Don't know if you noticed but...

I am revamping in a big way.  Not just the way that this blog looks but also the direction in which I wish to go from here. 

There are so many things in my life that I want to share, so many parts of myslef that I am in the process of rediscovering.

so stay tuned 'cause this mama is feeling very inspired!

being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!

12.and.a.half.years. 

I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?

   

"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"

painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

The View from Way up Here...

from where I sit now thing look different.

its not just the elevation....the elation of finally being home. 

its somewhere between the rockie mountain peaks and the cool depths of the lake. 

between the clouds that are as often below as above here.

 

its been a long climb and I am tired.  

but its the kind of tired that fills you with joy as you looks around and behold the wonder that you would have missed if you had stayed way down there. 

 

joy.

i'd exhale but the air tastes so good I want to keep it in.

maybe that's why I have been disconnected from the clickety click of this keyboard?

to busy infusing myself with every molecule of this fresh mountain air.

oxygen, clean like my lungs have never known

it is time to re group

time to settle in

to unpack

find our new rhythm

play

make friends

splash in the very cold lake feed by the snow capped mountains and slowly melting glaciers

I make us extra large mason jars full of home made ice tea early in the morning.

the family favorite so far is black currant hibiscus sweetened with blue agave nectar..sipped directly from the jar in the hot summer sun

we make the trek down the very steep mountain side to the town core

inhale the aromas of lake/pine/coffee/nag champa/hot pavement/wet pavement/garlic/korma....

city and mountain collide and the i am intoxicated by it

my beautiful children marvel at the architecture, 

the many colorful people

the many languages the dance on the breeze...we want to learn them all

they are giddy about all of the home schooled kids

they have made best buds and kindred spirits

they feel more at home then they have EVER and for that I am abundantly grateful

they (meaning Noah for the most part) are throwing tantrums and yelling at each other

they are finding their groove

I am loosing my patience and then, by the grace of the goddess, finding it again

our home is in town

it has been years since we lived IN town

laundry lines

bicycling to the store

neighbourhood parties

the smell of coffee being roasted in the cafes early in the morning wafting up the hillside

it is different and I like it 

Ch-Ch-CH-Ch-Changes

I am blissful on multiple levels.  

I feel happy and content

And the excitement?  Don't even get me started or I swear I might just blast off into orbit!  Cheesy I know but its SO true.

You see, as soon as we arrived, literally the moment we pulled into our new town something shifted.  It might be fair to say that it began shifting as soon as we made the choice to come here, but I could actually FEEL it happening when we arrived.  

It was like the planets came into alignment.  Some huge cosmic shift occurred that created this perfect moment.  The moment that whispered into my soul and said "guess what.....you babies will be home soon!"

I've mentioned many times that there have been a few contributing factors to the fact that we have yet to begin our adoption in actual reality.  Paper work I mean.  

One of those factors was the fact that we have felt unsettled.  We knew that there was a move on the horizon we just didn't know when , or how (or that there were actually 2 moves!)  

To me settling is the beginning of a domino effect.  The one thing that needed to happen before all of the other pieces could fall into place.  Well, let me tell you, they are falling now!  

I want to sing it from the mountain top.  Harmonize with my echo so that the world can know just how deeply beautiful a thing this is for me.  I'm spouting happy tears all the time, watering this garden in the spring time of change.

We found a home.  Oddly we decided to rent. I was not expecting this, thought that buying would make me feel more settled but, apparently not.  A big part of this is realizing that if we buy we will jump back into a huge renovation project (this is the land of 100 year old houses that need a lot of work) which will suck up all our funds for the next hundred years...dangling our adoption even more out of reach.  I think that Adam is beginning to fully understand that I can't handle waiting that much longer...I think I might loose my marbles if another year goes by before we begin the paper chase.  He even suggested today that we hold a fundraiser garage sale once we move in!  A fundraiser...as in, for our adoption!!!  And he agreed that we can start our home study so that its done when we're ready!!  seriously!!!!!!!!!!  If only the computer had something other then an exclamation mark...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, lol

This very happy mama is feeling abundantly grateful.

~a random update~

  

My last post was kind of cryptic....it needs to be that way but I do hope that one day I can fill you all in on the details.  For now I'm moving on, so as not to go all twitchy here in our motel room;)

I can barely believe how beautiful this place is!  Mountains...so green, so many trees.  This place is lush...ferns and moss.  After living in a semi-arid desert I feel like my soul has been irrigated after being parched!  And rain, actual rain!  I am one of those gals who loves the rain, who wants to stroll, cozy hat on, hands wrapped around a mug of steaming tea, in the rain.  The smell, the way you can almost hear the earth singing its thanks to the sky.  Love it!

We have been hunting for houses...looking online, looking on MLS, being shown house after house by our realtor.  House here are pricey, which is a bit hard to swallow considering what we sold our last, amazing  place for.  (the same amount would buy a shabby apartment here, ugh!)  But this place is so amazing that its worth the house prices!

I discovered a wee shop the other day, recommended by an amazing women that I recently met.  It is a natural toy and supply store specializing in Waldorf stuff.  It is heaven to me!  seriously!  I have been putting together orders through Mercurius and different doll making companies for the last decade.  Having things shipped, hoping the colours are right.  This store is like a well stocked version of my craft space.  And I can just walk down the street and land in the middle of this magical place!  Roving in every colour you could imagine, wool and silk...fabric for doll making (including a darker, more chocolaty brown for my African babes!), they have amazing toys and tones of crafting/ schooling supplies.  They hold workshops on felting and doll making.  I plan to inquire as to weather they would be interested in carrying my dolls.  They have a few in there but the ones I make are a bit different.  It would be so cool to sell some locally!

Today we get back into our home learning groove.  We need something "normal" in our lives right now and have so much time to fill.  I'm so glad to be finishing up our books for the year!  Things have been so crazy around our place and we've been on a 6 week break.  So back to the crunch (lol, this is a funny thought if you knew what we actually do, lol.)  The kids are excited to be getting to work on our Story of the World....they are loving history!

please keep sending us your positive home finding thoughts!!  seems we could use all the help we can get!