Melodious Mama

~New Blog~

2010-10-03T11:58:00.001-07:00

Here it is, my new blog!! Come on over!

(this blog with no longer be in use. I'll leave it up for a while still though :)

a heads up

2010-09-19T22:51:00.001-07:00

The time has come for a shift. I will be closing this blog and moving to new turf... don't worry I'll keep you posted so we can stay connected:) until then I'll leave you with this lovely little diddy. (thanks Courtney:) Go on, dance about you living room while the outside world shifts to Autumn! Bliss I tell you!

reclaiming community

2010-09-05T21:03:00.001-07:00

amazing people.

I am lucky to have so many in my life.

truly amazing women and men who inspire me regularly,

who reflect things back to me that I might not have otherwise seen.

who honor and love their family's

who honor and love their friends

who honor and love themselves (or are learning to) and speak their truths about the beauties and challenges of parenting.

their is something sacred to me about these relationships.

something that calls me to a higher place within myself,

that reminds me who I am and inspires me to fulfil my dreams.

I went with my family back to where we recently moved from.

We went to honor a women who I love and cherish dearly.

good friends here came together and made sacrifices to tend to our dog so that we could make the journey. Papas beautifully brought the children together... play and food and laughter, while the mama's went to wrap our beloved friend in huge, beaming radiant love.

There, in that room, surrounded by all of this supportive, nurturing, loving energy for this amazing women, I felt awe.

I felt gratitude.

I felt life.

songs and tears flowed like wine, voice sang and spoke their truths. love blossomed into a beautiful thing that filled us all with something.... something words can not express.

coming together like that, to hold and cherish the one of us who is in need of loving support, having the opportunity to actually say at the very least a fraction of what I feel to her... magic.

how did it happen?

how is it that somehow, within this completely malfunctioning society, our broken culture, that we have been able to begin to rebuild what community truly is? It is amazing.... like grace in the old school song... that saved a wretch like me.

truly.

because the reality is that I once was lost... like the majority of people out there who struggle day to day to find what it is to be a women, to be a man. who battle their instincts with the current trends in parenthood. who struggle with self image. who have no idea what it is like to be carried when they have fallen because we have forgotten what it is like to NOT be alone.

but we're not alone.

I am not alone.

you are not alone.

she is not alone.

we are in this together.

these people are my Grace and I am glad to be part of theirs as well.

I love you all!

~green~

2010-09-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I'll sit and write then.

I've sat down at my sewing table.

stared blankly at half finished projects.

thought about the dolls I should make for the store that is now carrying them.

stared at the piles of colorful wool roving.

thought about her.

thought about the color green.

her favorite.

thought about the beaded bracelet...

green and powerful, made by mama's who are changing their lives through beads...

she was away then.

missed the bead party.

she was in the hospital having a bone marrow transplant.

I saw it.

thought of her.

thought of the way her amazing smile could light up a room.

as if she herself were life manifest.

green and growing.

when she returned, tired but smiling...finding strength that put me in awe, I gave it to her.

I didn't know her favorite color was green..

just new that those beads needed to be hers.

wanted her to remember her powerful life force.

wanted to empower her.

wanted to tell her that I loved her.

that I thought she was one of the most amazing people I ever met.

wanted to do more,

to somehow ease her burdens,

to somehow take away her pain.

I gave her a bracelet.

lost my words.

told her it reminded me of her.

that's all I said.

maybe I said more...I just remember wishing I had said more

I hoped she heard everything else through my breath.

the things I didn't say.

tomorrow I will travel to her.

I will say everything that I did not say.

I will wrap her in the warmth of my love and respect.

of my admiration.

I will weep with this overflowing emotion.

I am trying to comprehend this thing that comes into peoples bodies and calls them to another place.

I'm trying not to be angry that it is draining her.

but I am.

I know she doesn't want to leave him.

her son.

she is holding on for him.

putting on her brave mama face.

her beautiful face that looks at him with longing.

I've never seen that kind of longing in a mamas eyes before.

its almost more then I can bare.

she is his everything.

oh that I could ease her pain.

sweet, sweet mama.

Wordless Wednesday (almost)

2010-09-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned the amazing view from our new home, wanted you all to know I'm not all talk:)

many blessing to you on this, the first day of September!

head count

2010-08-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

when we are out and about and I am doing a head count something in me panics. where are they? I am sure that someone is missing!!! I count again.

wait...we have 4...thats the number.

so why then, do I constantly feel like I'm missing 2 kids? seriously... it happens frequently.

our 2 babes....

one day they'll be here and I can stop wondering where they are.

I'll know.

Photograph by Diego Lezama Orezzoli/CORBIS

Tisisat Falls presents an idyllic scene. The Blue Nile crashes over the cataract in the lush forests of northwest Ethiopia.

element bending...fun for the whole fam-damly

2010-08-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago he comes home and says to her, "a girl at work recommended a series to us...sounds fantastic!"

hmmm, she thinks. She is leery. Its the whole TV thing...she loathes TV, most anything associated with TV.

They go to their local super cool video store (not a big chain and best selection anywhere, hands down!) and he shows her the case.

double hmmm...she sees the nickelodeon symbol, the animated cover looking rather fierce.

Nope. flat out not interested. (she is stubborn...did I mention that?)

He walks away, ever so slightly crestfallen. He decides to check out youtube...see if they can find an episode to preview.

(she is also VERY picky about what her wee kiddos watch, did I mention that??)

He finds an episode online, watches it. declares that it was amazing and that she is going to love it and should just trust him already. (she does trust him, and loves that he would preview it for them...feels all beamy and weak kneed)

So, they rent it. Book 1, disc 1 (she loves that they call them "books" rather then seasons!)

They watch it. They love it. actually they LOVE IT!!!

She extra specially loves it. Why you ask? well, because it speaks to her soul connection with most anything to do with the elements and finding balance. because she is kinda old school spiritual and loves that the main character is likened to a Buddhist monk. she loves that so many great subjects are touched upon...deeper then one might expect from a nickelodeon "cartoon".
she loves the idea of element bending...has already decided that she would be from the water tribe and would be a water wheelin' healer. (of course she'd be a healer, as if you had any doubts) she loves the way her whole family gets giddy at the thought of a movie night. the way they all pile onto the bed, snuggled together and eagerly await the next turn of events.

She thinks, wow, how did this magic come to be?

she is grateful and fully into the wee bit of escapism that these movie nights afford them.

what she does not like, not even in the slightest, is what happened when hollywood got their hands onto it. what disgusts her is how, yet again, hollywood has done an amazing job at whitewashing a uniquely Asian series. what makes her feel ever so slightly ill and even more mama bear-ish is that each and every one of the main characters somehow managed to be white....oh, except that the fire nation somehow looks middle eastern. (grrr, that's a whole other post)

why mama bear-ish? because that's the part of her that clicks into high gear when she senses injustice, prejudice, racism...

check out this article, written by a 12 year old girl who was adopted as an infant from China. It was originally published in Adoption Today, a magazine dedicated to international and trans racial adoption.

also check out Racebending.com, advocating just and equal opportunity in television and film

So, they will continue their way through the books, disc by disc...but support hollywood racism? no, they'll take a stand, as a family and say....

because this is beautiful

2010-08-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

bits about me that you may not have known

2010-08-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

* I love to burn incense. something about the earthy, heady aromas sets my soul at ease and brings me to a place of peace. I always feel at home when I am out and about and my nose catches that sacred sent adrift on the breeze...somehow I feel connected to all you other incense burners out there.

*there is something about my husbands hands that humbles me. they are strong and so much larger then mine. with them he creates the most inexpressibly beautiful music. he uses them to shape magic out of wood, doors and windows...which is to me so much deeper then functional. I find those hands more attractive then any.feature.on.any.human.anywhere.

*I have a passion for tea. I drink it numerous times a day. I love to make tea in large mason jars and set it in the fridge, topped with frozen berries and slices of lemon...always with a drizzle of honey or agave.

*I don't drink caffeine....much to my dismay as I have a huge deep passionate love for a perfectly blended spiced chai or a well made cup of coffee...you know, freshly ground organic/fair trade/shade grown/locally roasted goodness usually made in a bodum or espresso maker with a touch of organic/raw sugar and a splash of cream ((sigh)) my body has decided that caffeine just isn't for me:( so now I live through the aroma therapy of my hubby's morning java and chai's rooibos style.

*I think the smell of garlic cooking is sexy. seriously.

*I want to cook with you. I want to share laughter and tears that can only come through chopping, stirring and kneading.

*I love to dance around the kitchen listening to the gypsy kings, abrihim ferrer or french cafe music...really anything upbeat and ethnic that will bring out my inner belly dancer.

*I'm a lemonade maker...if ya know what I mean

*right now I have a cold:( I am wearing my jammies... desert pants and a gray long sleeved shirt, my padraig slippers on my feet even though it's august. my padraig slippers are medicine to me. I love their bright blue/turquoise/purple blended yarn, sheepskin lining and leather souls. they make me feel soulful even when I'm feeling icky

*said cold caused much brain fog this am that caused me a)sleep in and b) to completely forget that today was Edens first day of swimming lessons...oops

*I sing all the time. I dream that one day I will record a song in our studio and surprise you all...one day

*I spin fire....well, I used to anyway. one of these days I will light up again...fire dancing is good for the soul!

*I love the bumper sticker that says "kill your TV". it makes me smile and sing out a hearty gospel style AMEN! I think TV is a soul killer/spirit squelcher ...and while I do find the term "kill" a wee bit on the violent side I think that in this case it works

*I would love to post pic's again BUT I have still not set up my computer so...

*I am so excited to be establishing myself as a Birthing from Within Doula and can't wait to get to know that birthing community here. being a support for women in birth is something that I love more then word can express

*I am going to spend the day in the afore mention jammies, being thankful for spirulina and fresh fruit, playing with my kids and laying on the couch reading The Fifth Sacred Thing.

blessed day to you all!

Sleeping

oh that I could look so elegant in my ill, couch slumber, lol

Don't know if you noticed but...

2010-07-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

I am revamping in a big way. Not just the way that this blog looks but also the direction in which I wish to go from here.

There are so many things in my life that I want to share, so many parts of myslef that I am in the process of rediscovering.

so stay tuned 'cause this mama is feeling very inspired!

being on the verge...letting go

2010-07-12T15:22:00.001-07:00

there are moments when I feel so empowered, so confident. Like some strange how I figured out this whole mama thing.

this is not one of those moments.

in this moment I wonder how the hell I will make it until 5:45-ish when my dear hubby walks through the door. I wonder if its ok to toss everything I find on the ground in the garbage. I wonder if maybe, just maybe my neighbours think I hate my children....I've been a touch snappy today.

Lets call it PMS shall we? Yes, why don't we find somewhere, ANYWHERE to place the blame EXCEPT on me, k? Then I can continue to be nut job and holler at my kids while feeding them fresh baked apple/blueberry crisp and home made lemon iced tea...um, yeah, nut job!

the truth is that I am on the verge.

not the verge of a nervous break down, oh no, I think that would be easier! seriously!

the truth is that I am on the verge of something completely new. something that is scarier then I can express.

here I am fast approaching foreign ground. My sweet baby Noah is 3 1/2. He only nurses maybe twice a day...I see that he is weaning himself, slowly. He is not a baby. He is a full blow kid.

I need to be completely honest.

It frightens me!

Since I became pregnant with Eden 13 years ago I have only had 6 month where I wasn't either pregnant or nursing (between Eden weaning at 18 month and becoming pregnant with Alden when she turned 2.) That's 12 1/2 years of being pregnant or nursing!

12.and.a.half.years.

I have no idea who I am outside of that. I have no idea what it will be like to not be sharing my body with someone else 24/7. I have no idea what it will be like not having the hormones of lactation surging through my veins.

Part of the thought thrills me. I feel adventurous. I know great and wonderful things lay ahead of me..

most of me though.....scared shitless!

I think it's this kinds freaked version of me that is making me feel all snappy...or maybe it really is PMS and I'm just dwelling on the freaky-ness because I'm so darned pre menstrual. either way I am very much wondering...

where do I go from here?

how do I let go?

"It only hurts to think about letting go. once you do the pain is simply gone"

painting and quote by artist chantey dayal

The View from Way up Here...

2010-07-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

from where I sit now thing look different.

its not just the elevation....the elation of finally being home.

its somewhere between the rockie mountain peaks and the cool depths of the lake.

between the clouds that are as often below as above here.

its been a long climb and I am tired.

but its the kind of tired that fills you with joy as you looks around and behold the wonder that you would have missed if you had stayed way down there.

joy.

i'd exhale but the air tastes so good I want to keep it in.

maybe that's why I have been disconnected from the clickety click of this keyboard?

to busy infusing myself with every molecule of this fresh mountain air.

oxygen, clean like my lungs have never known

it is time to re group

time to settle in

to unpack

find our new rhythm

play

make friends

splash in the very cold lake feed by the snow capped mountains and slowly melting glaciers

I make us extra large mason jars full of home made ice tea early in the morning.

the family favorite so far is black currant hibiscus sweetened with blue agave nectar..sipped directly from the jar in the hot summer sun

we make the trek down the very steep mountain side to the town core

inhale the aromas of lake/pine/coffee/nag champa/hot pavement/wet pavement/garlic/korma....

city and mountain collide and the i am intoxicated by it

my beautiful children marvel at the architecture,

the many colorful people

the many languages the dance on the breeze...we want to learn them all

they are giddy about all of the home schooled kids

they have made best buds and kindred spirits

they feel more at home then they have EVER and for that I am abundantly grateful

they (meaning Noah for the most part) are throwing tantrums and yelling at each other

they are finding their groove

I am loosing my patience and then, by the grace of the goddess, finding it again

our home is in town

it has been years since we lived IN town

laundry lines

bicycling to the store

neighbourhood parties

the smell of coffee being roasted in the cafes early in the morning wafting up the hillside

it is different and I like it

Ch-Ch-CH-Ch-Changes

2010-05-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

I am blissful on multiple levels.

I feel happy and content

And the excitement? Don't even get me started or I swear I might just blast off into orbit! Cheesy I know but its SO true.

You see, as soon as we arrived, literally the moment we pulled into our new town something shifted. It might be fair to say that it began shifting as soon as we made the choice to come here, but I could actually FEEL it happening when we arrived.

It was like the planets came into alignment. Some huge cosmic shift occurred that created this perfect moment. The moment that whispered into my soul and said "guess what.....you babies will be home soon!"

I've mentioned many times that there have been a few contributing factors to the fact that we have yet to begin our adoption in actual reality. Paper work I mean.

One of those factors was the fact that we have felt unsettled. We knew that there was a move on the horizon we just didn't know when , or how (or that there were actually 2 moves!)

To me settling is the beginning of a domino effect. The one thing that needed to happen before all of the other pieces could fall into place. Well, let me tell you, they are falling now!

I want to sing it from the mountain top. Harmonize with my echo so that the world can know just how deeply beautiful a thing this is for me. I'm spouting happy tears all the time, watering this garden in the spring time of change.

We found a home. Oddly we decided to rent. I was not expecting this, thought that buying would make me feel more settled but, apparently not. A big part of this is realizing that if we buy we will jump back into a huge renovation project (this is the land of 100 year old houses that need a lot of work) which will suck up all our funds for the next hundred years...dangling our adoption even more out of reach. I think that Adam is beginning to fully understand that I can't handle waiting that much longer...I think I might loose my marbles if another year goes by before we begin the paper chase. He even suggested today that we hold a fundraiser garage sale once we move in! A fundraiser...as in, for our adoption!!! And he agreed that we can start our home study so that its done when we're ready!! seriously!!!!!!!!!! If only the computer had something other then an exclamation mark...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, lol

This very happy mama is feeling abundantly grateful.

~a random update~

2010-05-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

My last post was kind of cryptic....it needs to be that way but I do hope that one day I can fill you all in on the details. For now I'm moving on, so as not to go all twitchy here in our motel room;)

I can barely believe how beautiful this place is! Mountains...so green, so many trees. This place is lush...ferns and moss. After living in a semi-arid desert I feel like my soul has been irrigated after being parched! And rain, actual rain! I am one of those gals who loves the rain, who wants to stroll, cozy hat on, hands wrapped around a mug of steaming tea, in the rain. The smell, the way you can almost hear the earth singing its thanks to the sky. Love it!

We have been hunting for houses...looking online, looking on MLS, being shown house after house by our realtor. House here are pricey, which is a bit hard to swallow considering what we sold our last, amazing place for. (the same amount would buy a shabby apartment here, ugh!) But this place is so amazing that its worth the house prices!

I discovered a wee shop the other day, recommended by an amazing women that I recently met. It is a natural toy and supply store specializing in Waldorf stuff. It is heaven to me! seriously! I have been putting together orders through Mercurius and different doll making companies for the last decade. Having things shipped, hoping the colours are right. This store is like a well stocked version of my craft space. And I can just walk down the street and land in the middle of this magical place! Roving in every colour you could imagine, wool and silk...fabric for doll making (including a darker, more chocolaty brown for my African babes!), they have amazing toys and tones of crafting/ schooling supplies. They hold workshops on felting and doll making. I plan to inquire as to weather they would be interested in carrying my dolls. They have a few in there but the ones I make are a bit different. It would be so cool to sell some locally!

Today we get back into our home learning groove. We need something "normal" in our lives right now and have so much time to fill. I'm so glad to be finishing up our books for the year! Things have been so crazy around our place and we've been on a 6 week break. So back to the crunch (lol, this is a funny thought if you knew what we actually do, lol.) The kids are excited to be getting to work on our Story of the World....they are loving history!

please keep sending us your positive home finding thoughts!! seems we could use all the help we can get!

