because this is beautiful

bits about me that you may not have known

* I love to burn incense.  something about the earthy, heady aromas sets my soul at ease and brings me to a place of peace.  I always feel at home when I am out and about  and my nose catches that sacred sent adrift on the breeze...somehow I feel connected to all you other incense burners out there.

*there is something about my husbands hands that humbles me.  they are strong and so much larger then mine.  with them he creates the most inexpressibly beautiful music.  he uses them to shape magic out of wood, doors and windows...which is to me so much deeper then functional.  I find those hands more attractive then any.feature.on.any.human.anywhere. 

*I have a passion for tea.  I drink it numerous times a day.  I love to make tea in large mason jars and set it in the fridge, topped with frozen berries and slices of lemon...always with a drizzle of honey or agave.

*I don't drink caffeine....much to my dismay as I have a huge deep passionate love for a perfectly blended  spiced chai or a well made cup of coffee...you know, freshly ground organic/fair trade/shade grown/locally roasted goodness usually made in a bodum or espresso maker with a touch of organic/raw sugar and a splash of cream ((sigh))  my body has decided that caffeine just isn't for me:( so now I live through  the aroma therapy of my hubby's morning java and chai's rooibos style.

*I think the smell of garlic cooking is sexy.  seriously.

*I want to cook with you.  I want to  share laughter and tears that can only come through chopping, stirring and kneading.  

*I love to dance around the kitchen listening to the gypsy kings, abrihim ferrer or french cafe music...really anything upbeat and ethnic that will bring out my inner belly dancer.

*I'm a lemonade maker...if ya know what I mean

*right now I have a cold:(  I am wearing my jammies... desert pants and a gray long sleeved shirt, my padraig slippers on my feet even though it's august.  my padraig slippers are medicine to me.  I love their bright blue/turquoise/purple blended yarn, sheepskin lining and leather souls.  they make me feel soulful even when I'm feeling icky

*said cold caused much brain fog this am that caused me a)sleep in and b) to completely forget that today was Edens first day of swimming lessons...oops

*I sing all the time.  I dream that one day I will record a song in our studio and surprise you all...one day

*I spin fire....well, I used to anyway.  one of these days I will light up again...fire dancing is good for the soul!

*I love the bumper sticker that says "kill your TV".  it makes me smile and sing out a hearty gospel style AMEN!   I think TV is a soul killer/spirit squelcher ...and while I do find the term "kill" a wee bit on the violent side I think that in this case it works

*I would love to post pic's again BUT I have still not set up my computer so...

*I am so excited to be establishing myself as a Birthing from Within Doula and can't wait to get to know that birthing community here.  being a support for women in birth is something that I love more then word can express

*I am going to spend the day in the afore mention jammies, being thankful for spirulina and fresh fruit, playing with my kids and laying on the couch reading The Fifth Sacred Thing.  

blessed day to you all! 

Sleeping

oh that I could look so elegant in my ill, couch slumber, lol   

Don't know if you noticed but...

I am revamping in a big way.  Not just the way that this blog looks but also the direction in which I wish to go from here. 

There are so many things in my life that I want to share, so many parts of myslef that I am in the process of rediscovering.

so stay tuned 'cause this mama is feeling very inspired!

being on the verge...letting go

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident.  Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.  

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door.  I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage.  I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we?  Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k?   Then I can continue to be  nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!  

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier!  seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new.  something that is scarier then I can express.  

here I am fast approaching foreign ground.  My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2.  He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly.   He is not a baby.  He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.)  That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!

12.and.a.half.years. 

I have no idea who I am outside of that.  I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7.    I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me.  I feel adventurous.  I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual.  either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here? 

how do I let go?

   

"It only hurts to think about letting go.  once you do the pain is simply gone"

painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

The View from Way up Here...

from where I sit now thing look different.

its not just the elevation....the elation of finally being home. 

its somewhere between the rockie mountain peaks and the cool depths of the lake. 

between the clouds that are as often below as above here.

 

its been a long climb and I am tired.  

but its the kind of tired that fills you with joy as you looks around and behold the wonder that you would have missed if you had stayed way down there. 

 

joy.

i'd exhale but the air tastes so good I want to keep it in.

maybe that's why I have been disconnected from the clickety click of this keyboard?

to busy infusing myself with every molecule of this fresh mountain air.

oxygen, clean like my lungs have never known

it is time to re group

time to settle in

to unpack

find our new rhythm

play

make friends

splash in the very cold lake feed by the snow capped mountains and slowly melting glaciers

I make us extra large mason jars full of home made ice tea early in the morning.

the family favorite so far is black currant hibiscus sweetened with blue agave nectar..sipped directly from the jar in the hot summer sun

we make the trek down the very steep mountain side to the town core

inhale the aromas of lake/pine/coffee/nag champa/hot pavement/wet pavement/garlic/korma....

city and mountain collide and the i am intoxicated by it

my beautiful children marvel at the architecture, 

the many colorful people

the many languages the dance on the breeze...we want to learn them all

they are giddy about all of the home schooled kids

they have made best buds and kindred spirits

they feel more at home then they have EVER and for that I am abundantly grateful

they (meaning Noah for the most part) are throwing tantrums and yelling at each other

they are finding their groove

I am loosing my patience and then, by the grace of the goddess, finding it again

our home is in town

it has been years since we lived IN town

laundry lines

bicycling to the store

neighbourhood parties

the smell of coffee being roasted in the cafes early in the morning wafting up the hillside

it is different and I like it