come to understand that if I reduce my stresses (the ones that I am in control of anyway) it makes a world of difference. So I am setting out to navigate these frightful seas with my "arsenal of weapons"

I am setting aside expectations. I am clearing my calendar. I am coming if I can make it. I am sorry for the inconvenience but I know that I am surrounded by loved ones who understand.

I am snuggling in bed with my kids. I am having long phone chats with my Dad while he prepares for the move. I am cooking dinner with my husband and listening to him play his music with eyes closed and heart open. I am holding him, laughing with him, crying with him. I am crafting, sewing. I am wearing my pj's still. I am excepting the loving help of my friends. I am taking bubble baths with lots of kiddo's and lots of toys. I am looking into the faces of my children and being filled with awe at their beauty. I am running my fingers through their hair, kissing their foreheads, inhaling their glorious fragrances. I am taking deep breaths. Reminding myself to be gentle with my words, my energy.

I am going outside. Fresh air, head to the sky.

I am turning off the computer. I am watch "feel good" movies, romantic comedies, love stories, fantasy action adventure. I am listening to books on tape with arm loads of babes and blankets...thanks you CS Lewis! I am reading cook books and making grocery lists. I am drinking tea, drinking more water, taking my supplements, eating more apples. We are collecting beach glass...remembering that we have a beach and that we can be there everyday. I am remembering the WE.

I am opening up in sweet surrender....