~ the unexpected~

2010-05-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

I met him and fell in love.

It was unexpected.

I knew I would find him sweet... all babies are sweet, and I am , after all, a baby whisperer...I knew that I would give him cuddles, oh and ah over the cuteness that is his tiny little fists.

But this? This I did not expect.

He is tiny, on the planet only 8 short weeks. He is perfect. I dream about him all the time...awake or asleep.

I want to be his mama so bad that it physically hurts.

It has been 5 weeks since I left....5 weeks.

I want to be his mama.

I did not expect this.

He is creamy white, not chocolate brown.... although his eyes, his eyes will be brown...like mine.

I wonder at that. I know that still, while we are in this mode of settling, of buying our home, that Ethiopia is still a ways away. I can wait. I am patient.

But in the time between now and then I have room...my heart has many spaces waiting to be filled....but one? one of those spaces ha been filled by him. by his perfection. by his essence that enraptures me in a way so familiar....like he was always my son even before he was conceived by another mother.

I don't even know if its possible. I want the very best in the world for him. That he will be loved and nurtured. That he will always know, never ever doubt that he is loved.

He live many miles away.

I love him.

~ oh the adventure ~

2010-05-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in a motel...a suit that we have booked for a month while we get the whole house thing figured out.

We had planned to camp. We ventured off into the lush, green provincial park, set up our super amazing 4 season 8 person tent, tarpped out a "kitchen" and set up house.

Night 1: kids cozy and warm, Adam and I? frozen, sore and sleep deprived.

Night 2: kids cozy and warm, Adam and I cozy and warm, torrential 24 hour downpour turning our tent into something not entirely unlike sleeping inside a snare drum in a marching band....actually, louder and far more committed then that. (did i mention I'm claustrophobic...not fun, not fun at all)

Needless to say when we woke up, Adam already off to work, I declared that camping was officially over and off we went to our cozy, favorite motel.

I am LOVING this motel!! Simple pleasures like hot water and walls...who knew motel living could be so grand??

On a serious note we are on the hunt for our new home. I am doing my darnedest to wrap myself in the faith that made this all possible in the first place. I am re acquainting myself with trust...feeling it more and more as I recover from 2 days of the worst camping trip EVER!! But I made it this far with sanity intact. Through weeks of husband less packing. Through the crazy adventure that scrubbing our 3600 sq ft house turned out to be....thanks to some amazing friends who came to help out! I couldn't have done it without you guys!

I am sitting here now, sipping my Egyptian Licorice tea watching my children engrossed in a game....its amazing what a basket of animals/magical creature can inspire. Their sweet jammied bodies sprawled out on the carpet for the third hour in a row. Yay for creative children!!

And me? Today I book appointments with our realtor, I crunch numbers to see if an amazing place is in our reach, I relax....and apparently I blog.

oh, and I dream of babies.....apparently this is becoming an every night phenomenon.

~dream a little dream of you~

2010-04-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that we got "the call" the other night.

our worker said "I have your referral for you"

my breathe caught, all I could manage was a pathetic "yes?"

"well," she said. "they are 9 year old twin girls!"

~because everyone needs a pout post~

2010-04-16T08:08:00.001-07:00

Today I pack the kitchen. Actually we pack the kitchen...thankfully my kids are all over the packing thing. This is a VERY good thing because right now I feel like there is so much "work" happening and so much burnt out mama (with daddy already in our new town) that there are few moments when they can really get into something...be engaged in the moment rather then doing chores or being sent outside so that they don't destroy the house....which they do of course, even though the house is nearly empty. how? ((sigh)) We did go to town the other day (Thanks Heidi!) and get a bunch of art supplies, so we have been art-ing it up....getting out all our stuff...yay water colours!

I am thanking Heidi because she is amazing. You see, our Rav4 broke down...blow engine and all, and so I have been here with no vehicle, my suburban in Mountain Home with hubby, for 2 weeks. (we live 20 minutes from town...) Heidi and her fab hubby lent me their van this week. I LOVE that van. I LOVE Heidi and her man for coming to my rescue...being my full on knight in shinning blue armour. I can't even express it...really...speachless.

Did I mention moving is really challenging?? I'm sure you all know that but I thought I would re-iterate. MOVING.SUCKS.

bleck.

Even this move...to the place we've always wanted to live. To a place where we can settle and hunker down and just be for the next 50 years or so. even still moving is hard.

Around here it seems that the kids are taking turns having melt downs. Eden sobbing..although she can't seem to name why. Willow sobbing because she wants her care bear, which happens to be already in the storage unit in Mountain Home. Alden getting all bent out of shape because he can't swim yet....in the lake I mean, because, apparently in his mind its warm enough. And then there's Noah, who is sweet as a peach...except when he's yelling or sobbing for any and all reason...thrown off because daddy's not her (for the first time ever) and because our house is nearly empty. you should have seen those big rolling tears when we packed up his bed. So sad. even though he doesn't sleep in said bed, even though he rarely ever even plays on said bed. Big tears. ((sigh)) And me?? well, all it took was my husbands voice to set the tears free yesterday.

"I hate this" I say

he's smiling, I can hear it through the phone.

"Yes," he says. "buts its so beautiful here Jenn. I walk down the street and everyone is smiling at each other...beautiful!"

"buts this is so hard" I choke *sniff*

"I'll be home tomorrow. And in 1 week we'll be here. you'll love it Jenn, it gets better everyday!"

*sobb*

"I know"

*sobb*

a part of me is feeling like this is really unfair! wants to pout like a spoiled three year old. He's there, staying in a nice hostel, working, eating meals I cooked for him last week, skyping us and then watching movies, walking around the super cool town seeing all the super cool stuff thats happening. Working at a job he loves with people he really likes. (alone, which sucks. alone sucks too...must remember that)

I'm here, packing the house. taking care of the kiddos, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, packing, cleaning, trying to be a parent who still remembers how to parent (aka speaking not yelling).

yes...this is my pout post. my bottom lip out, forehead creased in displeasure post. If there was a "stomp foot" button I would use it. over and over.

I am REALLY looking forward to being "home". Did I mention we still haven't found a house?? And yet we are moving 'cause we're crazy like that and apparently moving 4 hours away while home schooling 4 kids isn't adventurous enough for us! *twitch* *twitch*

but hey, it sunny. thank you universe for the sunshine!!! I think I might be a big puddle of mush if it were cloudy too.

I'm needing some of ^this^ right now!

~word-y wednesday~

2010-04-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

~because he is so cute!~

2010-04-06T14:54:00.000-07:00

This little man is on his way to his new home.

100th post! also know as "Update on the Whirling"

2010-03-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've thought about my 100th blog post a fair bit over the last few months. I guessed that it would come during my time Unravelling and I would be all super creatively inspired and have a whole shwack of photos to pretty it up with.

However, seeing as the level of holy-smokes.intense has been pretty high around here, I have decided to save that particular post for my 200th (oh dear...that has the tone of commitment...) not to mention the fact that I am 3 weeks into Unraveling and have yet to actually unravel...or maybe its just been a different kind of unravelling??...hmmm....

anyway....

the update, which I know is why ya'll are here:

we are moving. its official.

hubby's work situation here was a bust and...blessed be...we have connected with new employment in a place we have both always wanted to live.

coincidence?
yes.
serendipity?
yes.
kind of overwhelming?
not so much now, but last week? YES!!!

This week I am settling into the notion.

I am actually believing that it will happen.

I am trusting and faithful as the doors and windows seemingly fly open.

This is spring.

this is freshness.

new beginnings and the whole shebang.

heck, there is even romance! (did I mention that Adam and I both felt called there before we met!?!)

In that beautiful creative little town high in the mountains there is music...there is culture...there are loads of trees and tones of folks hugging them! (this is me admitting my inner hippie..yes, its true!) But best of all? a fabulous combination of forest...hiking/mountian biking/kayaking/wild romping/skiing AND access to services that our growing family is needing : aquatic center/dance classes/music/choir/green community initiatives/hospital/good food/skookum home school/ high school program! (because we are swiftly approaching this age)

There is a promise of settling in the air. A glimpse of something that dances away from limbo and into some good earthy, connected tribal groove. I am so ready for this. so ready to settle!

It feels like going home.

you know what? I think this time I will actually unpack!

~whirling...yup, my head is whirling~

2010-03-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

...things are moving and shifting, picking up pace in such a way that has me nearly breathless. Remember how I just mentioned the need for patience...and faith. well........

Those of you that have been visiting me here for a while know that we have been living in a state of limbo. A BIG HUGE massive shwack of limbo, in between, laying in wait...what ever you want to call it the basic translation is: we have had no idea what lay ahead of us.

no clue.

zip.zero.ziltch

I've mention my "Monet vision" of the future....feelings, colors, rough outlines. But details? nope. details have been out of my reach.

until this week.

this week has brought with it a sense of almost unnerving clarity.

For those of you just joining me here I'll give you the brief low down.

We sold our house and moved to this little hamlet of loveliness in September...rented a sweet not-so-little place on the lake, knowing it was temporary and gave "moving back" a whirl. (being here is hard for me..much baggage and "stuff" to work through)

My Dad, who has advanced lung cancer, moved in with us in November. The longer he is with us the more we see that really, this is why we came here. So that he could settle with us while receiving his treatment at a near by major hospital.

All of this time we are trying to decide...do we stay here?? do we look elsewhere?? what does our family need?

All of the while my heart, yearning to be settled, understands that I must be patient and that once we are settled the time to adopt will near and my arms will be full of sweet, chocolate babes...completeness.

This week?

Something shifted at my hubbies work place. The proverbial "straw"...

The reason we choose this village in the first place was work. Adam could return to his previous employer...increased wage/respected position...yadayadayada. job security near good friends.

HA!

not so much. (because we must learn that what we think we have we often don't...maybe this is how we learn to value what we do??)

My dear hubby has become increasingly worried about the situation. But when he showed up one afternoon because there was no work the alarm bells began to clang. loudly. and over the next 2 weeks the volume increased until we could not ignore it...the time had come. the shift. the propelling event that would move us out of limbo and on a very clear path.

more on that soon...for now, whilst everything is being sorted I will leave you with this image:

is it possible I might actually be able to unpack soon??? (no, I have not yet unpacked...yes I realize that we've been here 7 months☺) Please pray for sanity and clarity...and will need both in generous portions!!

note to self: remember to breathe!

~testing, tesing...1 (Faith), 2 (Patience), 3 (Gratitude)~

2010-02-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

Is it possible that Patience, after being sought after and struggled for...after spending countless hours being reached for, begged for...is it possible that it could become comfy? That Patience could become complacency? an excuse for in activity?

I wonder.

Patience is a virtue...yes!

but right now I wonder....

but then...really it is Patience coupled with Faith that will guide us to where we need to be. Faith is so key..so much more so then I think we realize. Complete and true Faith is propelling. It is a catalyst for action...although not always (or should I say, rarely) that action that we hope for.

I feel like I am being sooooo very tested.

Patience....maybe it is because I feel like I am a pretty patient person? maybe I need to be humble..to realize that actually, I'm not so patient after all.

Its just, I read things like this and this and think, why are we not there!?! what is it we need to do to get there? funny thing is I know...at least part of the answer. This would be where the whole lack of patience becomes so glaringly obvious. Where Trust and Faith really need to come into play.

I need to find Gratitude for this place...most days I am feeling very Grateful...today, even amidst my words of frustration there is Gratitude.

Gratitude that downstairs is my Dad, who's body is fighting lung cancer, who's heart is trying to wrap around losing his dog...the one companion that has been with him through his struggles over the last few years. That he is here and I am able to wrap him in the love that every one of us deserves. That I am gifted with moments of wisdom where my words are able to ease his heart and lighten his spirit. I am more Grateful for this gift then I could possibly express.

Gratitude that my husband, who has worked so very hard over the past 5 years, actually has time and equipment to record his music...to spend time with himself after so much self sacrifice.

Gratitude that I am surrounded by amazing women who are so supportive, inspiring, loving. That we have a community here that is strong..so nurturing.

Gratitude that my children are healthy,. That they are thriving and becoming, more and more everyday, people whom I not only love unconditionally but people who I admire and respect because of WHO they are.

Gratitude that the time has come where I can take some time away from my children to attend births and build my Birthing from Within Doula business.

I am in awe of the Grace that has been bestowed upon me during some of the darkest moment of my life. I am so grateful for the sun. for the rain.

so Grateful...needing to remember that.

~I miss you...but I haven't met you yet~

2010-02-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

a melody for you all....I love Bjork. She's one of those artist that I've been listening to since I was 15 and still love.

Anyway..whilst sitting here, thinking of my longings and patience...thinking about the miles and moments that separate us from our future children, this song popped into my head.

So appropriate doncha think??

I had a heck of a time finding the original version...so we'll have to settle for a remix with some questionable rap...but you get the idea((sigh))

I MISS YOU by Bjork

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking

But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you

I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
By the time I stop waiting
I miss you

~Proud~

2010-02-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

This makes me proud for all kinds of reasons. Every time I hear it tears come to my eyes and my arms are covered in goose bumps. I've mentioned Shane Koyczan before and am sure that many of you have seen him now. This piece was written by him and preformed at the 2010 Olympic opening ceremonies. It is so deeply moving and, while I am VERY anti-Olympics, I must say...I am proud to be Canadian and oh so very proud of Shane. Well done good sir. You deserve to be honoured in such a way♥

I searched for the Olympic version..complete with all the extravagance of the opening ceremonies, but all versions have been nabbed by the Olympic committee ((sigh)) But here he is, Shane Koyczan with his beautiful piece We Are More.

Our sweet Eden

2010-02-15T21:33:00.000-08:00

This beautiful child.....

I can barley believe how big she is!! so tall...so graceful!

I just need to gush and beam at the marvel that is our Eden.

Tonight we went to dress rehearsal...preparing for this springs dance competitions. Getting used to their choreography on the big stage...bright lights.

Today I put makeup on her for the first time ever. She was so nervous...afraid that her eyes would somehow be damaged.

I love that in all of her sweet innocence there has yet to be a draw to the pop culture of make up and hair...fashion and boys.

I love that she still loses herself in imaginative play for hours on end.

I love to watch her nuture her siblings...the beautiful card she made for our sick Willow yesterday.

I love that she creates beauty and art out of the seemingly mundane...pine neddle crowns and scrap paper dolls

I love that she and her pal (pictured below) spend their days building forts together and drawing detailed maps of imaginary lands.

I love that they are children, shifting and blossoming into womanhood with out a sense of urgency.

Gently...

I love that they sing all the time.

~seeing (RED)~ (or the greatest treasure)

2010-02-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today I ventured forth into the wide world, solo.
That's right. Solo.
As in, no kids, no hubby, no dog.
Just me.
Now in order to truly understand the scope of this you would have to know me fairly well....well enough to understand that I don't generally EVER go out alone. I am family loving mama who, for the most part, just wants to be with my crew. I lived the first 20 years-ish of my life running solo and have got to say that since having my children, lovin my hubby life has NEVER been so good. That said I do realize that it important to fuel this mama machine that I am. Feed it that life giving, soul connection of self...in however small a serving.

Today's serving...a lovely day in K-town...big city 1 hour north...with my dear pal Tricia. Tricia also being mama to 4 bits of magic...both of us in need of some thrift shopping therapy.

One of the things I love most about thrift shopping is the treasure hunt. Digging through racks of weird and wonderful in search of that perfect item that screams "pick me!!" and I eagerly answer "YES!".

I passionately love thriftin' it up. To me new clothing is simply unnecessary (unless of course you scour the racks of numerous thrift shops and STILL cannot find a pair of pants...which happens....or you find some great piece on etsy☺) ANYWay...back to my train of thought. so, yes...I am a hard core thrift shopper...it is always my first choice and to me each find is bliss encarnate...really. I'm that silly:)

SO off T and I go, happily chatting as I drive down the highway on this rare sunny day (after weeks of cloud cover...ugh!) we pull into the parking lot of VV and practically skip to the door (she's hardcore like that, too) We shop side by side for a while and then split off down our various aisles to see what might be seen. This moment was sooooooooooo peaceful to me. No kids asking me to buy them a million plastic toys (which we are, apparently lacking...what about all are super cool wood stuff guys?) Eventually they get lost in the book section, supervised by hubby and I..tag teaming for a venture into the shop. And then there's hubby...my darling Adam, who, as much as he won't pay more the maybe $8 for pants, is ready to go before I've even made it through 1 section. ((sigh)) so this rare gem of an opportunity was something to be treasured indeed.

I love where my mind goes during these times. When I can actually finish a though and follow it through to the next (novel, I know!) And can you guess where my thoughts lead? every.single.one. of them?

Ethiopia. Adoption. AIDS. Our children. Their children. Mama's. not enough mama's...

I think to myself...the way things have been flowing lately I wonder if some odd, goose pimply magical thing will happen today. One of those things that affirms that you are on the right path. Maybe I'll find one of those cool Hearts for Ethiopia Shirts?? hahaha...that WOULD be magic.

but I know magic...I know that it happens to us when we need it. I know that it brings us to a place where we can learn and grow in the direction we need. I know that it brings a sense of reverence. of wonder. of grace.

oh, yes. I've met magic before.

so on I shop. loading my cart with shelves for my sewing center, clothes for Adam, clothes for me....I'm perusing the t shirt section when what do you suppose I find?? seriously....can you guess?????

♥
♥
♥
♥
♥
♥

this: an olive colored t with the word TREASU(RED) . you all know what that means right? that means that I had to use every single ounce of self control I have not to burst into heaving sobs right there in the middle of Value Village. I stood there, laughed out loud....looked around to see if anyone had spotted my insanity (nope) and took many deep, slow breaths trying to get my shit together. (yes I said shit...but really...you should have seen me!!) I find T and spill the beans..actually tear up as I tell her...in the books section by the change rooms...I exclaim that magic has found me once again and I am shaking like a leaf because ...well.....shizza...maybe you have to be adopting to understand...maybe you have to be sooo in love with a place and its people that you can barely breath sometimes...or maybe you can just feel this as I exude how much this simple little moment...this worn t-shirt in a thrift shop, means to me.

little steps along the way...little affirmations.....little bits of Grace.

I wonder if a t-shirt of mine will ever be so treasu(red) ?

have a very, very red day tomorrow!!! soooooo much love!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

It's official!! our Etsy Shop is OPEN!!!!!

2010-02-11T14:05:00.000-08:00

holy kershmoly!

after nearly a year of holding the vision I have finally gotten everything aligned! Our Etsy shop is OPEN!!!

The shop will showcase handmade dolls, toys and other bits of magic...it all depends on whats inspiring me. All the proceeds from our shop will be gong towards our adoption. I will be making an effort to have many multicultural/adoption/Ethiopian related items for sale! Check it out and spread the word!!

http://www.serendipitysgarden.etsy.com/

and here she is...Bella, my first handmade doll for sale!

so, I won something....

2010-02-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

i am shocked

scratch that....

I'm amazed

you know when you need something?

when you're working towards something... you're visualizing it....

visualizing it like an impressionist painting...

Monet's sunsets, vague, full of color, alluding to something....details obscured

that's where I'm at. I have a clear "Monet" vision of the future. The feelings are so vivid, the energy clear...details, not so much.

So yesterday I was over at SouleMama. I love to frequent her blog. I find it inspiring to read of someone who lives, to some degree, similarly to me. I love her photo's...the color and light. Anyway, she had a sponsor giveaway happening so down I scroll to read about it.

My stomach twists, i felt compelled both to comment AND turn off the computer and run away. I decide to comment, thus entering myself in the draw, which was shockingly challenging for me. I thought to myself..."I never win these things anyway" followed quickly by "just watch, I'll win this because I'm so darned afraid of it....because I actually need it...because I would never just go do something like this for myself (not with a coin jar to fill)."

I won!

I will be taking part in Susannah Conway's e-course Unravelling!?!!

light spills forth and details become slightly more clear...

I am grateful...did I mention scared?...pretty freaked?? that to.

(you might need to read Susannahs "about me" to understand the fear part....)

because I am touched deeply and inspired.....

2010-02-03T22:09:00.000-08:00

all you mama's out there need to read this.

~Wordless Wednesday~(almost)

2010-02-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

A glimpse.....

This sweet girl will be for sale in my Etsy Shop, Serendipity's Garden, as soon as I finish making her clothes. (grand opening to be announced♥) Stay tuned for more fabulous additions in the coming weeks! (our Etsy Shop is a fundraiser for our adoption....I'll post more on that when she's done☻)

~simple pleasures~

2010-01-24T15:21:00.000-08:00

um, so much for that idea☺

2010-01-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

Considering that we are only part way through January, I think it is safe to assume that my goal of 365 pic's for 2010 is...well....not as much of a priority as I thought.

Don't get me wrong, photography is something I LOVE and look forward to doing more as I learn more about this new camera BUT.....well, busy-ness abounds in ways that fill me so...inspired and all that great stuff. I'm bursting at the seams with creative love...unfortunately not with camera in hand.

Last week I was sooo blessed to attend the birth of a very dear friend of mine. It was a stunningly beautiful experience. Transformational. Propelling. I realized how ready I am to be doing this. How destined I am to be doing this.

I have been studying, working towards my goal of spiritual midwife for well over a decade, and this was the first opportunity I have had where I was able to attend a birth other then my own! Our children are all of an age where I feel comfortable leaving them for the night. Noah, while he still nurses, can easily go a day without it. Everything lined up so perfectly. Even the 2 attending midwives, one a dear friend from high school, the other her partner. Working with them was amazing!

When they asked if I would be doing more Doula work I replied that no, at this time my life is so full with tending to my family and my Dad I just don't have the time.

Then I went home. I basked in the glow of that birth experience. I spent time with my dear friend and her family before they returned home. (they traveled 4 hours to have a home birth with midwives) I spent so much time thinking and through all of that I realized that I am more ready for this then I thought! Birth and motherhood are my deepest callings and fulfilling that feeds a part of me the way that nothing else can.

And so I embark on this journey. The Spiritual Doula embracing this connection.

Another friend asked me, only days later, if I could attend her birth as well. Her due time is early/mid February. She is a strong, beautiful women and I look forward to supporting her and her partner in what ever way they need.

The image tattooed on my back comes from the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. That book was a catalyst for me....propelling me down a path that has been more stunning then I ever would have imagined.

Such wonderful moments make Gestating Elephant Style a whole lot easier!

~the coin jar ~

2010-01-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

having had all sorts of activity filling my moments this weekend (you're shocked, I know) I do admit I have fallen behind in my photo-a-day plan. but in the spirit of understanding I leap ahead to pic 11 (I'll post a few to compensate)

laying in bed the other night, sleep drawing near but not quite there, I had a brain wave...and epiphany so to speak. as per usual our adoption was dominating my head space....babies, travel, adjustment, taking the kids to ballet ...all 6 of them! what kind of jogging stroller I dream of getting :assuming that our kids will either be infant twins or sibling: one being an infant the other around the 3 yr.old mark and I will be needing a new one. I dream about snuggling our new children. connecting with them. inhaling the scent that is uniquely there own. caressing their chocolate skin and whispering I loves yous........

my thoughts wind their way in and out, around and around, finding their way back to traveling. my stomach gets a bit twisty because, honestly, the thought of leaving my kids for 2 weeks ...at any age, is enough to make me sick!! How, I wonder, can we do this?? It is so important to Adam and I that we both travel, so one of us staying home isn't an option. The reality is we need to go together, as a family.

Its the way we do things. we shop together, we play together, we eat all our meals together. when we have a baby we labor together, we birth together, we bond together. why would this be any different?!! This adoption is something the WE are doing, not something that Adam and I are doing. Our next children are, in every way, already a part of this family! (okay, not legally, and they might not even be born yet, but you know what I mean!)

so it's settled, in my mind anyway... at midnight while the rest of the house sleeps. I have decided that We are ALL going to Ethiopia! (little happy dance in bed...I can hear the trumpets sound, lol)

did I mention that we have 4 kids already??...that we will be coming home as a family of 8?? flights to and from Ethiopia are expensive and, with the cost of the adoption and us being far from wealthy, there is no way we can just make those kinds of funds appear. hmmmmmmmmmm,

and that's when it hit me...the epiphany.

the coin jar!!

change is magic!! (go as deep as you want with that one!)

tossed into a jar daily, change can add up in shocking numbers in a short amount of time. with our adoption being a ways away we could acquire the money for our kids flights!! its totally possible....and painless!!

and so begins the era of the change jar...the kids are soooooo excited! The have each contributed to the jar (fists full of change nabbed from their piggy banks and placed, one coin at a time into the sacred "giant piggy bank" as Noah calls it) its become a fun game to search for lost change and toss it in. ( the "jar" is actually a 5 gallon water jug...we have lots of $$ to raise☺)

I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty darned pro-active!

the jug cover...so pretty!!

Fricken Fantastic Friday (or pic # 8)

2010-01-08T08:41:00.001-08:00

As I said, yesterday was a challenge. Actually, it was the peak moment of a building struggle that has been reappearing over the last few weeks. (after a few months of semi-dormancy) When my hubby got home from work I was about ready to burst.

I don't know why but when he asked me how I was I said. "my womb is empty" He looks at me kind of oddly and then smiles. Heads upstairs to have a shower. I follow, needing more conversation...needing to spill.

I say "how about a vasectomy reversal?" his head pops out of the shower, he laughs. Why I said that I don't know...maybe I just needed to express my deep need for our children...the womb being a metaphor for the big gaping space (shaped like 2 little sweeties) in my heart that can only be filled by them.

him:"um, I thought we had a whole other plan?"

me: "what exactly do you mean?" wondering if he was going to talk about recording music or buying our next house, or when we move again...

him: "I thought we were adding to our family through another route where we will grow in a whole new way."

I start to sob....heaving, tears splattering, nose dripping. why? because he's with me on this!! because we are on the same track. because, even though we haven't talked about adopting all that much over the last few months, we have not lost sight of what we want. because he is my deepest love and when I need him he is there for me in ways I don't even know I need...until he says those words, looks at me that way, and fills me up where I didn't even know I was empty.

he pokes his head out of the shower again: "this is good!"

me, still blubbering: "what?!?"

him: "this shows that your coming back to yourself!"

and after months of being ill, he's right!! I am!

affirmation has an amazingly powerful effect....today I am basking in it. in the glow of this big, big love♥

pic number 7 (or the location of the rest of my heart)

2010-01-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

Did I take this pic?

no.

am I veering slightly from my pic plan?

yes.

I realize I have a need to post not just my pic's but pic's that represent where I'm at. If I could take a pic of my heart right now...well, maybe you wouldn't be sticking around to read the rest of my post.

today it is hard to be so far away from them...our babies. our children. To be so far away from the time when we can say "we are actually doing this!!"

tears....throat full of my heart.

not feeling so patient today....nope, not at all.

maybe I should sew. maybe that will help.

(the pic was nabbed from here )

Of Beads, Yarn and Ink (or snapshot 6)

2010-01-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

I wear a strand of bead most of the time these days. When I look at them I feel hope. I find joy, inspiration, light. I feel connected.

http://www.beadforlife.org/indexb.html

And the yarn...the bright red, deeply felted band of yarn on my left wrist? 6 other women share in this bond...our support and connection to a dear friend who is about to give birth to her second child. A wonderful tradition that was part of her Blessingway ceremony, connecting us to each other and reminding us to keep ever mindful of her as she travels along this path of motherhood. We will share them until her sweet baby is born.

and my ring? my one and only ring...a permanent reminder of the life long, soul mate, deep as the sea, big as the universe bond that I share with my husband. my gaze fall upon his hand to find it there as well. forever.

no better jewels could I wear.

~pic numero 5~

2010-01-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

Edens dragon...'cause I'm crafty like that:)

~our life in pictures~

2010-01-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

As I lay in bed last night I realized something. I have gotten out of the habit of taking pictures. There was a time when I aspired to be a photographer. A time when I had in my possession a smoking 35 mm camera and some snazzy lenses. A time when I created art out of the seemingly mundane.

Years past, the camera was repossessed by its original owner. We took shots with a semi-crappy 35 mm (still some amazing shots) until along came the Kodak easy share.

Now we, being the frugal folks that we are, waited until 2007 to jump on the digital camera train. And, while the picture quality left a LOT to be desired, we were pleased by the convenience of deleting unwanted pictures and the lack of $$ it cost to simply download them by the hundreds. (again, we are a touch on the frugal side)

But life being what it has been, the last few years....the last few months more correctly, have been rather neglected by my photo snapping self.

Recently my Dad lent my his super skookum Canon Rebel XTi, complete with a variety of lenses.

Have I even attempted to figure out how to use it?

No.

Do I really, really want to?

YES!

And so I begin a challenge that I have seen on a variety of fellow bloggers pages. The 365 day challenge. 1 photo a day for 1 year. (well, as close to that as possible...I'm still on the "be gentle with yourself" bent...taking it easy)

Granted that we are already a few days into January....(I don't actually know the date...just a sec).........

4 days to be exact.

So I will begin with an offering of 4 recently taken photos (taken on the Kodak easy share z612) and the ambition to capture as many images as possible over the next while. (on the snazzy Canon Rebel XTi) Luckily I have some wonderful subjects!

Alden and his new doll (made by mama) Akimbo

Willow and Noah

Noah, rocking the kit

Eden, gingerbread sculptor

anyone else into have a challenge on the go??

~The wish Bearer visits!~

2009-12-15T10:59:00.001-08:00

Well, I know I said only yesterday that I was feeling inward and not so much in a sharing space BUT I have to celebrate this amazing happening! This amazing women...beautiful, soulful, deep..and her hubby, who, while I don't know him I assume he must be fanatically amazing because, well, he's married to Rebecca!

THEY PASSED COURT TODAY!!!! Beautiful, sweet B is officially their daughter! I'd have to say this is the best Christmas/solstice present EVER! SO in honour of you, dear friend I post these!

♥I guess you can change a few of those lyrics now♥

♥~Happy Holidays~♥

2009-12-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

I've reach one of those times. A time when, even though there is so much going on in my life, I seem to have nothing to write about. Maybe its because I am fully embracing this season of hibernation...going inside, hunkering down, finding inner warmth.

My mind is whirling with things I'd like to share. Pieces of me I'd like to reveal....but not now.

For now I'll say, I hope you all have a beautifully comforting holiday season. That you are able to deepen connections with you family's and warm each others hearts.

So no matter what holiday you celebrate, wishing you the very best.

xo~ Jenn

*edited to add link* this quilt was made by Kristen Miller

~They'll call me Freedom~

2009-11-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

(post edited because apparently the video was cause my blog to freeze up, I switched it to a new one....does it work now?)

This song is playing in my mind. A loop in which I hear the generations that come after this joining in some kind of strange ethereal voice. exultant.

It touches me deeply.

I weep when it plays.

My children singing in chorus declaring this song amazing! beautiful! their favorite.

I feel like its my song...a different kind of war, a different kind of struggle in a very different country.

But you can call me freedom, just like a waving flag.

I am oh so grateful.

To hear more by K Naan go here

~ A Reminder~

2009-11-19T08:48:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(The above speech by Nelson Mandela was originally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.")

~Facing my Demon~

2009-11-18T13:22:00.000-08:00

I had a vision of how this would go. Thoughts of connections, dear friends, community...thoughts of being actively involved in all of these things. Dreams of filling in the blanks...were there blanks to fill in? dreams of some thing more....although I sit here and wonder, more then what?

My chest is tight and I am shaky...food seems to have become my enemy, my body taking up issues with the usuals on my plate.

I am tired, so very tired. When did walking up the stairs become a major physical activity?

I am smiling at my children, playing lego in the sunshine. They are patient, enjoying the slow paced days that have become more and more frequent.

This is not what I had in mind.

This? This is something I fear with every molecule of my being. This is a kind of sick that you can't send away with healthy doses of ginger, garlic and echinacea. This is deeper....this is my demon. I have no choice but to face it. To accept that my body and I are not always on the same page. To realize that I can not take my health for granted. That I can not assume that I will never be here again. I am here...again. To be tested? To be reminded? To find strength, reach deeper?

Tears keep welling up in my eyes.

I don't want this.

I've been well for so long that I really did believe that this was over.

But its not.

Here I am, in the same town. At the same time of year, 5 years later. Deep breath.

(links to previous post as to exactly where "here" is: here and here part 2 )

♪♫Melodious Monday♪♫

2009-11-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

A wonderful lil' treat for you all today. I was lying in bed this morning and this song came into my mind. The best part about this song for me is that I have so many memories attached to both voices. This song takes me to a place of wonder...of yes! makes me want to tell...makes me want to breathe in the scent of my loved ones with words on my lips so that they know, in some poetic, memorable way, that the are loved in a big, big, multifaceted way. This song inspires me.

Maiya Robbie and I went to high school together. When I returned to our hometown years later we reconnected through her amazing mama, a dear friend of mine, and enjoyed many an open mic night, harmonizing together singing tunes like Hallelujah by Leonard Choen and Only in The Past by the Be Good Tanyas.

Shane Koyczan is another old high school friend who I've run into at a great many places and seems to know so many of the folks I know...interwoven into my life like a beautiful thread that always surprises me when it shows up. It was a great treat to run into him at a Po' Girl show the other night...an even greater treat to have him open the second set with an amazing piece...he is a word smith wonder and world champion slam poet!

anyway...here you go... Enjoy a wee bit of Shane Koyczan and the Long Story Short. Congrats on your recent win at the BC Interior Music Awards guys...best new artist! You totally deserve it!

My Arsenal of Weapons

2009-11-02T08:56:00.001-08:00

Here I ebb. Here I pull back. I retreat into that space of home and hearth and family. A space of gentle days and low pressures. A space where I do my damnedest to reduce my stress as much as humanly possible.

Times are heavy., Hearts are heavy. This seems to be the tone in the lives of so many that I hold close. This odd time where the little lights that shine are oh-so brilliant, but the heaviness seems to be casting shadows long and dark.

I've done something that I tend to do. Leapt in with both feet. Loaded my plate high with the bounty of life, of this new land and all these wonderful people. Forgot that I am dealing with some of the biggest stresses of my life. Expected that I, the super human mama, could do it ALL. Do it all while tenderly cradling the hearts of all I know who are in pain. Forgot that I too have a heart that is in pain. That I need to cradle myself...to let go of the overflowing plate.

We are living in a new house, a house that we don't own. We are living in a town that we've been away from for 4 1/2 years in an area that holds much painful history for me. There are oh so many amazing aspects of being here. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard, or that there is a part of me that is mourning the loss of our old "life". I need to allow myself the time to settle...and that with 4 children it may take a LONG time!

and..

My dad is dying and it scares the shit out of me. I am realizing this. He is coming to live with us which also scares the shit out of me. (we have a separate suite in our house so it is perfect for him) I worry for him. I worry for me, for our children. For my husband. How do people do this?!

Most of the time I feel grateful for this time. To know that we have time to say goodbye. Time to cherish one another. But it is HARD! so hard to watch him suffer. So hard to let go of my "organized" nature and just BE with this without knowing how it will flow. So hard to let go of all of the things that I "do" with my time that I just can't do anymore....not now anyway.

I tend to get sick when I am burnt out. Anxiety creeps in and I sink into the depths of the overwhelmed. Fortunately I have come to understand that if I reduce my stresses (the ones that I am in control of anyway) it makes a world of difference. So I am setting out to navigate these frightful seas with my "arsenal of weapons"

I am setting aside expectations. I am clearing my calendar. I am coming if I can make it. I am sorry for the inconvenience but I know that I am surrounded by loved ones who understand.

I am snuggling in bed with my kids. I am having long phone chats with my Dad while he prepares for the move. I am cooking dinner with my husband and listening to him play his music with eyes closed and heart open. I am holding him, laughing with him, crying with him. I am crafting, sewing. I am wearing my pj's still. I am excepting the loving help of my friends. I am taking bubble baths with lots of kiddo's and lots of toys. I am looking into the faces of my children and being filled with awe at their beauty. I am running my fingers through their hair, kissing their foreheads, inhaling their glorious fragrances. I am taking deep breaths. Reminding myself to be gentle with my words, my energy.

I am going outside. Fresh air, head to the sky.

I am turning off the computer. I am watch "feel good" movies, romantic comedies, love stories, fantasy action adventure. I am listening to books on tape with arm loads of babes and blankets...thanks you CS Lewis! I am reading cook books and making grocery lists. I am drinking tea, drinking more water, taking my supplements, eating more apples. We are collecting beach glass...remembering that we have a beach and that we can be there everyday. I am remembering the WE.

I am opening up in sweet surrender....

Melodious Mondays

2009-10-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

*a new edition to weekly rituals*

music is so intrinsically woven into the fiber of my being. it seems only logical to spill that over here. maybe one day I'll post one of my own tracks..but for now I'll share what inspires me.

Iron and Wine have been a key part of my musical rotation for many, many years. This song...mmmm, I LOVE, I love the driving rhythm, the harmonies, the clapping, how it made me want to dance even before I saw the video.

~Wordless Wednesday~

2009-10-14T08:41:00.001-07:00

(as seen through the roof of our sun-room!)

~We be Jammin'~

2009-10-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

♪I like to jam it wich you♪♫

*plum jam actually...lots of plum jam*

We headed up to pick plums at a friends before the killer frost hit. I was shocked at the sheer amount of fruit still on the trees when we got there! So, our clan of 6 and most of their clan of 7 went at it in the late afternoon sun, picking until we could pic no more.

This is one of the treasures of this life. The unexpected call "the temperatures supposed to drop to -5 tonight so please come and save as much of this fruit as you can!". We, rosy cheeked with wind tousled hair, happily obliged. The children helping until the urge to throw the rotten "bombs" at the wood pile over powers the urge to help with the harvest. Giggles, barking dogs, neighing horses (happy to be tossed the occasional plum), hollered conversation from one tree to the next..."I had a great name for a construction company that kinda works with this...Dead Plumb" laughter and then more laughter at the silliness of us.

Bliss I tell you. Bliss.

We returned home happy. Chilled fingers wrapped around steaming mugs of ginger tea and coffee. Eyes gazing at the pile of boxes. The bounty of the harvest. The nearly excessive bounty.

So what do we do with all these plums? We rolled up our sleves, got out our boxes of jars, handed out knives and cutting boards and 2 days later : 26L jars of halved plums, canned. 16 jars of ridiculously yummy jam. 5 jars of tangy plum sauce. 3 dehydrator loads of dried fruit. 10 bags of frozen plums, pitted/halved and awaiting a moment when making jam doesn't seem quite so... well...overly plummy.

Feelin' good I tell you!

~So goose-pimply profound~

2009-10-09T09:01:00.001-07:00

I've been going through some intense transitions with all this moving. A huge part of that has been really understanding that our adoption is at least a year if not 2 away (or more). I have been shifting from being future focused (when we sell our house.../when we move.../when we adopt...) to being present focused (right now we can bike/craft/play/study/make music/dance/be part of our community/put down roots/home school passionately) Its a major shift for me because for so long it has been the other way. For so long we worked on our home and put our energy towards our vision of the future while manifesting the now. Now we are renting. Now there is no house that requires all of our time and money. Now we have time...

So, the point of the story...so goose-pimply profound.

When I was in Vancouver at the Birthing from Within Workshop I got the stomach flu (on the last day). My mind was full and whirling with thoughts of our children, our new home, the now, teaching birth classes/doing doula work. I was thinking so much about the transitions I was experiencing as a mother. How I would not be a pregnant women again. That my baby would wean himself with in the next year or so and that I wouldn't nurse again until we adopt. I was NOT focused on thoughts of Ethiopia, our children, adoption. (well, not obsessively anyway...it might have come up once or twice ☺) Partially consciously and then unconsciously.

On my last night in Vancouver I was feeling really trapped. The little basement suite that I was staying in was stuffy and musty so I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air (this was before I realized that I had the stomach flu). So I'm walking...down the busy city streets...all the sounds, all the smells, and I realize that I haven't been looking at anything...just the ground. So I start looking in the Windows of the shops as I pass. After a while I realize that I've only looked to my left and that there's a whole other side to the street so my gaze crosses the road.....and settles directly on and Ethiopian restaurant!! I stop dead in my tracks. process...do I go in? do I order something and take it back? do I continue to stand here staring like a crazy women? I was so sick, so overwhelmed with being away from my family...I was not prepared to be brought into this very intense head space...my heart is hammering like crazy because, didn't I just decide that I was going to live in the now?? So, I choose to keep walking. Shake my head a few times...take a few deep breathes....keep walking. Live in the now...let go of something that is, at this point, so very far away.

Ahead I see I beautiful mural painted on the side of a building....full of color, bursting with life energy in the middle of the sketchy east side. An Oasis...light in a very dark place.

I decide that I'm going to go check it out before I head back. So I do. I stop and let the beauty of it fill me. I'm feeling inspired. Feeling purpose full. As my eyes dance across the vast piece of magic a glint of brass catches, attracts me. I step closer, realizing that it is a plac describing what the mural is about.

I step closer still, read the words.

I see the word Orphan....

My lungs seem to have forgotten how to breathe. I gasp and it comes out as a choking sob. I break down. There on a street corner in busy downtown Vancouver I fall apart. Completely.

Maybe it was because I was so sick. Maybe it was because I missed my family so much and felt so oddly separated form my life. But this? this brought me right back to the center of this dream...this vision that I have had since I was tiny, that has been a huge focus for so many moons.

Here, away from everything that is familiar to me, I heard our children. I saw them dance across my vision. I felt them so intensely that I thought I might explode. I felt our family. The whole, the complete, the joy and pain of all of our facets that make us US. The threads that create our tapestry....the words that create our story. The punctuation.

Remember to breathe.....

Eventually my feet start moving again. The tears keep rolling. I take a back street until my face begins to resemble something reminiscent of normal.

I return to the wee basement suite. I continue on with being sick...my mind whirling in a whole new way (or old way, depending on your perspective) Somehow, the next day, I make it home. driving 5 hours solo with the stomach flu: not recommended!

So here I am now. 2 weeks later. Processing my trip, the workshop (which was amazing in many ways). Realizing that being away from my family is not something I'm willing to do again. (Its just not worth it to me....and worthy of a whole separate post!)

I am understanding that there is no "back shelf" in my mind that I can place my passion for Ethiopia and our children on. No "back burner" that would ever be sufficient to simmer this while I focus on other things. I have come to understand that this is so much a part of me that I need to have it as part of my life, even if we don't adopt for 5 years...or 10 years....or 6 months! That time frame is something I need to surrender, the control over that....surrender the need to control. I need to embrace my faith that when the time is right, when we are ready, when our children are ready it WILL happen.

wow....not what I was expecting to get out of that weekend!! And somehow all the whirling that has been going on in my mind since we began our move seems to be no more then a breeze. A breeze that touches my cheek and reminds me of who I am...no matter where we live.

I am so very thankful.

(this is the mural, although when I saw it it was cradled in the dark of night)

~Wordless Wednesday~

2009-10-07T09:09:00.001-07:00

Melodious Moon

2009-09-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight I sing a lullaby while looking up at the crescent moon. A gentle lullaby of gratitude, of awe and wonder.

Rebecca, in whom I have found a soul sister....a kindred spirit, has been gifted. The sweet package came with delicious chocolate eyes, little fists and a feminine spirit. This sweet one came to change her life forever.

And now there is a somehow familiar love to nurture...like you always knew her but yet still so shocking... amazing and real...tangible. You can see her. Trace the lines of her image with your fingers. Send her this deep and overflowing love that is big enough to cross miles...she will feel you even now, as you feel her.

And soon, so soon, your daughter will be with you....to cradle, to snuggle, to empower.

Congratulations Rebecca and Colin!!

~This little Hamlet of Lovliness~

2009-09-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still here!! really!

Its funny to me how we forget how HARD moving is...It must be one of those magical blessings from the universe because if we remembered would we really choose to do it again?? hmmmm...

So, to update you all, we are now residents of a beautiful, quaint village of a mere 800 or so folks. Lovely, artsy, enchanting and only a few minutes from a large town that has everything we could need right there. No more travelling 2 hours to go shopping!! yay! And the drive?? A whimsical winding road through orchards and rolling vineyards, past stunning winery's and loved homes along the beautiful with a background of mountains and rugged clay cliffs...so much contrast..stunning! Our home is within walking distance of the general store, cafe, library, park, beach, bmx track. My hubby bikes to work which is 5 minutes away. Bliss I tell you. Every day I am grateful that we made the choice to move back here. It has been an awesome homecoming in so many ways. Everything is echoing with "this was the right decision".

Yesterday the kids started dance and marshal arts. I went to a home learnin' mama's meeting to find out whats going on in the area and get involved. The kids are thrilled to have such a great community of families...so many potential new friends and a few dear friends from years ago.

We are living in that odd place of boxes, laundry and life...to busy living life to unpack the boxes. So if you are one of my dear pals from afar and you come to visit this autumn be prepared...one day I'll hang the art and organize shelves, but today it is hot and glorious, the kids want to go for a swim and I am half way through Eclipse....(blush... I can't help it...Twilight is addictive!!)

Speaking of which, I should really go make lunch before my kitchen turns into an oven and I'm tempted to put on the air conditioner!! I think it will take a while to acclimatize...we've become chilly northern folk! lol

I hope you all are enjoying this beautiful September!!

~Wordless Wednesday~

2009-09-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

~Wordless Wednesday~ (okay...not wordless...but I like the title!)

2009-08-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

Some of the amazing women that I am so blessed to have in my life

My dear friend Kim and I

Trish, me, Shayna and Danelle

Anna, Kerri and I...some of my fab fellow belly dancers

My dear friend Arwen and I.

Sweet Candace and I...

Courtenay and I

(okay, I promis to do a real post soon...with words and everything! For now, amidst the chaos, I can offer you a glimps of some sweet farewells. Moving is....moving.)

~Wordless Wednseday~ (almost☺)

2009-08-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

My last performance with the Baladi Babes, August 8th, 2009. I'm going to miss you girls!! Wish I could pack you up and take you with me!

~wordless wednesday~

2009-08-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

~this path~

2009-08-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

As time progress we find ourselves on a different path then we started. Somewhere along the way we veered..maybe toward something sweet...or dark and mysterious...at any rate when I look around now I find myself in a place I've never been that is still, somehow familiar.

I am a strong believer in our abilities to manifest our dreams...faith in that...no matter which path we walk down...is what gives me courage to take steps off the beaten path. It gives me strength to forage our own path even when those around us declare us insane for our methods. As the years pass I see so clearly how our faith and optimism has led us, time and time again, to where we need to be....closer to our vision...closer to our dream. But it is the dream...the destination that is so clear to me....the HOW...not so much. And this is where surrender comes in. When things are going on in my life that I don't understand or that seem to nearly break me I hold on to my faith that at the other side of the experience things will become clear. Its the whole, hindsight is 20/20 thing....looking back I can see the reasons for experiences that, at the time, seemed completely disconnected.

Nothing is disconnected. This is something I believe in the very core of my being. We really are all connected...everything...literally. It's the whole circle of life thing...action /reaction...prayer/ answer...karma...the law of attraction. What we put out really does come back to us. When we pray...whether to God, the Universe, the Creator (so many names..but I believe the are all the same)...our answers are rarely what we expect..but always what we need.

The visions I have of our future are so clear I could reach out and touch them. I see our home (a place Adam and I both dreamt about when we first met...the same night!) I see our children...the ones that have yet to join our family...I smell them, know them by heart even though I'm quite sure they haven't even been born yet. I see myself...the lines around my eyes, the grey of my hair...a knowing, gentle expression that comes from things I have yet to experience.

I see it all so clearly that I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will be there. I have complete faith that the HOW will happen in the way that it is meant to...the way I don't understand...the way I sometimes fear (there is loss on that path, this much I know). I let go of the need to understand the HOW....we are the WHY...love and life are the Why...the HOW is unknown.

And this is where I surrender. This is where I find freedom. When our actions are out of love...with truth, respect and compassion in mind, they will bring to us love, truth, respect and compassion. These things are so key to fulfillment for me. My life is empty without them and when I embrace them I feel the distance between us and our dreams lessen....or maybe it is that I realise that this IS the dream. Living life this way...focused on the positive, cradling the negative with understanding (or striving too at least)...moving forward with faith and vision.

When Imagine Adoption closed its doors to Canadian families I was stunned. I looked at my contract..still sitting beside my computer, where it has been for almost a year, and said a quite prayer of thanks. You see, I have been holding that contract, reading it and re-reading it, wondering when the moment would come to send it away...to start the process on paper. I have had moments of deep frustration with the way things were flowing in our lives. Asking Why!?! when this love is so huge and true, when my heart is so open, why are things not flowing?? Eventually I embraced patience. I embraced the understanding that things happen for a reason and that the reason is not always clear to us. I wrapped myself in the faith that I KNOW that one day we will be in Ethiopia welcoming our children into our arms, our hearts. Embracing the change and gift that all of that will mean for our family. And I found comfort. And I let go.

When Imagine closed its doors something became so abundantly clear to me. Right now, with moving, with my Dad's illness and all that comes with it, I really don't think that I would have the strength to handle going through what all of those families are going through. I don't know that I would be able to fight the fight......I don't know...maybe I would, but really, I question my strength.

I am washed with a cosmic comfort...really!! When you understand that all the while you have been wondering why....questions, frustrated, angry at times....really you were being gifted with a deeper understanding of yourself then you could ever imagine.

hmmmm.....

I sent away for a package from the other Canadian agency that handles Ethiopian adoptions. They told me they would send me a package but suggested that I look at another country...maybe Haiti. Maybe in their eyes Ethiopia has become too controversial...to sketchy. It doesn't matter to me though. When we are ready to start I KNOW our children will be in Ethiopia and that whatever means we need to bring them home will be there...when its time. And for now I will wrap myself in the blanket that is my faith and I will continue to joyously put one foot in font of the other as I walk this unknown path, home.

~your opinion please~

2009-07-31T17:08:00.000-07:00

At the end of August we are going camping with a whole shwack of families from the "little hamlet of loveliness"

...exciting? yes.

inspiring? yes.

do we all fit in our little 3 man tent? no.

do we need gear? yes....everything from cook stoves/coolers/stuff.......

So for all you camping folks out there: What is your favorite, must have camping item?

It has been years since we last tented it.....hmmm....pre-kids?? (I know, I know....but seriously...4 kids+moving+renovations+homeschooling=VERY busy!!) We are determined to be fully outfitted so that we can make camping a regular event...at least a few times a year. I find it kinda odd that we haven't been in so lone...Adam and I both LOVE camping/ kayaking/ canoeing/ hiking.

First on the list: a tent that will endure weather/many ups&downs/ruff and tumble kiddo's and big enough for our growing family (8 person)

my thought: Big Agnes Flying Diamond 8 Tent

a bit more $ but it seems super durable and I can order it the Mountain Equipment Co-op.

hmmm...okay outdoorsy folks...I need your expertise!

like a balm of ~ ((sigh))

2009-07-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am experiencing all manner of emotion right now........(there's a word for that, but I don't seem to know it) mostly I feel light...like a warm glow...like a balm of ((sigh))...release...relief....

We just accepted an offer on our house!!!!!!!

Only waiting for the removal of a few "subject too's" and we will be officially SOLD!

((breathe))

We have been in limbo for almost a year after doing an insane renovation for 2 years...it is time. We will move by the end of August...back to this little hamlet of loveliness.

And just in time for the beginning of the new "school" year! It perfect......we just need to find our new house☺

The key here is not to hold my breath between now and the subject removal date....

(here are a few pic's from our recent trip to the big city)

~Wordless Wednesday~

2009-07-22T07:19:00.001-07:00

how

2009-07-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

how does one get through this...how do I??
tears roll down my cheeks as my husband reaches out to touch me...sooth me....
his presence invites me to spill.
I am open here in a way I don't understand.
I am angry.
I want to help but my hands, tied behind my back, do little that I can see.

when I call..his voice every day seems farther...or closer....like I could reach out and touch him...but the miles stack up like odds against me and I fear them.
I fear their ability to hold me captive like some random psycho bank robber holding me on the other side of a panel of glass.

and then, from somewhere within me comes the cold....the sniffling cold that tells me the miles aren't the only odds I have to dance with. Patience of a new sort is being tested in me as I bath in oil of oregano...pleading for this to go away so that I can traverse the hills and valleys just to say
"I love you"
"your not alone....see?? I am here....here to do nothing more then be..."

be what??

i don't know

be your daughter....and you my father...everything else can fall away...the pain...the cancer...the chemo...years...money...time...miles.....it all means nothing

but I love you...that means something.

~laughter is the best medicine~ re-post from Jan 18

2009-07-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

*I had to re-post this this morning...I am sick but smiling. A combination that I get to revisit from time to time (fortunatly not breast infectin this time☺)*

He says I look beautiful.

Maybe its the sweaty, tousled hair, the rosy cheeks and shinning eyes.
Maybe its the vulnerability that illness brings.

He says I look sexy.

I smile.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my sweaty forehead.
I laugh, hope he doesn't breathe in to deeply.
Sweat gives off more then a shinning glow you know.

He says laughter is medicine.

He's right.
He is my Patch Adams and I already feel better.
Sure my breast is still inflamed, my feverish body is still exhausted, my head is pounding with an evil migraine that somehow always accompanies mastitis in my world.
But I am smiling.
My heart is whole and I feel lifted by what he gives me. I can feel my body relaxing and I KNOW that if I can truly relax my body WILL heal.

He comes up beside me munching an apple.
"I know this sound cheesy" he says "but, I really do eat an apple a day."
Did I mention that he NEVER gets sick?

"Just wondering....do you?"
I smile as the sun reflects on his juice splattered lips while he chews, grinning.
No....maybe an apple a week. What is this, hubby's right about everything day??

It is gloriously bright this morning.
I am smiling, as I reach for an apple.

~taking action~

2009-07-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

*update at the bottom of the page*

Loss is powerful. It seems to have a butterfly effect...touching so many more then just those directly involved.

All week I have been reading about Imagine adoption's bankruptcy. I have read countless blogs, families who are of the 500 clients who have been thrown into a sea of chaos and uncertainty. Families who have put their hearts and souls into the adoption process...their children...their future. Who have spent thousands of dollars and even more hours waiting for their referrals, waiting to pass court, waiting to travel and pick up their children.

We had planned to go through Imagine when we begin the process of adopting our future children. This is one of the rare moments when I am thankful that we haven't begun yet.

I have also spent the week writing letters, signing petitions....praying.

Taking a pro-active approach is so important. Please write your MLA, your MP, the Minister of Immigration and Deb Matthews, the Ontario Minister for Children and Families. Here is a copy of the letter I sent. Feel free to cut and paste portions or all of it.

I am writing to you from my home in the south Cariboo, and I am urgently requesting your support with respect to the dozens upon dozens of families currently in turmoil (financially and emotionally) due to the recent bankruptcy filing of Imagine Adoptions.

I am writing as a mother of 4 who had planned to begin our Ethiopian Adoption through Imagine in the next year. I know there are families who have “passed court” and were awaiting travel notice to pick up their children… and who’ve now been told their children are in limbo, in Canadian transition homes in Addis Ababa wherein their financial accounts have been frozen and they may not be fed or taken care of to the standard of care they deserve. I know of a local (Okanagan)family in which the mother-to-be is now en route to her daughters in Addis Ababa to make sure they are cared for until the fiasco can be sorted out and the citizenship papers finalized. Meanwhile, her husband and father-to-be remains at home trying to provide the financial means to bring this adoption to a close… all the while worrying about his wife being a single mother in a foreign, third-world country. Also many families who have invested thousands of dollars and are in the process of waiting for their referral. This is heartbreaking for these families. International adoption tests our patience and will at the best of times. But there is a huge need here...143,000,000 orphans world wide. These families have gone through the struggles, emotional ups and downs...and now this.

I am urging you to please help expedite the citizenship legalities so these families can bring their beautiful children home. And for the families who never got to the “court” stage, I am urging financial help. They have invested tens of thousands of dollars, and years, into their dreams of building a family, and are now empty-armed.

Also, please take the time to read through this petition and sign it if you support it.
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html

Here is a link to my friend Justine's blog. She has written in great detail about what is going on.

♥~ode to D~♥

2009-07-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

oh sweet little D, how I love you so!!

D is my nephew. He captured my heart when my sister called and said "guess what? In 2 hours there will be a 6 week old baby living in my house!!"

"really?!!" I squeal...tears start and I don't even know anything about him yet. It doesn't matter because I love him already. We go on a mad dash to prep her very un-ready house for baby. I call a friend (hugs) who has a bunch of baby stuff in storage and she totally outfits my sis with all the goodies one could possibly need for a baby. We load it in my truck and I drive it on up. I open the door and officially melt into a pool of "I love D" mush on the floor. I wonder if I put him down at all during that visit?? Oh, I must have because I had my sweet ball of baby Noah who was only 1 at the time. Anyway....

He is my chocolate kiss. My smiling bliss. I can't imagine him not being my nephew.

When I started think about this post I was feeling kinda guilty that I haven't written about my other nieces and nephews yet. I have 2 nieces, and 5 nephews...all of whom I adore and love in a big, huge...auntie-jenns-the-next-best-thing-to-mama kinda way. All of whom deserve there own posts, which I will write at some point when the urge is overwhelming.

like now, for instance:

Yesterday my sis dropped of her 5 littlest ones while she took B, my oldest nephew (who's officially taller then me [5'9"] and only 12!!) to his first summer camp.

The older kids went and played outside, 2 year old M had a nap and D and I spent some time chillin' just the 2 of us. (a rare and precious moment)

I love him....he's so yummy I could just gobble him up....

D helping with the recycling...he sorted everything nicely into the toy basket but absolutely had to turn this one, uncrushed box into his super-D helmet!

oh dear, I've been busted

retreat!!

so fun being chased by Auntie

must continue the amazing cuteness and climb onto the table

oh, so much love!!!

~♥ celebrating big, big love ♥~

2009-07-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

moments before the birth of Willow

10 years.....a decade....4 children.....3 towns

more love the most people experience is a life time

pure and complete LOVE

(our song)

~I'm listening for birds~

2009-07-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Hearts bend ‘cause they can’t break

When they can’t take

All that is given to them

Glass eyes on your sad face

It’s a sad story

somebody’s written on you

Love in my heart,

right from the start

So please take me with you

Birds sing out the window

Sing out the window

sing

Do you hear those birds

sing out the window

Sing out the window

sing

Take me with your shovel

We’ll burry all your troubles

All your troubles

Oh the light is always on you

Always in the light

~Shovel by Katie Herzig

Today my dad called. He got the results...

not operable...

chemo...

radiation...

I am listening for the birds...♪♫♪♪♫

~cycle-therapy~ making it through the land of wait

2009-07-09T08:26:00.001-07:00

I remember the first time I read Oh The Places You'll Go by good ol' Dr. Seuss. When I cam to the waiting page I clearly remember thinking to myself "I will never wait like that...I will be to busy living to even notice waiting!" ha.....oh the thoughts of youth. And now, here I am living in the land of wait on so many levels...trying to remember to live while I wait. trying (sometimes desperately) to hold onto the joy of the moment while I do my very best not to notice every single tick of the clock...

waiting for the house to sell

waiting to travel and visit all our family (its been years)

waiting to move

waiting to find out about my dad's cancer treatment

waiting to start my doula/childbirth prep class business

waiting to open my ETSY fundraiser shop

waiting for hubby to record

waiting to begin our adoption process

waiting....waiting...waiting

In so many ways I have felt like our whole life is on hold...so much hanging on the selling of our house. There are so many things we decided not to do this summer "because our house will sell". And when it sells we will take our children on the much anticipated trip across Canada so that we can visit all of our family in the east who we haven't seen for years. And then we'll move.

But for now...waiting...back to waiting....

So I have decided recently "to hell with waiting!" I HAVE to do something or I am going to loose my mind, literally. I have started making play dates...my kids having sleepovers...saying yes to performance dates....yes to camping trips. If I have to cancel last minute my pep's will understand, heck, they are people who I love and who love me...they see this wacky tortured frame I have been (or maybe not if I'm that good at hiding it).

My hubby says I need to get myself really involved in some kind of Ethiopian Aid organization so that, even though the waiting will continue for a while longer, I can still feel productive. He's right (as usual...he knows me so well) That has been my plan all along but somehow, amidst all this waiting, especially the uncertainty around my Dad, I got sidetracked. So, to all you folks who are on the Ethiopia train, help?? can you share you wisdom? send me links??

Another way I have been making it through...that helps not only me but our children (who reflect my heart and mind so clearly). is to bike. It is physical activity, it is challenging....we breathe in the beautiful, clean air and are lifted by the very action. If ever there is a moment when we are out of balance we hop on the bikes and by the time we get home there is a calm that remains with us for the rest of the day.

How do you cope with waiting? How do you get through those challenging moments that are completely out of our hands? (or, at least it appears that way)

Willow and Noah peeking from within their snazzy ride

enjoying a romp in the greenbelt..a wonderful biking destination

~raising eco/organic kiddo's on a tiny income~ also know as the crazy long blog post

2009-07-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

I spend a fair amount of time with mama's and papa's of young kiddo's or those expecting their first miracle in the oh-so near future. So many conversations seem to circle....posts and posts worth. But one that has come up a lot lately is that of how to provide a green/eco/organic lifestyle for our children when our incomes are small...or heck, when we would just rather not spend excessively. So, here you go...my thoughts, tips and tricks.

As you know we are a home learning family of 6. We survive quite happily on the income my husband makes as a door craftsman. If you were to measure our income against that of the majority we would be placed in the "low income" category. But understand that for us, this is a conscious choice. I could easily go out and work, bumping us up into a higher tax bracket, but for our family it is more important to have me at home with our children. And so we work within our budget to fulfill our needs.

Now not only are we on a strict budget but we also have very high standard for ourselves and our children. It is soooo important to us that they way we live reflects what we believe. We realize that our most powerful vote is done with our dollars. We do not support places like Wal-Mart or McDonalds. We do our best to buy local, organic, handmade, recycled and "green" as much as we possibly can. So what does this look like in the daily lives of our family?

Diapering:

Well, the cheapest way to diaper is, well, to simply not diaper at all! It may sound crazy but Elimination Communication (EC-ing for short) is actually very easy and extremely rewarding. You can start at any age, so even if you're adopting an older baby it is fully possible..and sooo great for bonding! We started EC-ing with Noah when he was 4 months old and had it down within 3 days. We decided after 6 weeks that it wasn't for us as it required so much time and I was very bust homeschooling 3 older children, but I have many friends with 1 or 2 small ones who LOVE it and wouldn't go any other way so..... Check out Diaperfree Baby!

Cloth Diapering has worked best for our family and is what I plan to do with our babies when we adopt. It is cheap, economical, easy to do and gentle on babes skin (use a natural detergent and vinegar) and usually leads to early potty training as they can actually feel when they're wet. We also used wool soakers with Noah which I loved!! (no, they we're not itchy) We used Longies in the colder season and shorties in the summer (or just diaper free). It was great too because he only needed shirts...the soakers doubled as bottoms and are sooo super cute! I did some trade work with a local knitting goddess (canning, wool, shoes) who did a bunch of shorties and longies for Noah..all it cost me was $30 for the wool!

cloth diapering links:

Motherease (we swear by the one size that fit from newby to potty training!)

Aristocrat Wool soakers (the only leak free soaker for night time that we've ever found)

Kozy Designs make beautiful, high quality soakers...Noah still wears his favorite longies as pants even though he's been out of diapers for 7 months!

Diaper Shower makes cleaning poopy diapers a breeze!!

For those who find the art of cloth diapering daunting (its really not as hard as you think!) or for when your traveling etc they're are all kinds of eco options. G-diapers are my fav....compostable/flushable and made from tree pulp...a bit pricey but we only used them for nights when Noah was older or for long outings. Other good brands include 7th Generation chlorine-free disposables, Nature Baby Care (I have a friend who uses these and loves them)

As far as wipes go, we buy bulk packs of baby cloths (about 30 does the trick) and just toss them in the wash with diapers.

Food:

This is our single greatest expense. We eat mostly organic, cook from scratch and buy in bulk when ever we can. (we are part of an organic food co-op and buy sugar/grains/beans etc. is large quantities) With babies there are very few things we buy that are any different then what everyone else eats. We buy Natures Path organic Kamut Puffs (nice and cheap!) for an easy finger food, organic Arrowroot cookies by Healthy Times...that's pretty much it. Sometimes I'll by boxed organic rice or oat cereal and a large jar of organic apple sauce (unless I have some made) and use that for a quick breakfast. For the most part we stay away from pre-made baby foods...even organic ones. The nutritional value in these foods just can't compare with what your baby gets when you make their food yourself. One of the easiest ways to do this (aside from just feeding them what you're eating) is to do up small batches and freeze them in ice cube trays. Yam and quinoa, rice, tofu (or meat) and veggies, fruit and oatmeal...all of these things can be quickly reheated in a little stainless steel measuring cup (NO MICROWAVE!!!!!!) and is ready for baby to enjoy in minutes! Good convenience foods for baby: avocado and banana come in their own handy, dandy packaging! puffed kamut or sliced/grated fruit/veg in a small container (like these). We use a stainless steel sippy cup for water, spent $15 once and have had it for nearly all of Noah's life! (oh, did I mention we only eat out about 4 times a year?? that saves us a huge amount of $$)

Remember you can save huge amounts of money by growing food yourself and canning! Farmers markets often have awesome deals on bulk organic produce and you can preserve you own salsa/pasta sauce/canned fruits for a fraction of the cost of buying pre-packaged stuff! Not to mention that it tastes amazing and you feel good doing it!

Breast really is best! Not only does breast milk have everything your baby needs, it is also free!! Yay! You can breast feed your adopted baby as well! For more info/support go to Le Leche League International! This is what I plan to do when we adopt but I understand that it can be hard to have a full milk supply right away. As far as bottle feeding goes I have never personally done it, but plan to supplement when we need to. My kids have all been breast fed so my personal experience is limited to what I have learned through my sister who has adopted 2 babies. She has used organic formula and glass bottles with both. She does not use a microwave but warmed her babies bottles in hot water. Holding and skin to skin contact are key for bonding while bottle feeding...heck bottle feed in a sling and you can still have one hand free to push the grocery cart!! (can we say multi-tasking!)

Toys and "Stuff":

Less is More...this is the lesson we in the west seem to need to learn over and over and over...in every aspect of our lives. We are constantly trying to declutter/downsize/purge. So why the, I ask you, do we bombard our children with mountains of crap thinking that it will somehow give them fulfillment?? Haven't we already learned that the opposite is true?? hmmm.... I am just as guilty as the next person. I went up into the children's loft to help them clean a few years ago and was blown away by the shear amount of stuff!! Mind you, its not junk. Not cheap plastic stuff...but STILL it stuff...so much stuff!! We had practically the entire natural toy store up there! Who on God's green earth needs that many toys? And the answer...No One! Why? Because they DON"T play with it! Children become overwhelmed they don't know where to start and can usually be found playing with the same toys over and over (if they play with any at all) This goes for baby props too...bouncy seats, exersaucers, things that light up and beep.....ewwwwww!! I have yet to see a baby, surrounded by overstimulating toys who wouldn't rather play with a canning jar ring, spatula and bowl!!!

So, what did we do? We purged. We went through every single thing and whatever they hadn't played with in a long time we packed away. After a few months the kids and I looked at everything and decided to donate it because they realized that they didn't need all of those toys and they wanted them to go to children who don't have the privileged life that we have. (I love that our kids think we are rich!! ;) )

Now, when a holiday or birthday comes we get the children 1 gift each. (and we save so that it is a high quality gift) Something we have put a lot of thought into, often something we have made (like the kids wooden kitchen or Willows Waldorf doll) We usually get them 1 gift to share as well, high quality art supplies, games or books. They have never asked why they don't get a mountain of gifts, they have never felt like they were somehow missing out. We don't experience the overwhelmed sensation that comes (usually followed by a melt down) with excess. It is one of the best choices we have ever made.

Getting Around:

I am a huge advocate of baby wearing! I truly believe that it is best for both mama and babe in so many ways (maybe this deserves its own post?) The bonds that are created by constant contact can not be described unless its is experienced. To always know you child's needs, often before they ever need to cry to express them, is an amazingly empowering thing! When I see mama's carrying around those bulky, heavy bucket seats, rocking them to try and calm the crying baby while trying to fill something out at the bank or pick up the dropped item off the floor I just want to run up to her and hug her and say its OK...here try this (hand her a sling) and watch as her world is transformed. All the baby wants is her, to be carried. But how do you carry baby and big bucket seat?? (you can't)

I have heard many mama's say (and I have said this myself) "I Have tried slings and they just don't work for me." This is not a surprise when you look at the slings out there on the market. Bulky padding, thin fabric, tapered ends. Not good, sucky actually. Not to mention there are few resources to teach you HOW to carry a baby in a sling...sheesh! Spend a bit extra for a carrier that actually works (stay away from snugli!) The best sling I have ever used was made by a local lady...one of her prototypes. She made it out of a woven fabric that has they right combo of stretch and support. The closest thing that I have found to it is the Maya Wrap or the Ellaroo . I have also used the wrap style carriers. I did enjoy them but for me, the quick convenience of a ring sling was the way to go. I carried Noah in his sling exclusively until he was 1, and then I traded off with the Ergo.

I can't say enough about the Ergo!! It is an amazing carrier and as soon as baby starts to feel heavy in the sling it is the ONLY way to go! I have tried high quality frame packs, slinging him on my back, wrapping him on my back and nothing disperses his weight like an Ergo. I can haul fire wood for 2 hours, hike, grocery shop, cook dinner...anything and everything with him happily seated on my back. I have only just now started feeling him after about 30 minutes and he's a very big, almost 3 year old!

Check out the Learn Baby wearing to learn all the many ways you can wear your baby!

Carseats: The most economical way to do the car seat thing is to buy and all-in-one convertible that goes from newborn to booster seat. We don't need to buy a bucket seat just because the come with every stroller set out there. This is a great way to save a bit of $$ and if you buy your convertible on sale..well, even better!

Strollers: The only time I use a stroller is when we go ice skating. So, if you plan to do baby wearing and you don't ice skate you can easily go without a stroller! I do think that if we adopt twins (can you hear the hope in my...um typing?) that I will buy a twin jogger so that I can run with the babies while the older kids ride. Check out craigs list, ebay or freecycle for deals on second hand strollers. My last 2 strollers have been bought/traded second hand and where in amazing condition! (and even got passed on after me!)

Freecycle: for those of you who have never experienced freecycle before, check it out!! Sorted by location you can join a network of people who like to pass things on...for free!! Every morning I get an email from my freecycle community with a list of "to give away" or "wanted". People take what interests them and pass on what they don't need. It is amazing how much kid stuff gets passed on through our lil' freecycle community!!

Clothing:

This is one of those areas where people can go a little crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a sweet pair of shoes or an adorable dress just like the next guy BUT I use restraint....a LOT of restraint. I choose to buy 95% of our clothes second hand...I love thrift shops and consignment stores...so many treasures. You get the bonus of fantastic find plus the moral satisfaction of knowing that you are making a green choice by using something that is already there! (not to mention that, as far as non-organic clothing goes, they have already been washed many times and most, if not all of the heavy dyes/chemicals/fire retardants have been removed!)

I also save anything that is in good condition for the next child in line. If there is no "next child" then I find someone who can use them or donate them to the thrift shop. It never ceases to amaze me how often I hear mama's say "oh, you have a child of such-n-such a size? do you need clothes because I have bags taking up space in my closets!"

Shoes:

This is where I splurge. I LOVE good quality footwear. Our babes stay in soft soled shoes until they are 2-ish. Our #1 favorite for spring/winter/fall is the Padraig slipper. (see if you can spot 3 of our kiddos on the website!) Our whole family wears them...we are in love! lol Sooo cute, so warm. When our kids go outside in the winter they were their Padraigs inside their Stonz booties (even in -25!) We also wear Robeez when we don't need something quite as warm.

hmmmm...now that I've practically written a book I'm sure I've forgotten all kinds of key tips. Oh well, if you have a question that you think I mught be able to answer feel free to ask!

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

2009-07-03T08:06:00.001-07:00

I am covered completely in goose bumps, tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, for the third time this week!

I have been moved in ways I can't even describe by watching these amazing families go through the struggles and joys of waiting..."waiting with the infinite patience of those who have little choice but to wait" (~ from Cutting for Stone by A.V.)
I have been moved by the courage of these families as they reach across the world with hearts so completely open, welcoming in the kind of wonder from which dreams are made..the very best dreams. The deepest, truest kind of LOVE...big, big love...love divine!

So here I sit, celebrating for Julie and Steven...people I have never met...in such a deep way. Welcoming into their family FOREVER a sweet little Chunk of Love and a darling Degas Ballerina in a Blue Dress. You can read about their amazing journey over at The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened!

Congratulations guys!! You are such an inspiration to me in more ways then you can imagine!
(The Wish Bearer sure is making her rounds this week!!♥♥♥)

♥~woohooo!!!! Another family passes court!!~♥

2009-07-02T08:35:00.001-07:00

What a magical week!!!

After a VERY long wait and 7...count them, 7 court dates!!! Nicky and Jrock over at Rowan Family Tree are finally the ridiculously proud parents of beautiful, twin, nearly 3 year old girls: Sugar and Spice!

I am so, so, so happy for you guys!! Your daughters are stunning. I have so much admiration for the strength you showed during this painstaking process. Those girls are so blessed to have you loving and advocating for them.

Congratulations!

(she is called The Wish Bearer...seems she is making her rounds this week)

~143,000,000~

2009-07-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

I found this so moving. It really puts things into a tangible perspective!

(note: I am not endorsing Loving Shepherd specifically, but I believe that this really needs to be seen by EVERYONE so that the masses can begin to understand how extreme the situation is!!)

♥♥♥~THEY PASSED COURT!!!!!!!♥♥♥

2009-06-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

K...I am so ridiculously happy for Courtney and Jason over at Dandies in The Sunshine who just passed court and are officially the beaming proud parents of the super cute, cuter then a button Solomon!!!

Guys, I am so, so, so happy for you! Your son is a beautiful miracle and I believe you are just as much a gift to him as he is to you!

(she is called The Wish Bearer....seems she was visiting you!)

~ a simple womens daybook~

2009-06-30T08:51:00.000-07:00

I was over at Owlhaven and was inspired to join Mary in the Simple Women Daybook..

for today...

Outside my window… sunshine streaming through towering fir trees...dappled shade on the lawn.

I am thinking… about the amazing bonds of women and the beauty of relationships

I am watching… my kiddos bound around the house doing their morning chores and being all around silly

I am thankful for… my life in every way....the challenges I have faced that have brought me here, the people with whom I get to share this journey, being a mother

From the kitchen… crepes leftover from Eden's 11th birthday...thawing on the counter for supper tonight. the question: do we fill them with fruit and yogurt or steamed veggies and cheese sauce??

I am wearing… brown well worn gaucho's, a brown t-shirt and a super soft grey v-neck sweater

I am reading… Eragon to my daughter Eden (whilst daddy reads Franklin and dr.Seuss to the wee ones) for myself: African Ark: People and Ancient Cultures of Ethiopia and the Horn of Africa (Hardcover) by Carol Beckwith, Angela Fisher and Graham Hancock AND Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese

I am praying… for my Dad as he journeys through his battle with lung cancer. Also for patience and strength for those families who are waiting to pass court so that they can be together forever.

I am creating…costuming for my dance performance tomorrow at the Canada Day celebration

I am looking forward to…Going to Vancouver with my family to be with my Dad while he undergoes surgery.

A picture for today

beautiful falls near our home

wanna do this? share a link to your blog ok??

♀~the Beauty of Women~♀

2009-06-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

I was blog hopping early this morning and I came across a lady who posted this link http://theshapeofamother.com/

WOW....this website is so beautiful. SO moving. So TRUE!! Amazing images and stories of REAL women. Real bodies...beautiful bodies in every shape, size and color. Images that tell the stories of the wide and varied differences in the beautiful, sacred female form. The stories of the women who struggle with their image, who struggle with societies pressures and who are trying to rise above it. Learning to LOVE themselves and the form that they are in. Understanding that they ARE beautiful.

enjoy.

share.

Jenn

(near the end of my pregnancy with Honey)

~of my Dad and cancer~

2009-06-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

That's it.

My Dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 cm tumor in his right lung...possibly operable although they are doing test right now to see if its spread elsewhere.

my first thought. Damn cigarettes. you can't smoke for 50 years and not expect some negative side effect.

second thought. stupid man. stupid man for smoking for 50 years knowing full well that it was not a good thing to be doing to his body.

third thought. damn big business for being so damned concerned with big money that they don't give a sh*t about the fact that they're peddling death.

fourth thought. damn big money for owning all the pharmaceutical companies who make even more big money off of all the people who get sick and need crazy amounts of medical interventions.

damn you all!....grrrrrrrrr

fifth thought. damn me for trying to place blame when really what I need to do is spend my energy sending out big,. big love.

sh*t...sh*T...SH*T

isn't there a manual for "how to deal with an issue so multi layered that really, is there a beginning?"

well?

no?

I thought not. ((sigh)

(funny...this whole conversation happened in my head over the course of about 5 minutes...yeah, I'm well practiced at talking with myself)

My Dad and I have not always been close. We have had issues. Lots of issues. But somehow, over the past few years we have come to a place where there is forgiveness and acceptance. A place of firm boundaries and removed expectations. A place where healing and respect can flourish and honesty is welcomed. A place that is what it is....nothing more, nothing less.

In the past year my Dad and I have had some amazing conversations. Conversations on topics I never thought he would even be aware of, let alone have deep conversations about. During his winter illness (he has been really sick for almost a year) he became aware of the healing power of food. He started drinking a super-food juice combo that changed his life. My dad drinks coke and coffee, eats cheese and meat...and cheese..and meat.... he's drinking a super-food juice!!! Becoming more aware of the effects of all food on his body/life and striving to make a change there.

We've talked about alternative therapy's for cancer treatment. We've talked about foods and supplement's that have been shown to fight cancer and strengthen the body. He is optimistic (most of the time) and feels like he can really beat this. I believe he can.

I came to realize something the other day. I am so thankful for these last few years. To see such a change in him...like he woke up after a lifetime of sleep. There are people who "sleep" right up until the day death comes for them, never having known what it was like to open their eyes.

But him...his eyes are opening, slowly. And I wonder if his illness doesn't have something to do with that.

♥~Okanagan Life: Faces of Adoption~♥

2009-06-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

I just read this article and it made me smile....beaming on this Thursday morning. I LOVE that the stories of these fab-tastic families, formed in ways that sit somewhere out side the box of normality, are being celebrated and highlighted in such a wonderful way. What a great opportunity to educate people about adoption!

"Beyond blood, beyond race, beyond class, beyond nationality, beyond religion, there is a greater force that holds families together. It knows no borders. It knows no limit. And it can be found in these Okanagan faces of adoption"

Click on the magazine cover to read the full article...there are loads of adoption links at the bottom of the page. Happy reading!

xo
Jenn

♀~we are wise, wise women, we are giggling girls~♀

2009-06-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

Every year on the weekend of the Summer Solstice I pack my backpack and head out to an organic farm co-operative for the Wise Women Solstice retreat. In the 4 years that we have lived here I have always made sure that I make it out to at least part of this weekend of blissful women wonderfulness. This year I asked our oldest daughter, Beena now 11, if she would like to join me since, after all, she is almost a women. Her eyes were so full of light as she exclaimed " really??!!! YES!!". Her next question "mama, can I ask questions?"

You see, one of the things that Beena loves...more then nearly any thing else, is to sit with women, listening to conversations and asking all of the millions of questions that come to her creative mind. Her questions are deep and soulful, sweet and innocent, wistful and adventurous. She was beyond ecstatic to spend the afternoon/evening with all of these wonderful women who welcomed her with open arms, honoured by her inquistiveness and enthusiastic spirit.

Sharing this special, sacred time with our daughter made my day!!! heck, made my.....life!!??!! I have dreamed of doing these things with her when she was a baby...building the bond of our women connection. Strengthening her roots as she comes of age. Giving her confidence and faith in female relationships by inviting her to take part in an event such as this, where women and girls of all age, sizes, walks of life get together and celebrate our similarities and our differences. Having soooo much fun just being together. Relationships that grow year after year. Relationships that share laughter and tears....and food!! oh the food!! It never ceases to amaze me how phenomenal the food is when we all get together. Maybe we should rename the even the Hungry Women's Food Gathering!!lol

It was such a gift to be able to share this magic with my daughter. I am beyond grateful.

♀~base camp~♀

♀~Beena planting her tree~♀

♀~mmm, Greek salad for the feta queen~♀

♀~drumming to start an evening of music~♀

♀~a few of the stops along the fairy walk the Beena helped to create...enchanting lite by candles under the light of the moon~♀

~re-entering the bloggosphere~

2009-06-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

And so it begins again. I'm BACK!!!!!!

My hiatus has been rejuvenating in so many ways. I have spent more time with my kiddies reading, playing and exploring, wrapped up another awesome year of homeschooling (although, really we don't ever stop learning☻), recovered from the craziness of renovating this house and remembered what it's like to have a wee bit of that illusive thing known as time. I have spent time with amazing friends, planted my beautiful garden, read many blogs that have inspired and moved me...sometimes as a lurker:), spent time sewing...those curtains and muslin I've been holding onto forever became this......

...super fun belly dance costume with a big bustle skirt and bloomers! We have spent many hours talking about our future and have decided to move back to this little hamlet of awesomeness a place of summer sun and many beautiful friends. Dad-E-o has wonderful work and we get to have access to things that have been unavailable to us for the last 4+ years(like a pool, arts, culture and oddles of home learners to hang with)

I am excited to be beginning my Birthing from Within mentor-ship training and can't wait to begin mentoring Childbirth Preparation classes with my dear friend T!

I feel inspired and excited about life in general and am learning how to be patient in a whole new way (and here I thought I had the patience thing down..hA!)

((sigh)) it has been an eventful 6 months! I am excited to be back! To share the tidbits that float around my mind with you and to take part in the beautiful exchange of connectedness that can magically occur through this crazy piece of technology.

~Goodnight Sweetheart, Goodnight~

2009-02-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

I've realized something about myself. Well, re-realized actually. I am a very busy lady. A very busy lady who is, inside, much more like a slow cooked meal or a well steeped chai. I like to take my time to do the things I love to do. I like to MAKE the time to do the things I love to do. Somehow, lately I've felt like I have no time at all. Like I'm running all day and still 10 steps behind....or 1000 steps, depending on the day.

So it occurred to me...I NEED to re-prioritize my life. To find the time, make the time to do the things I love. To have conversations on the phone with the people in my life instead of dropping an email or facebooking them. To write (like, with a pen/paper/crayons) in my journal and play my guitar. To snuggle in bed with my kids rather then running upstairs to finish up some "work" on the computer. Really there are sooooo many things that I could do with the few moments in the day that are found between meals, outings, lessons and chores. There is magic here, between these walls.....between this earth and sky. And me, Jenn, Melodious Mama is on her way to discover it. I'm saying goodbye to bloggersville and journeying onwards, ready to explore the unexplored, to re-explore the sorrowfully neglected. So, to all of you I say goodbye for now, until we meet again!

~goodnight sweetheart!

wow..for me?? really??!!

2009-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

I must share my excitement....I just can't keep it to myself!! So, my dear friend A makes an announcement at dance class that there is going to be a Tribal Fusion belly dance workshop happening on the coast in March. Ooooooo, I say, who, where, when??? Ariellah she say.....Ariellah?! Really??!!

Okay, I tend to watch a fair bit of YouTube. Tribal belly dance videos specifically, and miss Ariellah happens to be one of the few dancers that I really enjoy. She does gothic belly dance, which, while it is not quite my thing, is still rather striking. The way she moves. Her expression and choreography are amazing! So, needless to say I am tempted, REALLY tempted to go. Just to top it off, A lets me know that if I can't afford it I can go along with her as her "helper". She manufactures tribal belly dance clothes and imports jewelry from the far reaches of the earth and will be the only vendor at the event...a vendor in need of a helper.

So here in begins my struggle. You see, I have never been without my Sweetie Boy. The longest we have been apart was last year when I took a day long workshop 5 minutes from my house. This is entirely different. I will be 5 hours away. Gone from early Friday until late Sunday. Now, Sweetie boy is super secure and LOVES being with Dad-e-o. Heck, on weekend I'm not even aloud to get the wee one out of his car seat...."Daddy me out, Daddy!" okay, okay, I hear you.
Not only that but he rarely nurses (well, except on days like today where I swear he thinks he's a newborn again!) only a few time a day, and he doesn't nurse during the night anymore.

The truth of the matter is that it will be harder on me then it will be on him. So, after days of deliberation and consultation I have decided...........

...............drum roll please..............

to go!
I am sooooo excited. I start making plans to spend all dance free time with my soul sista Jess, ecstatic to have a night out in the big city. But as I'm going over all these plans I begin to think, maybe, just maybe, there is some way I could spend my time more wisely. I mean, if I' going to be spending time away shouldn't I be doing something functional?? something logical??

So I start looking into doula training programs in the area. I have a whole shwack of training and workshops under my belt but I'm missing one bit of certification that I need for this job for a government funded organization that will pay for Doula's for young mama's and those who don't have the funds to pay for a Doula themselves. I REALLY want to work there, and they have been patiently waiting for Sweetie boy to be old enough that I can leave him with Dad-e-o to attend births.

Well, as I'm driving Dad-e-o back to work one afternoon (we share a truck right now) I ask him what his thoughts are on me choosing to take the Doula training instead of the dance workshop. It's a bit more expensive, I explain, but it will mean an income for me in the not to distant future AND I can add it to my bushel of certificates when I apply for midwifery school a few years from now.

He turn and looks at me....trys not to laugh.

What? I say....am I missing something.

Apparently so...He goes on to say, in a VERY sarcastic tone, that I don't deserve to have things for ME, and that how could I even think of spending money on myself...lazy, good for nothing, selfish women...
by now he IS laughing.

What? I just...well I mean, I thought that if I had to choose one the Doula would be more logical!

He looks at me again, seriously this time. "Do both.....if you had to do one I would say go dance...go do something for you that has NOTHING to do with children. Refuel! You deserve this!"

Honestly, the though NEVER crossed my mind. I so rarely spend money on myself (not that we have money to spend). There is always a child who needs a coat, or a truck that needs a part, or property tax that needs to be paid. There is never money left over for mama. Let alone money for me to take 2 workshops, both things I LOVE with a passion.

The rest of the drive I could barely contain my excitement. I kept looking over at him with this stupid grin on my face like I had just won the lottery or something. The truth is I feel like I have. I feel appreciated, like he actually sees me. Sees everything I do for our family, all the sacrifices I make out of love for our children. He is saying thank you, and I will say your welcome...and I will go, with a heart full of gratitude!!

~With our own 12 hands~

2009-02-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have been reading for a while you will remember that our house is for sale. (new readers~ my first few posts talk a bit about this if you feel so inclined to read back) After months and months of ceaseless labour our finished home was placed on the market....and there it has sat. We took it of for a few weeks to take care of some banking business and last night we re-listed, lowering the price.

Dad-e-o and I had a great conversation after our realtor left and the kids were tucked in. The question we mulled...What are we going to do? What do we want?

We've been kind of avoiding both of these thoughts. Just enjoying this time of quiet and the break from such heavy work. We've briefly checked out listings, but there is nothing we're interested in.

When we first started working on our house with the vision to sell held steadily in focus, we planned to build when we sold. We weren't just planning to build any ol' house but a passive solar straw bale home of our own design. And while we built?? we planned to live in a yurt and enjoy the simple life. We wanted to become a self sufficient as possible...a huge garden and green house, chickens, goats...maybe even horses. We wanted Dad-e-o to be able to build a shop/studio on our property and create his art at home. We wanted to live as minimalistaically as possible and build our house by bartering with friends and trading with other folks who would become friends. We wanted to reduce our mortgage to nearly nothing so that we can actually LIVE our life and take time to do all of the things that we dream of doing.

As our house came nearer to completion we realized 2 things. (well, many things actually, but 2 more predominant) 1. That building a house ourselves while homeschooling and such was a LOT of work...maybe more then we wanted to tackle at this point. and 2. that we couldn't afford to buy vacant land because the bank wanted us to finish our house on what we consider to be a totally unrealistic time frame. We wanted to build our house slowly...without the stress of dates pushing us to burn ourselves out.

So we decided to look into buying a house on acreage...a relatively finished house. The thing is, every time we look we get this feeling like we should just turn off the computer and do something else. Like we are somehow missing the other part of the picture.

We were sitting last night, in the living room, Dad-e-o putting fresh strings on a few of our guitars, me nursing sleepy Sweetie Boy, ponder the questions.....what do we really want?

Are we going to buy some house that doesn't need a tone of work? A house that will essentially keep us right where we are....in a place that doesn't equate to our life style. A house that leaves us with an "affordable" mortgage. A house that is so conducive to this typical western way of living...a way of living that we will settle for?

Something just feels wrong about that.

So then maybe we should just stay here? This house has been transformed into something that is not only esthetically beautiful but energetically as well. We have used as many "green" building methods as we could. We designed it so that the energy of a large family could flow through it in a calm manner, where there is a place for everything. It is on 3/4 of an acre in a beautiful neighborhood close to all "amenities". This house is nicer then anything we can afford...granted we can transform a hole in the ground into something breathtaking in a matter of months BUT....

we need to keep moving forward. We need to keep our vision in our minds. We can't just settle for mediocrity because the market is slower, it's easier or because our vision requires work. Something else that I've realized is that I actually LIKE work..really hard work that keeps you so busy you don't have time to be bored or idle. Work that propels you towards something, manifesting the vision with your own 2 hands. There is something so soulfully rewarding about this kind of work.

As our conversation moved and shifted we came to realize that on sooo many levels we NEED to keep our focus on our vision. Every time we try to shift our focus to a more "normal" picture it just feels wrong. And so we went to bed with a renewed inspiration...we may not know exactly how, but we will manifest our vision, with our own 2 hands....well, with our own 12 hands.

(and more when our new babies come home...many hands create light work)

(You can scroll down to the bottom of the page to turn off the music and listen to the video)

~Praying fro Tuesday~

2009-01-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

wow, I am so moved by this story. Illness, a sweet child, a family in need, a mothers pain, LOVE.

Heather over at The Extraordinary Ordinary is donating $1 for every comment made on her blog post We get by with a little help from our friends. Please drop by and comment....every little bit helps.

*update* Tuesday past away on January 30. Donations are still being collected to help her family through the challenging times that lie ahead.

~A Mothers Fears~ part 2

2009-01-30T10:39:00.000-08:00

Fear had taken over....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

Never in my life have I EVER felt so horrific. Time seemed to be holding me in some kind of hammock, swaying me in and out...shifting my perspective without so much as a warning. I felt, for the first time, completely disconnected from the earth. Like I was some how walking in some kind of ethereal plane...not in a deep meditative kinds of way. In a bad dream you can't wake up from, falling but you never touch the ground kind of way.

I need to get grounded, but I felt disoriented.

After my first remedy dose I was able to eat again. I started with salad...all I wanted was salad. Slowly I added oatmeal, chicken and Spelt sourdough bread. I couldn't eat potatoes/pasta/rice/sugars/dairy. I couldn't eat cooked veggies. I didn't realize it but my body was detoxing. Big time. The things that came out of me....(I'll spare you the details) stunned me. I started drinking a whole food/greens/protein shake which really helped with my energy levels.

Another moth passed and I was given a new remedy by my homeopath. When I woke up the next day the nausea was gone! I was so happy!! I actually made lunch! When Dad-e-o came in he was so surprised. I was eating and smiling and had made him food! I could see in his eyes a kind of joy that made my smile broaden. I know how scared he had been. So afraid that he was going to lose me. And this simple act, this smile and prepared lunch was enough to shift his hope to a whole new place.

Something I should mention about the panic and anxiety attacks that I was having~ I didn't realize that's what it was. Having never experienced it before I only knew that it was horrible, but I didn't know why. I new I felt like I was dying but I had no idea how much of a role my fear played in that.

One day as I was driving to town (about 15 minutes away) listening to CBC radio. They were doing an interview with different medical professionals about anxiety. I was instantly draw in and listened with wrapped attention for the duration of the interview. My mind was whirling. Was that it? Was this the answer to one aspect of what I was experiencing?

I spent weeks pondering, mulling, steeping this information in my mind. Fear. It all came back to fear. This is when I remembered the conversation my daughter and I had had all those months before. What I fear is fear. Wow. Justifiably so, I thought, having now experienced such acute and overwhelming fear. Fear is a powerful thing. In the past 3 months every time I experienced pain and nausea I also experienced extreme fear.

I began, slowly, to understand that the fear was something that I could choose to let go of. In those moments when my body was hit with pain I could choose to let that translate into fear and then be thrown madly about on the sea of chaos, OR I could choose to realize that it was fear that made me feel so much worse and try to understand what my body was trying to tell me.

It turn out that my body was trying to tell me something rather specific. Over the next few years I would learn to listen. Every bit of pain, every wave of nausea, every ache or frightening flash of blood was a very clear message.

First of all, I realized what a huge roll stress plays in my health. If I over load my plate or do things that are not in harmony with who I AM, I become stressed and then I become ill. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, how can a homeschooling mother of 4 who makes everything from scratch avoid stress?

LOVE.

It's all about love. When love is the priority everything else seems so simple. We have learned to take the daily stresses of life with a grain of salt. We value our family unity above all else and realize how fickle the material things of this life are. (which is what tends to cause the most stress in our culture) so yeah, LOVE, baby!

Secondly, I came to understand the power of FOOD. You know the old saying "You are what you eat." It's true. The diet of the average north American is disgusting. Revolting even. The rates of cancer, obesity, diabetes, degenerative disease, depression, anxiety, ADHD, mental illness...these rates are both shocking and appalling. How is it that we have allowed this to happen? because the cheap, readily available food options taste good? It just doesn't equate.

I have always been a "healthy" eater. I've never eaten much junk food. I didn't drink pop or eat at fast food places frequently. I bought organic when I could afford it and ate a largely vegetarian diet with little processed food. But there was room for improvement. Apparently a LOT of room for improvement.

I began to pay attention to the way I felt and what I had eaten recently that might be a cause. Wow...after going through illness detox, my body messages were loud and clear. Everything I ate translated to either health and healing or illness and pain. Processed foods with preservatives/high fructose corn syrup/flavor enhancers/hydrogenated oils/artificial flavours (even ones claiming to be "natural")/artificial color and sweeteners- ALL made me sick. Now think about whats in your cupboard. Go on, read some labels. It is shocking to realize how many of the things we buy have these things in them. Now think about going out for dinner or catching a quick bite when your in a rush. Most of the convenient food options out there contain ALL these things.

So, whats a girl to do? Come shopping with me....my cart: loaded with fresh produce, mostly organic (about half full), organic yogurt and soy yogurt (for my boys who can't have dairy), butter, organic soy milk, cream for Dad-e-o's organic whole bean coffee, organic tofu, organic tortilla chips (lightly slated), organic corn and rice cakes, salsa, sour cream, white cheddar cheese (sometimes feta or ricotta), organic salad dressing, olive oil, celtic sea salt, whole organic chicken or breasts, frozen organic veggies and blueberries, Organic sprouted grain bread, flour tortillas.

I take part in a organic food co-op where we buy bulk items (all organic) slow cooking oats, spelt and wheat flour, evaporated cane juice, popping corn, kamut pasta and spelt udon noodles, dried beans. I get my eggs from friends who have free range chickens. I make all of our baked good- cookies, muffins, cakes from scratch. I love to cook and make dinner every night (often with Dad-e-o). food has become sacred to me. By honoring it, choosing what we buy carefully, we, in turn, honour ourselves.

We don't spend money on eating out. We don't spend money on buying "munchies" or grabbing a coffee. We don't drink alcohol so there is no money going to that. What we do spend money on is groceries. It took a while for us to get into the rhythm of it...and to get used to the total of our grocery bill. But when the other option is to be sick it is VERY motivating!

So between figuring out the fear/stress factor and the food factor I began to heal myself with the help and support of the people in my life. It's been just over 4 years now. A few months ago my doctor suggested that we run a bunch of tests. He had been my doctor for 2 years (prenatal care) but I had never really told him my history. I finally transferred my file to him (all 50lbs of it, lol) and he, very respectfully, suggested that we cover all the basics, just to see. So, I found myself, yet again, getting vile upon vile of blood taken, going for ultrasounds and a colonoscopy, seeing specialists.

I get a phone call saying my results are in. I walk in to his office and he is grinning ear to ear. He goes on to tell me that what ever I'm doing I should keep doing. All my test have come back healthy and normal!! Blood tests that I was told would NEVER change, changed. I had a healthy pap for the first time in my life. My bowels, "beautiful" to quote the internologist.

I get goose bumps every time I think about it. He says to me, that he has never seen such a healthy, happy person and that I was blessed.

Yes, I am blessed.

Fear can sometimes be a catalyst for change.

seven things.......hmmm

2009-01-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

well, I was tagged by a loverly lady over at Dreams of Quill and Ink to play the "seven things about you" game. I'm not quite sure who to tag....

Anyway, my list.

1. I'm growing my hair out. For me this is a rather big deal.....manifesting the vision of the medieval goddess with curly tress that hang below her waist. You see, every time I have a baby I get this itch to hack it off. To somehow re-claim my image by doing something funky with my hair. I have succumbed to this urge after every baby EXCEPT Sweetie Boy. My hair now hangs down below my shoulder blades!! I'm getting there, I just need to fully embrace my stubborn side and keep going. That said, I have a hair appointment on Thursday. Just a trim...some long layers....keeping it fresh and alive whilst maintaining length. I can't wait!! (I get to go by myself, which is exciting in and of itself!!)

2. Dad-e-o and I decided to tattoo our wedding rings when we were married. Because we both play music and work with our hands neither of us ever wear rings.....not to mention we thought it was a pretty fantastic way to say "Forever"!

3.I am afraid of the dark....sometimes. Not always for some reason...haven't figured that one out yet. Actually, I have but thats a post all onits own.

4. I LOVE to sew!! I am in the process of making a pair of jeans from 2 pair that I didn't like....we shall see how it all turns out. I dream of one day making clothes by the rack full and selling to inspired people who like to express themselves through what they wear.

5. I am super "crunchy"....what ever that means. All I know is that whenever I read someones description of themselves and "crunchy" is present, usually we have a lot in common. I tend to do nearly everything differently then the general population, which I find liberating. I believe it makes it easier for me to dare to do somethings that others shy away from...I've never really gone with the "flow" and so I feel no need to join the flock o-sheep.

6. I love ancient bits from other lands. things drenched in history and rich culture. I guess this is why I feel so drawn to Tribal Belly Dance......the costuming is absolutely amazing!!

7. I use cloth menstrual pads and LOVE them!! I really think that every women should give them a try....no guilt, soft comfort, no nasty toxins to taint our sacred places.

so, now the tagging part...actually, I don't have time to tag....so, if your reading this and you feel so inspired to write your own "super 7" list then please, consider yourself tagged!

Stand by Me

2009-01-27T17:59:00.001-08:00

Okay, I promise that I will finish my "A Mothers Fears" story soon, BUT I had to show you all this beautiful video. I saw it posted by Nicky over at Rowan Family tree and it moved both Dad-e-o and I greatly. It is such an inspiration. A song that I have sung so many times and will continue to all of my life. Stand by Me....performed by people all over the world, together...evoking unity on oh so many levels.

Enjoy~

~ A Mothers Fears~ part 1

2009-01-23T08:50:00.000-08:00

As mama's I think it is part of our job to have all manner of odd and frightening scenario play through in our minds. I remember the first time I had a frightening/morbid thought~ That somehow my daughter would fly out of the stroller while I was stopped at the curb and get hit by a car. Actually, the visual was much more disturbing then that...all the fears of a new mama packed into one horrifying thought. In all reality it isn't very likely BUT it gave me an element of caution that might not have been there otherwise. And who's to say that that caution didn't save that babe on more then one occasion? Now imagine 11 years of fears. 4 babies. 4 children. All the fears that have translated into different cautions and preparedness.

Sometimes our fears can be a catalyst for change.

One sunny day about 4 and a half years ago, while driving into town with my children, Beena asked me a question.

"What are you afraid of mommy?"

I thought about it for a long time. At that point in my life I had let go of many of my "fears" and was in what I thought to be a much more trusting/positive/faithful place.

I answered "Fear. Fear is what I fear most."

It wasn't long after that that my earth was shaken. First Honey broke her elbow. A 1 year old in a cast is a sad thing indeed! We had vehicle problems. Then we experienced some fairly major family trauma during which I heard fear, real fear, in my husbands voice for the first time. There is still lingering pain from this...I wonder if it will ever heal.

Shortly afterwards I became ill.

Now, I guess the first thing you should understand is that I have struggled with illness all of my life. As a child I seemed to catch everything. As a teen I struggled with symptoms that I didn't understand, and being in a high stress situation (living on my own/working/going to school) from way to early on surly didn't help.

After the birth of my first child my symptoms worsened. I was in pain, exhausted, far to thin. My specialists wanted me to take all kinds of drugs and I was getting 10+ viles of blood taken every few months. I refused to take the prescribed medication. I had done enough research and had enough experience to know that my body reacted horribly to their medication. I would always get nearly every reaction known and be in more misery then when I began.

I told them that I would be taking a natural approach and began an intensive vitamin therapy regime. My health improved and Dad-e-o and I decided we would be open to having another child at this point. I was told that it was very likely I would be to high risk later on in life. After Mr. Bops birth I was healthier then I had ever been. I continued to take supplements and began to eat more and more organic whole foods. We began trying for baby number 3 (which took all of about 2 weeks) and I experienced my healthiest, most vibrant pregnancy yet. Honey was born at home in a swimming pool that we had set up in our living room with no complications. I recovered quickly and felt healthier then ever.

I had healed myself. Through healthy eating, an active lifestyle, loving support and a positive outlook I had done something that I was told was impossible and I was impowered by that.

and then I got sick.

It hit me hard. My body was rocked and my mind along with it. I panicked. How could this be happening? I was healed! what is going on! I could barely move for weeks.

I was so blessed to have my hubby working across the front lawn. He would make the kids breakfast and get them dressed. He would come in on his morning break and change diapers/get snacks. He would be in making lunch and back again at his afternoon break. After work he would make supper, read stories, put kids to bed, do laundry, tidy the house. He was my savior.

I began to see a homeopath after the first few weeks. I was able to eat again the day after the first dose of my remedy. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't been able to eat for far to long and had already lost nearly 30lbs. (did I mention I was thin to begin with?)

One of the things that I struggled with the most during this time was fear. I was experiencing panic attacks and anxiety for the first time in my life. I was so desperately afraid that this was never going to end. That I would never be able to parent my children. To play with them in the sunshine or cook dinner with them. To home school them. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to clean my own house, tend my own garden. I was afraid my husband would look at me and realize he'd made a horrible mistake and leave me.

Fear had taken over.....it has a tendency to do that if we're not careful.

~Laughter is the Best Medicine~

2009-01-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

He says I look beautiful.

Maybe its the sweaty, tousled hair, the rosy cheeks and shinning eyes.
Maybe its the vulnerability that illness brings.

He says I look sexy.

I smile.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my sweaty forehead.
I laugh, hope he doesn't breathe in to deeply. Sweat gives off more then a shinning glow you know.

He says laughter is medicine.
He's right.
He is my Patch Adams and I already feel better.
Sure my breast is still inflamed, my feverish body is still exhausted, my head is pounding with an evil migraine that somehow always accompanies mastitis in my world.
But I am smiling.
My heart is whole and I feel lifted by what he gives me.
I can feel my body relaxing and I KNOW that if I can truly relax my body WILL heal.

He comes up beside me munching an apple.

"I know this sound cheesy" he says "but, I really do eat an apple a day."

Did I mention that he NEVER gets sick?

"Just wondering....do you?"

I smile as the sun reflects on his juice splattered lips while he chews, grinning.

No....maybe an apple a week. What is this, hubby's right about everything day??

It is gloriously bright this morning.

I am smiling, as I reach for an apple.

Grosgrain: The Lunch Date Blouse GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-01-14T22:20:00.000-08:00

a gifted lady giving away beautiful gifts

Grosgrain: The Lunch Date Blouse GIVEAWAY!!!!

~I Need Africa more the Africa Needs Me~

2009-01-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

This brings tears to my eyes and speaks a truth that is so very alive within me.

~I am a human bassinet~

2009-01-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

Sweetie Boy has been on me for nearly 4 days straight. Day and night. Waking ever half hour to cough and nurse. Wailing at the misery of it all.

Honey hasn't left the couch for 3 days. Her fever is running high and her cough brings tears to both our eyes.

This is when I need that extra set of arms that everyone's always talking about. One for each sweet child in need rather then only one set for the child who needs them most.

I am counting down the minutes until Dad-e-o gets home. Trying to decide whether I should go to dance tonight for a little bit of re-fueling mama time. Sweetie Boy is definitely on the upswing...and he has been nursing/napping on me for 3 hours now. Maybe he'll be alright to snuggle with Dad-e-o and read Grumpy Bird and Baby Beluga over and over. Honey will be in bed right after supper....hmmmm. But let us not forget that it's snowing, just to top it off. Maybe if it stops before dance I should take it as a sign. A mama-needs-to-get-outta-the-house-before-she-loses-her-mind sign.

Did I mention my bum is numb? oh, and you don't even want to see my kitchen. (down right disgusting)
((sigh))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well, Honeys fever just went up again. I switched her to Belladonna, a homeopathic remedy that seems to really grasp the picture of her illness. Crossing my fingers that it helps.

Sweetie Boy woke rather cheery and played for a few blessed minutes while I tended to Honey.

I guess there will be no dance tonight....ah well, next week.

Only minutes until Dad-e-o arrives on his valiant steed....my hero!

~20 totally random things about me~

2009-01-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

1. I yearn to live minimalistically....I would love to dwell in a yurt with my family with only the essentials, of course this includes instruments and art supplies.

2.I am allergic to horses, which is unfortunate as our darling Beena Loves to ride. The up side: we have discovered a breed of horse that is "hypoallergenic" so we're crossing our fingers that we can still realize our dream of horses in the pasture on our land.

3. The first time I sang in public I was 4. The song was called Wisdom...it was rather prophetic, describing me so well.

"Wisdom, Wisdom make me strong,
Bring me joy when birds have lost their song.
Wisdom, Wisdom I love you more then gold.
All my heart will seek for you until I'm very old."

I sing this song with my children♥

4.I dream to record an album with my husband some day....there is magic in the music between us.

5.A friend once called me "the baby whisperer" and the thought made my soul sing.

6.For many years I was held captive by the fear of illness. I have been liberated from this fear which inspires me more then I can say.

7.Watching our children grow gives me more joy then I though possible.

8.I love to cry. Tears heal me and I find so much more is released then the moment seems to call for. My tears often make my hubby smile for they are rarely tears of sadness.

9.I feel blessed to have the love that I do....overflowing and ever fruitful

10. Dancing frees my soul and re-balances my mind.

11.I LOVE to cook....especially while listening to something fantastic and dancing all the while.

12. It's true, I'm a health nut.

13. I am very opinionated.

14.I am learning when to speak and when to listen.

15. I love unconditionally, with all of my being.

16.I believe that the moon cycles of a women are sacred. There is a power within the celebration of our womanhood in its completeness and I truly believe that so much of the world will change when the pain that lays within our centers is healed.

17.I love oatmeal.

18.I wonder if my dream of being a midwife will ever manifest...I wonder if I want it to

19.adoption has been a dream my whole life. Recently I have come to realize that the time is coming soon...my heart has already left on its journey across the sea.

20.I see a harp in my future.

~Our Natural Rhythm~

2009-01-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

I am excited!

There is so much to do. So much to learn.

We had decided that this year we would take the typical 2 week Christmas break that the schools take. Allow extra time for crafts and general festiveness. The problem with that was that I ended up with this odd sense of floundering...like I somehow lost my purpose. Silly, I know. You'd think one would welcome a break from crazy busy land BUT I am realizing that something is shifting in me. I thrive on crazy busy land. I am inspired by everything that I have to get done in a day. I rarely ever feel idle. I nearly always feel productive. AND because I have chosen to live my life inspired, my days are filled with tasks that I enjoy. (well, except cleaning the bathroom.....and a little laundry elf would be really helpful)

There is a wonderful rythym to the way our year flows. In September, when the weather shifts and the children spend more time indoors, we begin doing morning lessons. Our lessons are based on what our children want to learn so we are all eager to journey through.

During the depths of winter, which are rather long and very cold here, we craft more, invent more, bake more. These things naturally fill the space that is created by the cold temperatures and need to be indoors.

When spring arrive we spill outdoors, spending hours walking, preparing the soil for planting, collecting...watching the earth wake up. By the time April draws to a close we are done our morning lessons for the year. We have completed that same amount of "learning weeks" as public schools (36 weeks), but having taken no holiday weeks we are officially "done" the 3rd week of April.

Summer is spent barefoot. Hours drift by in the garden. Habitats are built for little critters. Fairies can be seen climbing trees and bouncing happily on the trampoline. We hike and bike, swim and build sand sculptures, harvest and preserve. Curiosity is every child's innate gift and we are all educated by the fruits of the season and explorations that are brought to us on the warm breeze.

So I've realized something. I don't need to take a "break" from "schooling". We don't "school", we LIVE!! Oh, I really do feel so blessed by this affirmation. I guess one could say that by taking a "break" I really gave myself a gift. The gift of understanding and of acceptance that we flow in a way that is natural to us. That is right for us. A way that works so well for our family that we are filled by our very existence.

~winter images~

2009-01-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

Hunting for and finding the perfect tree to thin from an over crowded cluster

Sweetie Boy freshly awake from nap-land.

The LOVES of my life!

Getting outside for a few minutes of fresh air in the brrrrr cold (-25)

Honey in the sunshine and our Winter Wonderland

Honey getting ready for her first dance performance.

Sweetie Boy trying to walk in skates....to cute!

Our Christmas tree...all 12.5 feet of it. (it didn't look that big outside!)

Sweeite Boy and his boat...his new favorite thing.

Love!

Holly, the doll I made for Honey.

Blessed Mama

~So long 2008~

2008-12-31T08:57:00.000-08:00

It has been a wild year. Wild and wonderful. When I look back and see how things have shifted I am humbled and inspired. This life is so exciting!! I just made a video for all our family who live miles and miles away...a compilation of photos from the past year, and WOW did it ever put things into perspective!

I saw our house stripped down to studs and the reconstructed and made into the beautiful sanctuary that it is now.

I saw our beautiful children grow and change, becoming more even beautiful and brilliant as time passed.

I saw the confidence grow in my husbands eyes as he labored to create the home we envisioned...manifesting it so completely.

There have been so many changes this year.

Again I was reaffirmed that our decision to home school is the best for our family. That allowing our children to lead their own learning will take our family on the most amazing of journeys.

This was the year that I finally joined belly dance, something I have wanted to do for years. I discovered how fulfilling it was to actually take time for myself and do something I love and watched how the magic of that reflected in all areas of my life.

There was so little time for community activities, friends and even family that we were able to really see what we were missing and truly appreciate what it is that we have here in our little town in the forest. We were able to realize how much we value the relationships we have built and the way that we have woven ourselves into the tapestry that is this wonderful community. I could feel our roots digging deeper as we realized that we really do want to stay here.

This was the year that music re-awoke within my husband. I watch as he composes and am in awe of his gift.

This was the year that our son was diagnosed autistic. The year I began to teach those around me who work with children on the spectrum a different way to look at Autism. This was the year I was truly affirmed in the amazing brilliance of our son and was able to truly advocate for the empowerment and celebration of Autism as a gift.

This was the year that my heart took flight and soared across the ocean. The year I realized that the time was nearing to manifest our dream of adopting and that somewhere in Ethiopia, at some point in the not to distant future, we would find the children that would complete our family.

This was the year my Heart grew. It excites me to imagine where I'll be when my hair is long and white and I awake with the dawn to do yoga in my garden....so many years of blossoming left, I can't even wrap my head around it!

And so I welcome 2009 with an open heart, full of anticipation, inspiration and excitment!

~Gestating Elephant Style~

2008-11-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

So, is it at all normal to feel such intense swells of emotion? My heart in my throat, my eyes welling up with tears. I realize that in my last post, written just this morning, I talked about patience and faith and believing. And its not that I don't truly feel/know those to be reality....it's just I'm not sure I can handle waiting to bring home our sweet babes from so far, far away.

Here I am, 9:34 at night, kids in bed, hubby in bed, cup of Tension tamer tea in hand reading adoption blog after adoption blog. Every 2 minutes I feel the tears well up again and I think...sheesh!! this is soooooo much like early pregnancy. Or when your pregnant and don't know it yet. I can almost see the rush of hormones any time I even think of our babies. And when I read about these families who are waiting for referrals or waiting for their court dates or waiting to travel I think "it all takes so long.....how can we wait to begin??!!" Or at least how can I wait to begin. It is all so much easier for Dad-e-o. He is not pulled by his heart strings the same way I am. He doesn't gestate in the same all encompassing way that I do. There is so much else going on in our lives with moving/children/work/music that it is easier for him to hold on to the knowledge that we will start once we've settled into our new home and taken our kids on our cross Canada journey. ahhhhh, why can't I jump into his head and just chill in that mind frame for a while??!! Just kick back and live the whole "be here now" loveliness that Ram Dass was talking about.

Oh Ram Dass....where for art thou?? lolol, but seriously, I find myself ebbing and flowing with stormy tidal ferocity. Crashing into obsession and then pulling myself out into distraction. Obsession, distraction, obsession, distraction...

BUT...it really does make sense to wait. Our house is for sale. When it sells, hopefully in late winter/early spring we will move to our new, currently undetermined home. We will take 2 of my sisters kids for 2 weeks in April as she and her hubby travel to Israel. When they get home we will go on our greatly anticipated 1-2 month trip across Canada. When we return home we will settle into our house plant gardens, build a greenhouse, dig a root cellar, preserve loads of food for winter and help our children settle into our new rhythm. By then it will be early Autumn and this is when we can contact Imagine and begin putting together our dossier to send off to Ethiopia.

Makes sense, ci? Now if only I can help my heart to understand that it makes sense. Or at the very least that what is meant to be will be. Maybe I should go and read my previous post.

~The Future is Now~

2008-11-20T09:25:00.000-08:00

We are sitting in limbo. That illusive place without definition where form and feature are blurred by the fog of uncertainty.

I usually don't like limbo. Generally speaking I LOATH it, but... I am learning a new kind of patience. The kind of patience that is birthed of necessity. The options: become more patient or end up in the "green bed". (losing my mind) I am not such a fan of feeling like I am on the verge of insanity and so, patience it is.

Our house has become a sanctuary. A place to relax...yes, relax. (we have time to do that now...well, kind of anyway) A space in which we can ponder the future. Wonder at the undefined possibilities. Re-evaluate our needs as a family and as individuals.

Its odd to be feeling so very contented about the whole thing. Faith has wrapped itself around my doubtful heart and warmed me from the inside out. Doubt melted away to reveal the core of me...the core that really, truly believes.

I believe that what is meant to be will be. I believe that we attract to ourselves exactly what we need. I believe that the future is a beautiful thing. I believe that faith is key.

I know I needed a break. My hubby needed a break. We needed to reacquaint ourselves with ourselves. And now, with this pause in our lives, we have been gifted the opportunity to do just that. To find our place on this path. To journey forward with sure steps. Affirmed that this truly is the direction we are meant to go without needing to know where we will end up.

The future is full of music and creation. Dance and friendships. Travel and adventure. Roots and branches. Of babies and children....our ever growing family. Home and Heart.

The Future is Now.

~my Libra boys~

2008-10-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

Dad-e-o and Sweetie Boy...my Libra guys...celebrating the gift of their lives!!

mmm....cake!!

a HORSE!!!! "Mine howse!!??" Sweetie Boys new favorite thing

a saddle and everything!

~cousins~

~L is for Learning~

2008-10-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Finding moments to write proves more challenging then I anticipated!! Not that I really expect to have oodles of time to write daily or anything...just maybe a few more moments then I have found so far. I suppose I need to make spilling more of a priority. After all, isn't that the beauty of a blog?? To have a place on which to spill the overflowing happenings of a life such as this??

but TIME.....where does it go??!!

I've gotta say, trying to do reporting on 3 kids is a heck of a lot more work then doing reporting for 1!! I have Honey registered with a program that requires really minimal reporting. Basically just the technical "she did pages this and that from this book, went on a field trip, did an art project...done" I LOVE it...so easy. It takes me all of 10 minutes to do her weekly report and I get the SAME amount of money as I get for Beena and Mr. Bop!! Their program requires a weekly hours log (min. 25 hour of learning) plus and O4L (observing for learning) which is basically a lil' essay on what they learned, how the felt about it....challenges and triumphs. All in all a much more soulful way of going about things, which is why I signed up with this program in the first place. I love that my children aren't measured and compared, that they appreciated for the multifaceted people that they are, BUT...it takes me an hour to do each of them, which may not seem like much but I've got to say trying to pull an extra 2 hours out of every week when I swear there aren't enough hours to begin with is challenging to say the least.

So why, you might ask, do I stay with the program that asks so much of me?? Well, Mr. Bop is kind of on a test run with them this year. They have a great special ed program and he is registered as a special need guy, which means I have access to a whole shwack of extra funding and lots of support. I'm not sure if I'm really going to need all this extra funding and support yet...thus the test run. But I can say that having someone to bounce off of and seek reassurance and resources from is a VERY good thing...especially someone who respects our rather unconventional way of doing things.

As far as Beena goes, she has been with her LC (learning consultant) for 4 years. Over time we have developed a rather close relationship. Having a female mentor for Beena who has been a part of her life for so long is really important to me, especially as she gets older and begins to do more of her own O4L-ing. Her LC is someone that she can turn to as she goes through the challenges of shifting into women hood.

For these reasons I continue to make the sacrifice of my time and head space. We'll see where I'm at by the end of the year...you never know, maybe it will just take a bit of time for me to get into the rhythm of it all.

Its no wonder I have a hard time finding a moment to write when I am finding it challenging fulfilling my mama/teacher reporting duties!!

On the flip side the actual homeschooling aspect of life...the part that actually matters...is going wonderfully. (oh if only I had loads of $$ and didn't need the resource funding so much!!) I am in love with our new curriculum!! (Sonlight) and am finding the flow of working with all 3 children to really work for us. I guess its just the natural flow of our life. I am facilitating their learning needs just as I do from birth...providing them with what they need to reach that next developmental place. I love the affirmation that comes through the twinkle in the eye of a child who is empowered and fulfilled. There is no greater joy a mother can experience then to see her children truly happy...loving life and learning because that's what we humans do...learn.

~Sweetie Boy learning to propel himself on the hammock swing~

~Sweet lil' Honey~

2008-10-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

5 minutes for mom is hosting a fab contest that I am so totally entering....mostly because we are supposed to post a pic of our lil' ones sleeping and I had the perfect pic in mind.....and hey, the prospect of winning a beautiful bedroom suite (we would opt for the Summer Breeze set in Vannila cream, a match-everything-color for our little lady who loves to dress things up!) for Honey is an added bonus!!

So here's the pic...Honey just couldn't make it to her bed....to sweet!!

Melodious Mama

~New Blog~

a heads up

reclaiming community

~green~

Wordless Wednesday (almost)

head count

element bending...fun for the whole fam-damly

because this is beautiful

bits about me that you may not have known

Don't know if you noticed but...

being on the verge...letting go

The View from Way up Here...

Ch-Ch-CH-Ch-Changes

~a random update~

~ the unexpected~

~ oh the adventure ~

~dream a little dream of you~

~because everyone needs a *pout* post~

~word-y wednesday~

~because he is so cute!~

100th post! also know as "Update on the Whirling"

~whirling...yup, my head is whirling~

~testing, tesing...1 (Faith), 2 (Patience), 3 (Gratitude)~

~I miss you...but I haven't met you yet~

~Proud~

Our sweet Eden

~seeing (RED)~ (or the greatest treasure)

It's official!! our Etsy Shop is OPEN!!!!!

so, I won something....

because I am touched deeply and inspired.....

~Wordless Wednesday~(almost)

~simple pleasures~

um, so much for that idea☺

~the coin jar ~

Fricken Fantastic Friday (or pic # 8)

pic number 7 (or the location of the rest of my heart)

Of Beads, Yarn and Ink (or snapshot 6)

~pic numero 5~

~our life in pictures~

~The wish Bearer visits!~

♥~Happy Holidays~♥

~They'll call me Freedom~

~ A Reminder~

~Facing my Demon~

♪♫Melodious Monday♪♫

My Arsenal of Weapons

Melodious Mondays

~Wordless Wednesday~

~We be Jammin'~

~So goose-pimply profound~

~Wordless Wednesday~

Melodious Moon

~This little Hamlet of Lovliness~

~Wordless Wednesday~

~Wordless Wednesday~ (okay...not wordless...but I like the title!)

~Wordless Wednseday~ (almost☺)

~wordless wednesday~

~this path~

~your opinion please~

like a balm of ~ ((sigh))

~Wordless Wednesday~

how

~laughter is the best medicine~ *re-post from Jan 18*

~taking action~

♥~ode to D~♥

~♥ celebrating big, big love ♥~

~I'm listening for birds~

~cycle-therapy~ making it through the land of wait

~raising eco/organic kiddo's on a tiny income~ also know as the crazy long blog post

~♥Celebration!! a Blessing in the land of Wait!!♥~

♥~woohooo!!!! Another family passes court!!~♥

~143,000,000~

♥♥♥~THEY PASSED COURT!!!!!!!♥♥♥

~ a simple womens daybook~

♀~the Beauty of Women~♀

~of my Dad and cancer~

♥~Okanagan Life: Faces of Adoption~♥

♀~we are wise, wise women, we are giggling girls~♀

~re-entering the bloggosphere~

~because everyone needs a pout post~

~laughter is the best medicine~ re-post from Jan 18